I make no claims about their authority; I have found many myself in my reading, gathered many more from a variety of sources whose reliability I cannot evaluate. Any corrections, feel free to Contact me. Especially appreciated would be attributions for those without.

Over 300 of the especially prolific authors have been removed from this list; see their work Here.

10 months after issuance of the National Cyberspace Strategy, all that could be announced in December was neither a plan nor a blueprint, but a plan to create a blueprint.
-- Senator Joe Liebermann

186,000 Miles per Second.
It's not just a good idea.
IT'S THE LAW.

1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY!

2nd graffitiist: Why?

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
-- W. Richard Walton, Sr.

75 Metro buses in our nation's capital are sporting this advertisement -- verbatim: "DC Public Schools Wants You. Go To Class - It a Blast!!!"

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: 'Not intended for highway use.'
-- www.mlaw.org

A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg; you can shoot the horse, but it don't fix the leg.

A basically dishonest man can survive longer in the church or the classroom than he can in the grain exchange or the furniture business.
-- Ben Rogge

A bathroom heater says: 'This product is not to be used in bathrooms.'
-- www.mlaw.org

Ability hits the mark where presumption overshoots and diffidence falls short.
-- John Henry Newman

Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
-- Lou Holtz

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
-- Maya Angelou

A box of birthday cake candles says: 'DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.'
-- www.mlaw.org

A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought an album too, and started her own collection.
"Dad, she buys everything I've bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting."
"Don't, son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"

Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
-- Al Capp

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: 'May irritate eyes.'
-- www.mlaw.org

A cardboard car sunshield warns: 'Do not drive with sunshield in place.'
-- www.mlaw.org

A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings.
-- William Inge

A cat can maintain a position of curled up somnolence on your knee until you are nearly upright. To the last minute she hopes your conscience will get the better of you and you will settle down again.
-- Pam Brown

A cat isn't fussy -- just so long as you remember he likes his milk in the shallow, rose-patterned saucer and his fish on the blue plate. From which he will take it, and eat it off the floor.
-- Arthur Bridges

A cat is the only domestic animal I know who toilet trains itself and does a damned impressive job of it.
-- Joseph Epstein

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."

AC/DC has lived the dumbness that the Ramones have only faked all these years.
-- Chuck Eddy

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
-- Granville Hicks

A champion is afraid of losing. Everyone else is afraid of winning.
-- Billie Jean King

A character, to be acceptable as more than a chess piece, has to be ignorant of the future, unsure about the past, and not at all sure of what he's supposed to be doing.
-- Anthony Burgess

A chart of numbers that would put an actuary to sleep can be made to dance if you put it on one side of a card and Bombo Rivera's picture on the other.
-- Bill James

A choice gets made and something then occurs
Still it hurts a little less when that choice is yours.
-- Bill Morrissey

A college education shows a man how little other people know.
-- Thomas Haliburton

A comedian does funny things; a good comedian does things funny.
-- Buster Keaton

A commentary on the times is that the word 'honesty' is now preceded by 'old-fashioned.'
-- Larry Wolters

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
-- Sir Barnett Cocks

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle

A committee is an animal with four back legs.
-- John Le Carre

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.
-- Mitch Radcliffe

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

A concern for states rights, local self government and regional identity used to be taken for granted everywhere in America. But the United States is no longer, as it once was, a federal union of diverse states and regions. National uniformity is being imposed by the political class that runs Washington, the economic class that owns Wall Street and the cultural class in charge of Hollywood and the Ivy League.
-- Michael Hill

A conclusion is the place where you got tired thinking.
-- Martin Henry Fischer

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
-- Abba Eban

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
-- Alfred E. Wiggam

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

A country losing touch with its own history is like an old man losing his glasses, a distressing sight, at once vulnerable, unsure, and easily disoriented.
-- George Walden

A couple of months in the laboratory can save a couple of hours in the library.
-- Frank H. Westheimer

A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded.
-- Tyne Daly

Act that your principle of action might safely be made a law for the whole world.
-- Immanuel Kant

A cult is a religion with no political power.
-- Tom Wolfe

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
-- James Gould Cozzens

A day without sunshine is, like, night.
-- Steve Martin

A dead atheist is someone who's all dressed up with no place to go.
-- James Duffey

A decision is the action an executive must take when he has information so incomplete that the answer does not suggest itself.
-- Admiral Arthur W. Radford

A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves largess out of the public treasury.
-- Alexander Tytler

A dictatorship of relativism is being built that recognizes nothing as definite, and which leaves as the ultimate measure only one's ego and desires ... Having a clear faith, according to the credo of the church, is often labeled as fundamentalism. Yet relativism, that is, letting oneself being carried 'here and there by any wind of doctrine,' appears as the sole attitude good enough for modern times.
-- Pope Benedict XVI

A dog gladly admits the superiority of his master over himself, accepts his judgment as final, but, contrary to what many dog lovers believe, he does not consider himself as a slave. His submission is voluntary, and he expects his own small rights to be respected.
-- Axel Munthe

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-- Edward Abbey

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."

Adventure is not outside a man; it is within.
-- David Grayson

Adventure is the result of poor planning.
-- Col. Blatchford Snell

Adversity cause some men to break; others to break records.
-- William A. Ward

Adversity is the trial of principle. Without it, a man hardly knows whether he is honest or not.
-- Henry Fielding

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
-- Sinclair Lewis

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-- Stephen Leacock

Advice is one thing that is freely given away, but watch that you take only what is worth having. He who takes advice about his savings from one who is inexperienced in such matters, shall pay with his savings for proving the falsity of their opinions.
-- George Clason

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong

Aesthetics is for the artist as ornithology is for the birds.
-- Ben Shahn

A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.
-- Edward Teller

A 'fact' merely marks the point where we have agreed to let investigation cease.
-- Bliss Carman

A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.
-- Carolyn Coats

A few great minds are enough to endow humanity with monstrous power, but a few great hearts are not enough to make us worthy of using it.
-- Jean Rostand

A few years ago I switched to an entirely different kind of New Year's resolution. Instead of vowing to improve, I pledge to do a better job of accepting my bad habits -- to stop worrying about failing to be the person I used to imagine I could be.
-- Mel White

Affection, like melancholy, magnifies trifles; but the magnifying of the one is like looking through a telescope at heavenly objects; that of the other, like enlarging monsters with a microscope.
-- Leigh Hunt

Affliction, like the iron-smith, shapes as it smites.
-- Christian Nestell Bovee

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
-- Wes Izzard

A first rate soup is better than a second rate painting.
-- Abraham Maslow

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A flaw in the human character is that everyone wants to build and no one wants to do maintenance.
-- Kurt Vonnegut

A fly can't bird, but a bird can fly.
-- A.A. Milne

A fool always finds someone more foolish than he is to admire him.
-- Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux

A fool may have his coat embroidered with gold, but it is a fool's coat still.
-- Antoine de Rivarol

A free lunch is only found in mousetraps.
-- John Capuzz

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

A friend of mine told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why, but I had to shoot him.
-- John Wayne

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.
-- John D. Rockefeller, Jr.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone."
-- Larry Brown

After generations of living under medical tutelage, which provides us with protection (albeit illusory) against "dangerous drugs", we have failed to cultivate the self-reliance and self-discipline we must possess as competent adults surrounded by the fruits of our pharmacological-technological age.
-- Thomas Szasz

After I lost my dad, I realized none of us should take things too seriously, because everything works itself out. Everything. No matter what happens, or how difficult things become, eventually you will feel better.
-- Chris Rock

After my screen test, the director clapped his hands gleefully and yelled, 'She can't talk! She can't act! She's sensational!'
-- Ava Gardner

After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.
-- Italian Proverb

After the war in Afghanistan, Anna [Wintour, editor of Vogue], deciding to save the world one hair-roller at a time, thought the best way to help the women in this beleaguered country was to start a small beauty school in Kabul, where aid workers could get their roots done. Vanity Fair, edited by Bush-basher Graydon Carter, cheered her great humanitarian effort.
-- Myrna Blyth

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
-- Ronnie Shakes

After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.

A full tongue and an empty brain are seldom parted.
-- Francis Quarles

Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain.
-- Friedrich von Schiller

Age does not depend upon years, but upon temperament and health. Some men are born old, and some never grow so.
-- Tryon Edwards

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
-- Jeanne Moreau

Age doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese.
-- Billie Burke

A genius with the IQ of a moron.
-- Gore Vidal (on Andy Warhol)

A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.
-- Lana Turner

Aggression which is flagitious when committed by one, is not sanctioned when committed by a host.
-- Herbert Spencer

Agitation is the marshaling of the conscience of a nation to mold its laws.
-- Sir Robert Peel

Agnosticism is the philosophical, ethical and religious dry-rot of the modern world.
-- F.E. Abbott

Agnosticism simply means that a man shall not say he knows or believes that for which he has no grounds for professing to believe.
-- Thomas H. Huxley

A good conscience is a soft pillow.

A good cook is like a sorceress who dispenses happiness.
-- Elsa Schiaparelli

A good name, like good will, is got by many actions and lost by one.
-- Lord Jeffrey

A good offense requires pushing the envelope. A good defense requires enveloping the push.
-- Dennis Ridley

A good poem is a contribution to reality. The world is never the same once a good poem has been added to it. A good poem helps to change the shape and significance of the universe, helps to extend everyone's knowledge of himself and the world around him.
-- Dylan Thomas

A good writer turns fact into truth; a bad writer will, more often than not, accomplish the opposite.
-- Edward Albee

A goose flies by a chart which the Royal Geographical Society could not mend.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

A gossip talks about others. A bore talks about himself. A brilliant conversationalist talks about you.

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.
-- James Beard

A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.
-- James Reston

A government of laws without men is as visionary as a government of men without laws.
-- Learned Hand

A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.
-- Barry Goldwater

A government that seizes control of the economy for the good of the people, ends up seizing control of the people for the good of the economy.
-- Bob Dole

A grain of wisdom is worth an ounce of knowledge, which is worth a ton of data.
-- Neil Larson

A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep.
-- Saul Bellow

A great many people fall in love with or feel attracted to a person who offers the least possibility of a harmonious union.
-- Rudolf Dreikurs

A great many people think that polysyllables are a sign of intelligence.
-- Barbara Walters

A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street.
-- Conan O'Brien

A hair dryer label reads, 'Never use hair dryer while sleeping.'
-- www.mlaw.org

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.
-- Oliver Herford

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-- Ruth Bell Graham

A 'hate crimes' law would expand the law's concern from criminal action to 'criminal thought.' It would institute the premise that the purpose of our legal system is not to defend the rights of the victim, but to punish socially unacceptable ideas.
-- Robert Tracinski

Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what's a heaven for?
-- Robert Browning

A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
-- John Updike

A high-school teacher, after all, is a person deputized by the rest of us to explain to the young what sort of world they are living in, and to defend, if possible, the part their elders are playing in it.
-- Emile Capouya

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.
-- Austin O'Malley

A horse is dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle.
-- Ian Fleming

A household iron warns users: 'Never iron clothes while they are being worn.'
-- www.mlaw.org

Ah, what a dusty answer gets the soul when hot for certainties in this our life!
-- George Meredith

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-- Robin Williams

Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
-- Steve Martin to a heckler

Ah yes, liberal democrats unified as ever in opportunism and in error.
-- Tony Blair

Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself.
-- Joel Hawes

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.
-- David M. Burns

Ain't no right way to do the wrong thing.
-- Dick Armey

A joke ought to have sheep's teeth, not a dog's.
-- Czech Proverb

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.
-- Ingrid Bergman

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.
-- Uriel Weinreich

A large majority of Americans claim that family is the most important thing in life, but surveys show that most people will put their jobs, possessions, and personal freedom before family responsibilities. If you watch what Americans do, traditional family relationships are in trouble.
-- American Demographics

A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work.
-- Anatol Holt

Alas! the love of women! it is known
To be a lovely and a fearful thing.
-- Lord Byron

Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole

Alcoholism isn't a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play.
-- Joyce Rebeta-Burditt

A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way and shows the way.
-- John C. Maxwell

A leader knows what's best to do; a manager knows merely how best to do it.
-- Ken Adelman

A leader may symbolize and express what is best in people, like Pericles, or what is worst, like Hitler, but he cannot successfully express what is only in his heart and not in theirs.
-- Charles Yost

A letter always seemed to me like immortality...for is it not the mind alone, without corporeal friend?
-- Emily Dickinson

Al Gore announced Tuesday that he plans to launch a 24-hour cable news network for young adults. Gore claims he's been wanting to do this since he invented cable TV in the 1990s.
-- Tina Fey

A liar will not be believed, even when he speaks the truth.
-- Aesop

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
-- Barry Goldwater

A liberal is a man who will give away everything he doesn't own.
-- Frank Dane

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt dangerous.
-- Alfred Adler

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
-- Arthur Baer

All art is a revolt against man's fate.
-- André Malraux

All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
-- Julius Caesar

All calculations based on our experiences elsewhere fail in New Mexico.
-- Lew Wallace, Territorial Governor of New Mexico

All culture corrupts, but French culture corrupts absolutely.
-- Lawrence Durrell

All decent people live beyond their incomes; those who aren't respectable live beyond other people's; a few gifted individuals manage to do both.
-- Saki

All dope can do for you is kill you ... the long hard way. And it can kill the people you love right along with you.
-- Billie Holiday

All enterprise will stop if we were never to act without being able to point to a decidedly successful result of our undertaking.
-- Sir George Nares

[A]ll fiction may be autobiography, but all autobiography is of course fiction.
-- Shirley Abbott

All generalizations are false, including this one.
-- Alexander Chase

All good balls to hit are strikes, though not all strikes are good balls to hit.
-- Dave Winfield

All good books are alike in that they are truer than if they had really happened.
-- Ernest Hemingway

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
-- Spike Milligan

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK.
-- Robert Fulghum

All I want is an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
-- Steve Martin, in Sgt. Bilko

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
-- Raymond Hull

All maxims have their antagonist maxims; proverbs should be sold in pairs, a single one being but a half truth.
-- William Mathews

All men are brothers. Hence war.
-- Simon Munnery

All men come into this world alone and leave it alone.
-- Thomas De Quincey

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
-- Red Skelton

All men profess honesty as long as they can. To believe all men honest would be folly. To believe none so is something worse.
-- John Quincy Adams

All men's gains are the fruit of venturing.
-- Herodotus

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner

All night, this soft rain from
The distant past.
No wonder I sometimes
Waken as a child.
-- Ted Kooser

All of the evil that people have thrust upon chocolate is really more deserved by milk chocolate, which is essentially contaminated. The closer you get to a pure chocolate liquor (the chocolate essence ground from roasted cacao beans) the purer it is, the more satisfying it is, the safer it is, and the healthier it is.
-- Arnold Ismach

All of us admire people we don't like and like people we don't admire.
-- Malcolm Muggeridge

All of us are watchers -- of television, of time clocks, of traffic on the freeway -- but few are observers. Everyone is looking, not many are seeing.
-- Peter M. Leschak

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than the animals that know nothing.
-- Maurice Maeterlinck

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.
-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925

All philosophy lies in two words, sustain and abstain.
-- Epictetus

All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.
-- John Arbuthnot

All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it.
-- Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.

All Presidents start out to run a crusade but after a couple of years they find they are running something less heroic and much more intractable: namely the presidency. The people are well cured by then of election fever, during which they think they are choosing Moses. In the third year, they look on the man as a sinner and a bumbler and begin to poke around for rumours of another Messiah.
-- Alistair Cooke

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.
-- Sir Ernest Rutherford

All societies must be governed in some way or other. The less they may have stringent state government, the more they must have individual self-government... Men, in a word, must necessarily be controlled either by a power within them, or by a power without them...
-- Robert C. Winthrop

All successful people men and women are big dreamers. They imagine what their future could be, ideal in every respect, and then they work every day toward their distant vision, that goal or purpose.
-- Brian Tracy

All technology should be assumed guilty until proven innocent.
-- David Brower

All television is educational television. The question is: what is it teaching?
-- Nicholas Johnson

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.
-- J.R.R. Tolkein

All that non-fiction can do is answer questions. It's fiction's business to ask them.
-- Richard Hughes

All that we know is nothing; we are merely crammed wastepaper baskets unless we are in touch with that which laughs at all our knowing.
-- D.H. Lawrence

All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
-- On a bumper sticker

All the people I know who are driving for a form of national service, primarily want it to be compulsory. They realize that's a terrible problem politically, so they're not willing to say it. It is endangerment of freedom and the potential for indoctrination that skeptics do not like in the national service concept. However benign the program, some think it will not succeed on any meaningful scale unless is is compulsory.
-- Martin Anderson

All the talk of history is nothing almost, except fighting and killing, and the honor and reknown which are bestowed on the conquerors, who are for the most part, mere butchers of mankind, mislead growing youth, who by these means come to think of slaughter the most laudable business of mankind, and the most heroic of virtues.
-- John Locke

All things are possible until proved impossible -- and even the impossible may only be so as of now.
-- Pearl S. Buck

All this talk about equality. The only thing people really have in common is that they are all going to die.
-- Bob Dylan

All weakness tends to corrupt, and impotence corrupts absolutely.
-- Edgar Z. Freidenberg

All wish to possess knowledge, but few, comparatively speaking, are willing to pay the price.
-- Juvenal

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy.
-- Maria Edgeworth

Almost all quality improvement comes via simplification of design, manufacturing, layout, processes, and procedures.
-- Tom Peters

Almost anyone can be an author; the business is to collect money and fame from this state of being.
-- A.A. Milne

Almost everyone who has read history in a more than casual manner knows that when the great figure of God appears in a controversy, the shooting cannot be far off.
-- Stewart H. Holbrook

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate.
-- Eric Idle

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
-- Fats Domino

A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent the men become.
-- Anita Wise

A lot of long relievers are ashamed to tell their parents what they do. The only nice thing about it is that you get to wear a uniform like everybody else.
-- Jim Bouton

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.
-- Mickey Rooney

A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work.
-- Geoffrey Norman

Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes it obstructs your vision.
-- Hsi-Tang

Although there exist many thousands of subjects for elegant conversation, there are persons who cannot meet a cripple without talking about feet.
-- Chinese Proverb

Although the universe is under no obligation to make sense, students in pursuit of a Ph. D. are.
-- Robert Kirshner

Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping."
-- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)

Although you may be unpopular with some by speaking out for freedom, it is not wise to seek popularity with those who would be slaves.
-- David Dieteman

Always aim for achievement, and forget about success.
-- Helen Hayes

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Always drink upstream from the herd.
-- Too Slim

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Always keep your words soft and sweet. You never know when you'll have to eat them.

Always remember, as you go out to seek your fortune, your fame, your fulfillment, always remember that it's not who you know in this world, it's whom.
-- Osborn Elliot

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
-- Margaret Mead

Always remember this: There are only eighteen inches between a pat on the back and a kick in the rump.
-- Hattie McDaniel

A lynch mob is [unlimited] Majority Rule stripped of its fancy trappings and its facade of respectability.
-- Robert J. Ringer

A man always has two reasons for what he does -- a good one, and the real one.
-- J.P. Morgan

A man can be honest in any sort of skin.
-- Herman Melville

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.
-- Mae West

A man can build a staunch reputation for honesty by admitting he was in error, especially when he gets caught at it.
-- Robert Ruark

A man can fail many times but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame someone else.
-- Waite Phillips

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-- Joan Rivers

A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.
-- W.E.B. Du Bois

A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. All a woman has to do it put you on hold.
-- Marlo Thomas

A man is more faithful and true to another person's secret than his own; a woman, on the contrary, keeps her own secret better than another person's.
-- Jean de La Bruyère

A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.
-- Thomas Haliburton

A man is not necessarily intelligent because he has plenty of ideas any more than he is a good general because he has plenty of soldiers.
-- Nicolas Chamfort

A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams.
-- English Proverb

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone.
-- Sir Nathan Meyer Rothschild

A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
-- Gabriel García Márquez

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.
-- Israel Zangwill

A man must be big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them, and strong enough to correct them.
-- John C. Maxwell

A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's.
-- Jean Paul Richter

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
-- Monica Piper

A man's best friends are his ten fingers.
-- Robert Collyer

A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a principle; and patriotism is loyalty to that principle.
-- George William Curtis

A man's errors are his portals of discovery.
-- James Joyce

A man's house is his hassle.

A man's illness is his private territory and, no matter how much he loves you and how close you are, you stay an outsider. You are healthy.
-- Lauren Bacall

A man's most valuable trait is a judicious sense of what not to believe.
-- Euripides

A man's worst difficulties begin when he is able to do as he likes.
-- Thomas H. Huxley

A man that would expect to train lobsters to fly in a year is called a lunatic; but a man that thinks men can be turned into angels by an election is a reformer and remains at large.
-- Finley Peter Dunne

A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.
-- Herman Melville

A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.
-- George Moore

A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich.
-- John Jacob Astor

A man who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal as opposed to the conservative, who has both feet firmly planted in his mouth.
-- Jacques Barzun

A man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.
-- J. Robert Oppenheimer

A man who works with his hands is a laborer; a man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman; but a man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist.
-- Louis Nizer

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
-- Segal's Law

A man with no regrets has no decency.
-- Thomas McCormack

Ambition has but one reward for all: a little power, a little transient fame, a grave to rest in, and a fading name.
-- William Winter

Ambition has one heel nailed in well, though she stretch her fingers to touch the heavens.
-- William Lilly

Ambition is a lust that is never quenched, but grows more inflamed and madder by enjoyment.
-- Thomas Otway

Ambition is the germ from which all growth of nobleness proceeds.
-- Thomas Dunn English

A mediocre idea that generates enthusiasm will go further than a great idea that inspires no one.
-- Mary Kay Ash

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
-- Dean Acheson

America believes in education. The average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
-- Evan Esar

America has meant to the world a land in which the common man who means well and is willing to do his part has access to all the necessary means of a good life.
-- Alvin Saunders Johnson

America is a country where, thanks to Congress, there are 40 million laws to enforce 10 commandments.

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair.
-- Arnold Toynbee

America is a lot like a computer. It's powerful, it's made up of myriad complex components, and it is considered scary and threatening by those who don't understand how it works. It is also upgradeable in the face of change and is able to foster great diversity, from C to shining C++.
-- Rami Genauer

America is a willingness of the heart.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

America is not like a blanket -- one piece of unbroken cloth, the same color, the same texture, the same size. America is more like a quilt -- many patches, many pieces, many colors, many sizes, all woven and held together by a common thread.
-- Henry M. Jackson

America is so vast that almost everything said about it is likely to be true, and the opposite is probably equally true.
-- James T. Farell

America is the best half-educated country in the world.
-- Nicholas Murray Butler

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
-- John Barrymore

America is the nearest thing to a microcosm of world society, with every people represented in its vast democracy. This is why I regard anti-Americanism as racism; it, in effect, amounts to a hatred of humanity itself. No nation has more right to speak, and act, on behalf of the human race than (America).
-- Paul Johnson

America . . . is the only country where the failure to promote yourself is widely considered arrogant.
-- Garry Trudeau

America is the only nation in history which has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual intervention of civilization.
-- Georges Clemenceau

America... It is a fabulous country, the only fabulous country; it is the only place where miracles not only happen, but where they happen all the time.
-- Thomas Wolfe

American federalism was the embodiment of political tolerance and decentralization -- the expression of the liberal conviction that society can manage itself and needs no central plan.
-- Llewellyn H. Rockwell, Jr.

Americans are becoming increasingly addicted to government, and politicians are becoming the dealers of the drug named 'dependency'.
-- Rep. Jim DeMint

Americans are broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there is something wrong with him.
-- Art Buchwald

Americans are people who laugh at African witch doctors and spend 100 million dollars on fake reducing systems.
-- L.L. Levinson

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.
-- Shirley Hazzard

Americans never quit.
-- General Douglas MacArthur

Americans used to roar like lions for liberty; now we bleat like sheep for security.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
-- Dan Rather

Americans worship creativity the way they worship physical beauty -- as a way of enjoying elitism without guilt: God did it.
-- Florence King

American youth attributes much more importance to arriving at driver's license age than at voting age.
-- Marshall McLuhan

America's most dangerous export was, is and always will be our fast-food outlets.
-- Anthony Boudain

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
-- Rabindranath Tagore

A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner, so if one's life is cold and bare he can blame none but himself.
-- Louis L'Amour

Am I self-righteous? Why not? It's not like I can count on you to be righteous for me.
-- Henry Rollins

A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Among all human constructions the only ones that avoid the dissolving hands of time are castles in the air.
-- Frederico de Roberto

A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
-- Tenneva Jordan

A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
-- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.
-- Sir Thomas Beecham

An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
-- Marlon Brando

An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.
-- James Michener

An agnostic found himself in trouble, and a friend suggested that he pray. "How can I pray when I do not know whether or not there is a God?" he asked. "If you are lost in the forest," his friend replied, "you do not wait until you find someone before shouting for help."
-- Dan Plies

A nail is driven out by another nail. Habit is overcome by habit.
-- Erasmus

An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, 'Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.'
-- www.mlaw.org

An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to an amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.
-- The Montana Legislature

An angry man opens his mouth and shuts up his eyes.
-- Cato

An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

Anarchy is the sure consequence of tyranny; for no power that is not limited by laws can ever be protected by them.
-- John Milton

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
-- Gore Vidal

An audience is in many respects no more than a mob under loose control.
-- Artie Shaw

Ancestry is most important to those who have done nothing themselves.
-- Louis L'Amour

And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports on it, you know they are just evil lies.
-- Linus Torvalds

And all writing is creating or spinning dreams for other people so they won't have to bother doing it themselves.
-- Beth Henley

And almost every one when age,
Disease, or sorrows strike him,
Inclines to think there is a God,
Or something very like Him.
-- Arthur Hugh Clough

And if you think labeling our spruces and firs 'holiday trees' is the solution to the season's wars, just wait until the ACLU realizes what the dictionary already makes clear: That the word 'holiday' itself comes from the Old English 'holy day'.
-- The Wall Street Journal

And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez Addams -- he was good for nothing".
-- The Addams Family

And life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.
-- Grandma Moses

And now the sequence of events in no particular order.
-- Dan Rather

And so your ignorant newbie status shows through like a carbuncle under a silk blouse.
-- Jon Parry-McCulloch

And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle.
-- Stan Dunn

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-- Anaïs Nin

And, through and over everything,
A sense of glad awakening.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
-- Evan Esar

An economist is someone who sees something working in practice and asks whether it would work in principle.
-- Stephen M. Goldfeld

An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he has someone to look up to.
-- Gene Fowler

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward.
-- Austin O'Malley

An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
-- Orlando A. Battista

An error is simply a failure to adjust immediately from a preconception to an actuality.
-- John Cage

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.
-- Jerome Lawrence

A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die out, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
-- Max Planck

A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not.
-- Henry Fielding

An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides.
-- John H. Patterson

An expert is an ordinary fellow from another town.
-- J. Vernon McGee

[An expert is] somebody who is more than 50 miles from home, has no responsibility for implementing the advice he gives, and shows slides.
-- Edwin Meese

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
-- Jean Cocteau

Anger as soon as fed is dead
'Tis starving makes it fat.
-- Emily Dickinson

Anger begins with folly, and ends with repentance.
-- H.G. Bohn

Anger is seldom without argument but seldom with a good one.
-- George Savile, Marquess de Halifax

Animals feed; man eats. Only the man of intellect and judgment knows how to eat.
-- Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

An inch of time is an inch of gold.
-- Pavan's Fortune Cookie

An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer.
-- Evelle Younger

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.
-- Konrad Adenauer

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
-- Dan Rather

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway

An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit.
-- Pliny the Younger

An open mind, like an open window, should be screened to keep the bugs out.
-- Virginia Hutchinson

An optimist see a glass half full, a pessimist sees it half empty ... a Cub fan wonders when it's gonna spill.
-- Mike Royko

A note of music gains significance from the silence on either side.
-- Anne Morrow Lindberg

Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before.
-- Edith Warton

Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrassment. They farm fungi, raise aphids as livestock, launch armies into war, use chemical sprays to alarm and confuse enemies, capture slaves, engage in child labor, exchange information ceaselessly. They do everything but watch television.
-- Lewis Thomas

An unlimited power to tax involves, necessarily, a power to destroy; because there is a limit beyond which no institution and no property can bear taxation.
-- John Marshall

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
-- Gore Vidal

Anybody can observe the Sabbath, but making it holy surely takes the rest of the week.
-- Alice Walker

Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry.
-- George Ade

Anybody tells you that money is the root of all evil doesn't have any.
-- Ben Affleck, Boiler Room

Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.
-- Robert Byrne

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
-- Charles McCabe

Any discipline with the name "-- Studies" is the abode of charlatans.
-- Gerry Harbison

Any doctrine that weakens personal responsibility for judgment and for action helps create the attitudes that welcome and support the totalitarian state.
-- John Dewey

Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.
-- Lee Simonson

Any jackass can kick down a barn, but it takes a good carpenter to build one.
-- Sam Rayburn

Any life, no matter how long and complex it may be, is made up of a single moment -- the moment in which a man finds out, once and for all, who he is.
-- Jorge Luis Borges

Anyone can be a barbarian; it requires a terrible effort to remain a civilized man.
-- Leonard Woolf

Anyone can be elected governor. I'm proof of that.
-- Joe Frank Harris, two-term Georgia Governor

Anyone can say 'no'. It is the first word a child learns and often the first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of thought on every occasion.
-- Chuck Jones

Anyone can sit down and write some boring artistic song. Pop music is the hardest [stuff] to write.
-- Britney Spears

Anyone who by his actions and thoughts -- yes, his thoughts -- encroaches on the unity of the socialist state, we will destroy them and their kin.
-- Josef Stalin

Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work.
-- Al Capp

Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
-- L.M. Boyd

Any party which takes credit for the rain must not be surprised if its opponents blame it for the drought.
-- Dwight Morrow

Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.
-- Epictetus

Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.

Anything is possible, anything can happen. On a flimsy ground of reality, imagination spins marvelous patterns.
-- August Strindberg

Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth.
-- Max Beerbohm

Any time not spent on love is wasted.
-- Torquato Tasso

Anytime you see a Hungarian, kick him. He'll know why.

Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Any young person who has studied Heidegger; or seen Ionesco's 'plays'; or listened to the 'music' of John Cage; or looked at Andy Warhol's 'paintings'- has experienced that feeling of incredulous puzzlement: But this is nonsense! Can I really be expected to take this seriously?

In fact, of course, it is necessary for it to be nonsense; if it made sense, it could be evaluated. The essence of modern intellectual snobbery is the 'emperor's new cloths' approach. Teachers, critics, our self-appointed intellectual elite, make it quite clear to us that if we cannot see the superlative nature of this 'art'- why, it merely shows our ignorance, our lack of sophistication and insight. Of course, they go beyond the storybook emperor's tailors, who dressed their victim in nothing and called it fine garments. The modern tailors dress the emperor in garbage.
-- Ron Merrill

Apathy is a sort of living oblivion.
-- Horace Greeley

Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand.
-- Bodie Thoene

A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
-- Edward Abbey

A penny will hide the biggest star in the universe if you hold it close enough to your eye.
-- Samuel Grafton

APHORISM, n. A concise, clever statement.
AFTERISM, n. A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
-- James Alexander Thom

A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you the less you know.
-- Diane Arbus

A plumber never bites his nails.

A poet is a man who manages, in a lifetime of standing out in thunderstorms, to be struck by lightning five or six times.
-- Randall Jarrell

A poet is a man who puts up a ladder to a star and climbs it while playing a violin.
-- Edmond de Goncourt

A politician is a person with whose politics you don't agree; if you agree with him he's statesman.
-- David Lloyd George

A politician thinks of the next election -- a statesman, of the next generation.
-- James Freeman Clarke

A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension, do not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin instead at the word "but" which begins the second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative -- before they tell you. Thus: "I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none, but ... " (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut).
-- Frank Mankiewicz

A politician will do anything to keep his job -- even become a patriot.
-- William Randolph Hearst

A politician wouldn't dream of being allowed to call a columnist the things a columnist is allowed to call a politician.
-- Max Lerner

A poor idea well written is more likely to be accepted than a good idea poorly written.
-- Isaac Asimov

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: 'Caution -- Risk of Fire.'
-- www.mlaw.org

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
-- Herm Albright

A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

A prescription of sleeping pills says, 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
-- www.mlaw.org

A problem is a chance for you to do your best.
-- Duke Ellington

A problem is something you have hopes of changing. Anything else is a fact of life.
-- C.R. Smith

A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn't feel like it.
-- Alistair Cooke

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-- Joey Adams

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
-- Tom Antion

Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
-- Peter Nelson

[Arabs] never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.
-- Abba Eban

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential.
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)

A religious man is a person who holds God and man in one thought at one time, at all times, who suffers harm done to others, whose greatest passion is compassion, whose greatest strength is love and defiance of despair.
-- Abraham Joshua Heschel

A reputation once broken may possibly be repaired, but the world will always keep their eyes on the spot where the crack was.
-- Joseph Hall

Are we almost done with entertainment based on humiliation, teenage girl singers, prefab boy bands and rap, or is this an eternal punishment?
-- Chuck Lorre, TV producer

"Are you lost, daddy?" I asked tenderly. "Shut up," he explained.
-- Ring Lardner

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
-- Richard Bach

A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-- Ramsey Clark

A right without an attendant responsibility is as unreal as a sheet of paper which has only one side.
-- Felix Morley

A=r+p (Adventure equals risk plus purpose)
-- Robert McClure

Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as artificial flowers have to flowers.
-- David Parnas

Artificial manners vanish the moment the natural passions are touched.
-- Maria Edgeworth

Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth.
-- Pablo Picasso

Art is a service, not a product. Created beauty is a relationship, and a relationship with the Holy at that. Reducing such work to 'content' is like praying in swear words. End of Sermon. Back to business.
-- John Perry Barlow

Art is either plagiarism or revolution
-- Paul Gauguin

Art is like a shipwreck; it's every man for himself.
-- Marcel Duchamp

Art is man's expression of his joy in labour.
-- William Morris

Art is moral passion married to entertainment. Moral passion without entertainment is propaganda, and entertainment without moral passion is television.
-- Rita Mae Brown

Art is not going to change anybody's life or change society. Art is just a form of very high-class entertainment.
-- Robert Rosenblum

Art is the signature of civilization.
-- Beverly Sills

Artists -- by definition innocent -- don't steal. But they do borrow without giving back.
-- Ned Rorem

Artists can color the sky red because they know it's blue. Those of us who aren't artists must color things the way they really are or people might think we're stupid.
-- Jules Feiffer

Artists like cats; soldiers like dogs.
-- Desmond Morris

Art produces ugly things which frequently become beautiful with time. Fashion, on the other hand, produces beautiful things which always become ugly with time.
-- Jean Cocteau

As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* for doing it."
-- Bruce Feirstein

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
-- Matt Cartmill

As a rule, dictatorships guarantee safe streets and terror of the doorbell. In democracy the streets may be unsafe after dark, but the most likely visitor in the early hours will be the milkman.
-- Adam Michnik

As a rule, there is no surer way to the dislike of men than to behave well where they have behaved badly.
-- Lew Wallace

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people.
-- Peter McArthur

A science is any discipline in which the fool of this generation can go beyond the point reached by the genius of the last generation.
-- Max Gluckman

ASCII, n The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall receive."
-- Robb Russon

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
-- Tom Antion

As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.
-- Joseph Brodsky

As for geopolitical concerns that we shouldn't be dependent for our energy on people who hate us, that sword has two edges. The producing countries need oil revenues at least as much as we need oil. If they stop pumping, we would carpool, but they would starve.
-- Stephen J. Entin

A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
-- John A. Shedd

A side benefit of the new and developing technologies is that soon we won't have to feel guilty about the suffering and denigration of the animals because we will have made them up.
-- Joy Williams

A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Professor Steiner

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
-- Josef Stalin

A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world.
-- Leo Buscaglia

As in the case of many misanthropes, his disdain for people led him into a profession designed to serve them.
-- Toni Morrison

As I said before, I never repeat myself.
-- Tom Antion

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
-- Bob Inglis

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.
-- John Osborn

Ask not what your teammates can do for you. Ask what you can do for your teammates.
-- Magic Johnson

Ask the experimenters why they experiment on animals, and the answer is: 'Because the animals are like us.' Ask the experimenters why it is morally okay to experiment on animals, and the answer is: 'Because the animals are not like us.' Animal experimentation rests on a logical contradiction.
-- Professor Charles R. Magel

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

As long as art is the beauty parlor of civilization, neither art nor civilization is secure.
-- John Dewey

As long as I don't write about the government, religion, politics, and other institutions, I am free to print anything.
-- Beaumarchais

As long as judges tinker with the Constitution to 'do what the people want,' instead of what the document actually commands, politicians who pick and confirm new federal judges will naturally want only those who agree with them politically.
-- Antonin Scalia

As long as men are liable to die and are desirous to live, a physician will be made fun of, but he will be well paid.
-- Jean de La Bruyère

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
-- Dick Cavett

As long as the differences and diversities of mankind exist, democracy must allow for compromise, for accommodation, and for the recognition of differences.
-- Eugene McCarthy

As long as the people are virtuous they cannot be subdued; but when once they lose their virtue they will be ready to surrender their liberties to the first external or internal invader...If virtue and knowledge are diffused among the people, they will never be enslaved. This will be their great security.
-- Samuel Adams

As long as there are two nations, two parties, two sexes or even two people there are going to be divisions. And all the talk in the world isn't going to change that. Thank goodness!
-- Lyn Nofziger

As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making it round this time.
-- Mike Dennison

[A]s long as you're comfortable it feels like freedom.
-- Billy Bragg

A small debt produces a debtor; a large one, an enemy.
-- Publilius Syrus

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
-- American Proverb

A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves.
-- Henry de Jouvenel

As of December 2002, translation software is almost good enough to turn grammatically correct, slang-free text from one language into grammatically incorrect, barely readable approximations in another.
-- Carl Tashian

As one goes through life one learns that if you don't paddle your own canoe, you don't move.
-- Katherine Hepburn

As one grows older one becomes more critical of oneself and less of other people.
-- Basil Rathbone

As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging.
-- USA Today describing the IRS conversion to a new computer system

A speculator is a man who observes the future, and acts before it occurs.
-- Bernard M. Baruch

A speech is a solemn responsibility. The man who makes a bad thirty-minute speech to two hundred people wastes only a half hour of his own time. But he wastes one hundred hours of the audience's time -- more than four days -- which should be a hanging offense.
-- Jenkin Lloyd Jones

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.'"
-- Dick Wilson

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.
-- Maurice Wilkes, 1949

A statesman is a politician who places himself at the service of the nation. A politician is a statesman who places the nation at his service.
-- Georges Pompidou

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
-- Jack Handey

As threshing separates the wheat from the chaff, so does affliction purify virtue.
-- Richard E. Burton

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.
-- Socrates

Astrology is the sheerest hokum. This pseudoscience has been around since the day of the Chaldeans and Babylonians. It is as phony as numerology, phrenology, palmistry, alchemy, the reading of tea leaves, and the practice of divination by the entrails of a goat. No serious person will buy the notion that our lives are influenced individually by the movement of distant planets. This is the sawdust blarney of the carnival midway.
-- James J. Kilpatrick

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
-- Conan O'Brien

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
-- Marty Allen

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.
-- Sidney Greenberg

A sure way to lose happiness, I found, is to want it at the expense of everything else.
-- Bette Davis

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine bottle.
-- Charles Baudelaire

As your attorney, I advise you to not listen to reason.
-- Wiley Miller, in Non Sequitur

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store."
-- Mark Klein

A taste for Ingmar Bergman films is the modern substitute for attending hangings.
-- John McCarthy

At dinner time he would sit in a corner, concentrating, and suddenly they would say, "Time to feed the cat," as if it were their own idea.
-- Lillian Jackson Braun

A teacher who is attempting to teach without inspiring the pupil with a desire to learn is hammering on a cold iron.
-- Horace Mann

A team is where a boy can prove his courage on his own. A gang is where a coward goes to hide.
-- Mickey Mantle

At first glance, there's a lot of sex on the Internet. Or not at first glance: nobody can find anything on the Internet at first glance.
-- Senator Patrick Leahy

At first people refuse to believe that a strange new thing can be done, then they begin to hope it can be done, then they see it can be done -- then it is done and all the world wonders why it was not done centuries ago.
-- Frances Hodgson Burnett

Atheism requires too much faith.
-- Andrew C. Bulhak

Athens built the Acropolis. Corinth was a commercial city, interested in purely materialistic things. Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth.
-- Dr. Harold Urey

A thick skin is a gift from God.
-- Konrad Adenauer

A thousand dollars invested at just 8% for 400 years grows to $23 quadrillion. But the first 100 years are the hardest.
-- Sidney Homer

a thousand times, I was not half so sure of most things as I was before; at present, I am hardly sure of anything but what God has revealed to me.
-- John Wesley

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.
-- Eric Idle

At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
-- Marshall Lumsden

At one point, the Model A Ford looked great, right? But as times changed, engineers figured out ways to make it better. They don't do that in Washington, and that's sad.
-- Ross Perot

A toy car is a projection of a real car, made small enough for a child's hand and imagination to grasp. A real car is a projection of a toy car, made large enough for an adult's hand and imagination to grasp.
-- Michael Frayn

Attempts by some teachers to adjust school curricula to incorporate programs that children watch on television suggest a new means of 'leading' children by running after them as quickly as possible.
-- Joel Meyrowitz

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.
-- Salvador Dali

At the end of Bach's religious works appears the phrase Soli Deo Gloria -- to God alone the glory. Even in his secular music he often wrote at the head the letters I.N.J., meaning In Nomine Jesu. Bach's music constitute the most profound and magnificent body of work by a single mind, in any field, in the long human chronicle. Bach exhausted the possibilities of music in his time with a brilliance that exhausts superlatives. In him, as with few other artists of awesome fertility, ones sees the closest humanity can come to the boundless fecundity of nature, which generates forms and glories and tragedies beyond measure.
-- Jan Swafford

At the heart of racism is the religious assertion that God made a creative mistake when He brought some people into being.
-- Friedrich Otto Hertz

At the risk of some oversimplification, if the skill composition of our work force meshed fully with the needs of our increasingly complex capital-stock, wage-skill differentials would be stable, and the percentage changes in wage rates would be the same for all job grades.
-- Alan Greenspan

At times it is strangely sedative to know the extent of your own powerlessness.
-- Erica Jong

A tulip doesn't strive to impress anyone. It doesn't struggle to be different than a rose. It doesn't have to. It is different. And there's room in the garden for every flower.
-- Marianne Williamson

At what engine RPM should I be concerned about causing damage?
Anything above 0. We've found that at an RPM of 0, engine damage is extremely rare -- though not unheard of if my brother is working on the car.
-- Tom Magliozzi

A typical day in the life of a heavy metal musician consists of a round of golf and an AA meeting.
-- Billy Joel

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
-- John Ciardi

Authority without wisdom is like a heavy ax without an edge, fitter to bruise than polish.
-- Anne Bradstreet

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
-- Tennessee Williams

Avant-garde music is sort of research music. You're glad someone's done it but you don't necessarily want to listen to it.
-- Brian Eno

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
-- David Brenner

A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.
-- Paul Dudley White

A violinist had a violin, a painer his palette. All I had was myself. I was the instrument that I must care for.
-- Josephine Baker

Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.
-- Colin Powell

A war undertaken without sufficient monies has but a wisp of force. Coins are the very sinews of battles.
-- François Rabelais

A website about coffee is a bit like a radio show about ventriloquism. Undeterred, we thought we'd have a go anyway.
-- www.matthew-algie.co.uk

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance, and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
-- Paul Sweeney

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
-- Grace Hansen

Aw, how could he (Jorge Orta) lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico?
-- Harry Caray

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
-- Jim Samuels

A wise lover values not so much the gift of the lover as the love of the giver.
-- Thomas à Kempis

A wise man never knows all, only fools know everything.
-- African Proverb

A wise man seeks much counsel...a fool listens to all of it.
-- Larry Burkett

A wise man will keep his suspicions muzzled, but he will keep them awake.
-- George Savile, Marquess de Halifax

A wise man will not communicate his differing thoughts to unprepared minds, or in a disorderly manner.
-- Benjamin Whichcote

A woman is closest to being naked when she is well dressed.
-- Coco Chanel

A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-- Stendhal

A woman's life is a history of the affections.
-- Washington Irving

A wonderful discovery -- psychoanalysis. Makes quite simple people feel they're complex.
-- Samuel N. Behrman

A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged, it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and the time in which it is used.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

A writer must refuse to allow himself to be transformed into an institution.
-- Jean Paul Sartre

A year from now you will wish you had started today.
-- Karen Lamb

Aye, fight! But not your neighbor. Fight rather all the things that cause you and your neighbor to fight.
-- Mikhail Naim

Baby stroller warning label: to 'Remove child before folding.'
-- www.mlaw.org

Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
-- Socrates

Bad music disturbs me, but wonderful music disturbs me even more.
-- Arturo Benedetti Michelangelli

Bad news isn't wine. It doesn't improve with age.
-- Colin Powell

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
-- Homer Simpson

Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
-- Tom Lehrer

Baseball has done more to move America in the right direction than all of the professional patriots with all their cheap words.
-- Monte Irvin

Baseball hasn't been the national pastime for many years now -- no sport is. The national pastime, like it or not, is watching television.
-- Bob Greene

Baseball is all individual. If you've got nine guys doing their jobs, you've got a team. The only thing I can do when Harold Baines is at the plate is to root for him. There's no chemistry for me because I'm not at the plate. Chemistry is not the right word. I don't know what the right word is, but chemistry is not it.
-- Eric Davis

Baseball is a lot like life. The line drives are caught, the squibbers go for base hits. It's an unfair game.
-- Rod Kanehl

Baseball is like a poker game. Nobody wants to quit when he's losing; nobody wants to quit when you're ahead.
-- Jackie Robinson

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?
-- Jim Bouton

Basic research is like shooting an arrow into the air and where it lands, painting a target.
-- Homer Adkins

December 32, 1999:
We're pleased to report no Y2K failures!

Be alert to the beginnings of evil. It never comes under the appearance of evil, but always under the appearance of the beautiful, the promising, the idealistic, the pleasant...The fatal mistake often comes as a result of unexamined moral sentiments: affects and feelings that serve as moral guideposts without submitting to interrogation by reason.
-- Michael Novak

Beauty is the first present nature gives to women and the first it takes away.
-- George Brossin Mére

Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
-- Redd Foxx

Be careful to leave your sons well instructed rather than rich, for the hopes of the instructed are better than the wealth of the ignorant.
-- Epictetus

Because I'm fat, people believe I'm somehow vulnerable and easy to handle in a negotiation. Ever try to negotiate with a fat guy? We can be mean: Marvin Davis, Harvey Weinstein, Hermann Goering. No one screws around with us for long.
-- Bernie Brillstein

Because we do not understand the brain very well we are constantly tempted to use the latest technology as a model for trying to understand it. In my childhood we were always assured that the brain was a telephone switchboard. ('What else could it be?') I was amused to see that Sherrington, the great British neuroscientist, thought that the brain worked like a telegraph system. Freud often compared the brain to hydraulic and electro-magnetic systems. Leibniz compared it to a mill, and I am told some of the ancient Greeks thought the brain functions like a catapult. At present, obviously, the metaphor is the digital computer.
-- John R. Searle

Be ever questioning. Ignorance is not bliss. It is oblivion. You don't go to heaven if you die dumb. Become better informed. Lean from others' mistakes. You could not live long enough to make them all yourself.
-- Admiral Hyman Rickover

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
-- Addison H. Hallock

Before I was married, I had a hundred theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.
-- John Wilmot

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
-- Marilyn Monroe

Before most people start boasting about their family tree, they usually do a good pruning job.
-- Orlando A. Battista

Before the college football season...Kansas had to rebuild a defense that couldn't stop a pack of sousaphone players.
-- Sam Walker

Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity?
-- Steve Polyak

Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.
-- Gene Wolfe

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster, and do with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
-- Og Mandino

Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.
-- Scottish Proverb

Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats.
-- Dr. Douglas Busch

Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It's great for the first two weeks.
-- Lewis Grizzard

Being a star has made it possible for me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to get insulted.
-- Sammy Davis, Jr.

Being a writer is like having homework every night for the rest of your life.
-- Lawrence Kasdan

Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
-- Marilyn vos Savant

Being Gray Davis is like owning a cemetery, you've got a lot of people under you but nobody's listening.
-- Argus Hamilton

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
-- Eugene McCarthy

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
-- Karl Wallenda

Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.

Believe me, the power and pleasure and the emotion of this moment is a constant speed of light.
-- Tom Hanks (on receiving the Best Actor for Forrest Gump)

Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear.
-- Dinah Mulock Craik

Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts.
-- F.F. Bosworth

Believing is seeing. It's much more effective than the old notion that seeing is believing.
-- Terrence Deal

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
-- John Wooden

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.
-- Thomas à Kempis

Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
-- Pope Gregory I

Besides, government workers can't seem to run a railroad, count the votes or deliver my monthly copy of Swank, so what makes everybody think they're so skilled at this whole determine-who-should-live-and-die thing?
-- Bob Van Voris

Besides, once you give storms rednecky names like Charley and Earl, they're bound to make landfall *somewhere* in the south.
-- Rick MacKinnon

Best player ever? I'd have to go with the immoral Babe Ruth.
-- Johnny Logan, Baseball Player

Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.
-- Oprah Winfrey

Be the second to go in the water. That way, the alligator will eat the first guy in, and you can know what to avoid.
-- Chug

Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.
-- Christina Rossetti

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
-- Jack Handey

Better shun the bait than struggle in the snare.
-- John Dryden

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
-- B.C. Forbes

Between the great things we cannot do, and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing.
-- Adolph Monod

Be virtuous and you'll be happy? Nonsense! Be happy and you'll begin to be virtuous.
-- James Gould Cozzens

Beware lest in your anxiety to avoid war you obtain a master.
-- Demosthenes

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
-- Donald Knuth

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
-- Leonard Brandwein

Beware of substituting reading for thinking. Reading about the thoughts of others is not the same as having thoughts of your own. To be sure, to engage in thinking you need some acquaintance with the thoughts of others. The great thinkers inspire, provoke, confirm, and in other ways help you do your own thinking. But to think you must a some point lay down the book and strike out on your own.
-- Glenn Tinder

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
-- Kurt Vonnegut

Beware, o wanderer, the road is walking too.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Beware prejudices. They are like rats, and men's minds are like traps; prejudices get in easily, but it is doubtful if they ever get out.
-- Lord Jeffrey

Beware the lollipop of mediocrity; lick it once and you'll suck forever.
-- Brian Wilson

Be wary of puppy love; it can lead to a dog's life.
-- Gladiola Montana

Be who you are, say what you think, people that matter don't care, and people that care don't matter.
-- Dr. Seuss

Be willing to make decisions. That's the most important quality in a good leader. Don't fall victim to what I call the Ready-Aim-Aim-Aim Syndrome. You must be willing to fire.
-- T. Boone Pickens

Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many ways, helped save lives. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has such significance for so many.
-- David Hasselhoff

Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.
-- Diana Black

Bigotry tries to keep truth safe in its hand
With a grip that kills it.
-- Rabindranath Tagore

Bill Clinton...has not a creative bone in his body. Therefore he's a bore and will always be a bore.
-- David Brinkley

Bill Clinton's book has already sold more than 600,000 copies. All of them to women who want to see if their name is mentioned.
-- Craig Kilborn

Blame is a neat little device that you can use whenever you don't want to take responsibility for something in your life. Use it and you will avoid all risks and impede your own growth.
-- Wayne Dyer

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
-- W.C. Bennett

Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.
-- Tim McCarver

Bodies devoid of mind are as statues in the market place.
-- Euripides

Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind.
-- Plato

Boredom is the keynote of poverty ... for when there is no money there is no change of any kind, not of scene or of routine.
-- Moss Hart

Born? Hell, Babe Ruth wasn't born. He fell from a tree.
-- Joe Dugan

Bosses tend to get the workers they deserve.
-- Martin Wiener

Boston's freeway system was clearly designed by someone who spent his entire life crashing trains.
-- Bill Bryson

Boy, I feel safer now that [Martha Stewart]'s behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around free, Kenneth Lay of Enron is still walking free; Osama Bin Laden too. BUT they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul her ass to jail.
-- Tim Allen

Brains are still unfashionable for women to wear, and it has always been proof of women's superiority that the more intelligent a man is, the more women admire him, while the bigger fool a woman is, the more men run after her.
-- Dorothea Dix

Brandy and water spoils two good things.
-- Charles Lamb

BROKEE, n. Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.

Bruce Sutter has been around for a while and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old, that will give you some idea of how old he is.
-- Ron Fairly, Baseball Announcer

Brutes gaze on sights, they are arrested by sounds; and what they see and what they hear are sights and sounds only. The intellect of man, on the contrary, energises as well as his eye or ear, and perceives in sights or sounds something beyond them.
-- John Henry Newman

Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.
-- Willard Scott

BUG, n. An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
-- Datamation, January 15, 1984

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-- Terry Pratchett

Bureaucracy, the rule of no one, has become the modern form of despotism.
-- Mary McCarthy

Burning stakes do not lighten the darkness.
-- Stanislaw Lem

But America is a great, unwieldy Body. Its Progress must be slow... Like a Coach and six -- the swiftest Horses must be slackened and the slowest quickened, that all may keep an even Pace.
-- John Quincy Adams

But I don't like Spam!!!!
-- Monty Python

But make no mistake: the weeds will win; nature bats last.
-- Robert M. Pyle

But never forget that you can only stumble if you're moving.
-- Richard P. Carlton

[B]ut when he [the people's champion] has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.
-- Plato

But when television is bad, nothing is worse. I invite you to sit down in front of your television set when your station goes on the air and stay there without a book, magazine, newspaper, profit-and-loss sheet or rating book to distract you -- and keep your eyes glued to that set until the station signs off. I can assure you that you will observe a vast wasteland.
-- Newton Minow

Buy straw hats in the wintertime. Summer will surely come.
-- Bernard M. Baruch

By annihilating the desires, you annihilate the mind. Every man without passions has within him no principle of action, nor motive to act.
-- Claude Adrien Helvétius

By any measure, 2002 was a difficult year for Westar Energy. The company recorded a loss of $793.4 million, 45 percent of book value; the share price dropped to a low of $8.50 from $17.20 at its close December 31,2001; the Securities and Exchange Commission, the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission, and the U.S. Attorney's Office commenced investigations of various aspects of past business practices; relations with the Kansas Corporation Commission were severely strained; and liquidity issues became a concern by mid-2002.
-- 2002 Westar Energy Annual report, opening sentence

By common consent gray hairs are a crown of glory; the only object of respect that can never excite envy.
-- George Bancroft

By cultivating the beautiful we scatter the seeds of heavenly flowers, as by doing good we cultivate those that belong to humanity.
-- Vernon Howard

By studying the masters and not their pupils.
-- Niels H. Abel, in reply to a question about how he acquired his expertise

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
-- Charles Wadsworth

By the time you kill and mount what you catch, it has lost that very thing that made it worth having. I knew this only as a vague sense of disappointment at age 10; not until later did I recognize it as a metaphor for much of life.
-- Anna Quindlen (on collecting butterflies)

Called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms regional office and asked, "What wine goes best with an M-16?" The guy who answered did his best to be helpful: "That depends. What are you smoking?
-- Michael Maciolek

Call it what you will, incentives are what get people to work harder.
-- Nikita Khrushchev

Calm and order can be just as dangerous to democracy as uneasiness and disorder.
-- Hildegard Hamm-Bruecher

Can a course labeled visual literacy enhance anyone's appreciation of the English language?....The best way to protect children from being misled by television or newspapers or politicians for corporations is to broaden their knowledge. As a start they might be taught to read well enough to recognize the ignorance behind a phrase like 'visual literacy.'
-- Walter Goodman

Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.
-- Gerald Regan

Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price.
-- Robert J. Ringer

Capitalism and communism stand at opposite poles. Their essential difference is this: The communist, seeing the rich man and his fine home, says: "No man should have so much." The capitalist, seeing the same thing, says: "All men should have so much."
-- Phelps Adams

Capitalists are motivated not chiefly by the desire to consume wealth or indulge their appetites, but by the freedom and power to consummate their entrepreneurial ideas.
-- George Gilder

Captain Littlepage had overset his mind with too much reading.
-- Sarah Orne Jewett

Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing.
-- Milton Hershey

Careers, like rockets, don't always take off on schedule. The key is to keep working on the engines.
-- Gary Sinise

Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be made in favor of dirt.
-- Sandra Boynton

CARPERPETUATION, n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Cartridge for a laser printer warns, 'Do not eat toner.'
-- www.mlaw.org

Catching a flyball is a pleasure, but knowing what to do with it after you catch it is a business.
-- Tommy Henrich

Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn.
-- John Wesley

Cats always know whether people like or dislike them. They do not always care enough to do anything about it.
-- Winifred Carriere

Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place.
-- Paul Gray

Cats are notoriously sore losers. Coming in second best, especially to someone as poorly coordinated as a human being, grates their sensibility.
-- Stephen Baker

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
-- Jeff Valdez

Cats can't help being curious; it's in their genes. I realize that. But if curiosity killed the cat, this one is asking for it. Other cats are curious -- this cat is downright nosy. What's inside the sink cupboards? Behind the refrigerator? Down the hot-air registers? On top of the television? Beneath the papers on my desk?
-- Maynard Good Stoddard

Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause the most inconvenience.
-- Pam Brown

Cats do not need to be shown how to have a good time, for they are unfailingly ingenious in that respect.
-- James Mason

Cats don't caress us -- they caress themselves on us.
-- Antoine de Rivarol

Celebrity testimonials may help [sell] erectile-dysfunction products, but in politics, they're mainly eye candy for the media.
-- Marty Kaplan

Certain folks are intolerant to the point where hearing others express their faith fills them with outrage and bitterness. But that's a topic for their therapist, not for our school board meetings and town hall hearings.
-- Jim Geraghty

Certainly, it is a world of scarcity. But the scarcity is not confined to iron ore and arable land. The most constricting scarcities are those of character and personality.
-- William R. Allen

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny
Did you ever try buying them without money?
-- Ogden Nash

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.
-- Simone Signoret

Chance favors the prepared mind.
-- Louis Pasteur

Change does not necessarily assure progress, but progress implacably requires change. Education is essential to change, for education creates both new wants and the ability to satisfy them.
-- Henry Steele Commager

Change is an easy panacea. It takes character to stay in one place and be happy there.
-- Elizabeth Clarke Dunn

Change is the process by which the future invades our lives.
-- Alvin Toffler

Changing someone's life is not the best, is not wanting to change the other life. It is being who you are that changes another's life. Do you understand?
-- Juliette Binoche

Character assassination is at once easier and surer than physical assault; and it involves far less risk for the assassin. It leaves him free to commit the same deed over and over again, and may, indeed, win him the honors of a hero even in the country of his victims.
-- Alan Barth

Character does count. For too long we have gotten along in a society that says the only thing right is to get by and the only thing wrong is to get caught. For me character is simple. Character is doing what's right when nobody is looking.
-- J.C. Watts

Character is made by what you stand for; reputation by what you fall for.
-- Alexander Woollcott

Character is not made in a crisis -- it is only exhibited.
-- Robert Freeman

Character is what you do on the third and fourth tries.
-- James Michener

Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones.
-- Phillips Brooks

Charity gives itself rich; covetousness hoards itself poor.
-- German Proverb

Charity is taking an ugly girl to lunch.
-- Warren Beatty

Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul; the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.
-- Napoleon Hill

Children are gutted on my show from stem to stern, but I couldn't have a serial killer say the word 'retard' because that would have been insensitive.
-- Tim Minear (About his show The Inside)

Children enter school as question marks and leave as periods.
-- Neil Postman

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
-- James Baldwin

Children, like animals, use all their senses to discover the world. Then artists come along and discover it the same way all over again.
-- Eudora Welty

Children who are pushed into adult experience do not become precociously mature. On the contrary, they cling to childhood longer, perhaps all their lives.
-- Peter Neubauer

Chocolate causes certain endocrine glands to secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy. Therefore, it counteracts depression, in turn reducing the stress of depression. Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically and mentally. So, eat lots of chocolate!
-- Elaine Sherman

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don't need an appointment.

Christians have burnt each other, quite persuaded
That all of the Apostles would have done as they did.
-- Lord Byron

CIA Director George Tenet briefed a Senate panel ... about the current situation in Iraq. He described how cash was being stolen and women were being assaulted with impunity. Senators love to attend these continuing education seminars.
-- Argus Hamilton

Civility costs nothing and buys everything.
-- Susannah Centlivre

Civilization is a progress from an indefinite, incoherent homogeneity toward a definite, coherent heterogeneity.
-- Herbert Spencer

Civilization is nothing else but the attempt to reduce force to being the last resort.
-- José Ortega y Gasset

Classical music is at odds with contemporary culture precisely because of its insistence on the tension between the bodily and intellectual, the material and the spiritual, the thinglike and its transcendence in thought. A culture that is merely sensuous and that denies the activity of the mind within sensuous materials risks becoming pornographic.
-- Julian Johnson

Clearly, a civilization that feels guilty for everything it is and does will lack the energy and conviction to defend itself.
-- Jean Francois Revel

Cleverness is serviceable for everything, sufficient for nothing.
-- Amiel

Climbers aim for the summit because it is there. Bungee jumpers dive off the top because they aren't all there.
-- Jessica Seigel

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
-- Barbara Bush

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
-- Cheers

Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
-- Cheers

Collective judgement of new ideas is so often wrong that it is arguable that progress depends on individuals being free to back their own judgement despite collective disapproval.
-- W.A. Lewis

Collectivism takes on many guises and seldom uses its own real name. Words like 'community' and 'social' soothe us into thinking that collectivist decision-making is somehow higher and nobler than individual or 'selfish' decision-making. But the cold fact is that communities do not make decisions. Individuals who claim to speak for the community impose their decisions on us all.
-- Doug Bandow

Colleges don't make fools. They only develop them.
-- George H. Lorimer

College students are the worst consumers in the world; they want the least, not the most, for their money.
-- Walter J. Hipple

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.
-- Jerry Lewis

Comedy is tragedy... plus time.
-- Carol Burnett

Come, let us pity those who are better off than we are.
Come, my friend, and remember that the rich have butlers and no friends,
And we have friends and no butlers.
-- Ezra Pound

Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.
-- Blair Houghton

Committing to a lifetime of wellness is not a luxury -- it's a necessity. You'll never have enough time; you have to make the time.
-- Oprah Winfrey

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
-- Clive James

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.
-- David Guaspari

Competition brings out the best in products, and the worst in people.
-- David Sarnoff

Complete equality isn't compatible with democracy, but it is a agreeable to totalitarianism. After all the only way to ensure the equality of the slothful, the inept and the immoral is to suppress everyone else.
-- Iain Benson

Compromise, hell! That's what has happened to us all down the line -- and that's the very cause of our woes. If freedom is right and tyranny is wrong, why should those who believe in freedom treat it as if it were a roll of bologna to be bartered a slice at a time?
-- Jesse Helms

Computer Science is as much about computers as astronomy is about telescopes.
-- Edsger Wybe Dijkstra

Computer scientists are smarter than mathematicians. It took computer scientists only 30 years to do what it took mathematicians 300 years to do. Become irrelevant.
-- David Kuck

Comrades! We must abolish the cult of the individual decisively, once and for all.
-- Nikita Khrushchev

Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst.
-- Martial

Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.
-- Ray Knight

Concentration-wise, we're having trouble crossing the line mentally from a toughness standpoint.
-- Bill Parcells, after a loss

Conflict acting on intelligence creates imagination. Faced with conflict, creatures are forced to imagine what will happen, where the next threat will come from. If there has never been conflict, imagination never develops. Wits arise in answer to danger, to pain, to tragedy. No one ever got smarter eating easy apples.
-- Sheri S. Tepper

Conformists look around and follow closely; Nonconformists look around and do the opposite. Individualists don't look around a lot.
-- Eromon D'Alyzala

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!
-- Ben Jonson

Congratulations on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.
-- Yogi Berra

Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing. Nobody listens -- and then everybody disagrees.
-- Boris Marshalov

Consciously or unconsciously we all strive to make the kind of a world we like.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Consideration touches more deeply and longer than passion.
-- James Crumley

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
-- Jacob Braude

Considering how dangerous everything is, nothing is really very frightening.
-- Gertrude Stein

Consider the following axioms carefully:
"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
and
"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".

Consistency is a human word, but it certainly expresses nothing human.
-- Letitia E. Landon

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
-- Bernard Berenson

Constancy, far from being a virtue, seems often to be the besetting sin of the human race, daughter of laziness and self-sufficiency, sister of sleep, the cause of most wars and practically all persecutions.
-- Freya Stark

Constitutions are checks upon the hasty action of the majority. They are self-imposed restraints of a whole people upon a majority of them to secure sober action and a respect for the rights of the minority.
-- William Howard Taft

Container of underarm deodorant says, 'Caution: Do not spray in eyes.'
-- www.mlaw.org

Contemporary Democrats are people who can't stand the idea that someone, somewhere is experiencing good news.
-- Rich Lowry

Contentment is, after all, simply refined indolence.
-- Thomas Haliburton

Continuity does not rule out fresh approaches to fresh situations.
-- Dean Rusk

Conversation means being able to disagree and still continue the discussion.
-- Dwight Macdonald

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Corporate socialism -- the privatization of profit and the socialization of risks and misconduct -- is displacing capitalist canons. This condition prevents an adaptable capitalism, served by equal justice under law, from delivering higher standards of living and enlarging its absorptive capacity for broader community and environmental values. Civic and political talent must call for a decent separation of corporation and state.
-- Ralph Nader

Could anything be absurder than a man? The animal who knows everything about himself -- except why he was born and the meaning of his unique existence.
-- Storm Jameson

Could I climb to the highest place in Athens, I would lift my voice and proclaim -- fellow-citizens, why do ye turn and scrape every stone to gather wealth, and take so little care of your children, to whom one day you must relinquish it all?
-- Socrates

Could you tell night from day?
No, I regard all such distinctions as logically impossible.
-- Heraclitus

Country music is three chords and the truth.
-- Harlan Howard

Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply.
-- Thomas Merton

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.
-- Eddie Rickenbacker

Courage is more than standing for a firm conviction. It includes the risk of questioning that conviction.
-- Julian Weber Gordon

Courage is the price that life extracts for granting peace. The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things.
-- Amelia Earhart

Courage... is when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.
-- Harper Lee

Cowardice ... is almost always simply a lack of ability to suspend the functioning of the imagination.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
-- Wernher von Braun

Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along.
-- Alan Ashley-Pitt

Creatures whose mainspring is curiosity enjoy the accumulating of facts far more than the pausing at times to reflect on those facts.
-- Clarence Day

Credit cards are like mosquitoes. You can keep them away for a while, but sooner or later they will be back to suck your blood.
-- Ted Steckley

Credulity is the man's weakness, but the child's strength.
-- Charles Lamb

Crime expands according to our willingness to put up with it.
-- Barry Farber

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They're there every night, they see it done every night, they see how it should be done every night, but they can't do it themselves.
-- Brendan Behan

Critics? I love every bone in their heads.
-- Eugene O'Neill

Cucifixes are sexy because they've got a naked man on the front.
-- Madonna

Culture is about making meaning as much as it is about making money. In the West, we don't make meaning anymore -- we make poisonously unsatisfying replicas of meaning -- brand names, Mickey Mouse, TV celebrities. If you give people no opportunity to create meaning in their lives, you can sell them ersatz pseudo-meaning over and over forever. They'll never be satisfied, they'll always be desperate to buy more. The more they eat, the hungrier they'll be.
-- Mark McDonough

Culture is an instrument wielded by professors to manufacture professors, who when their turn comes, will manufacture professors.
-- Simone Weil

Curious things, habits. People themselves never know they have them.
-- Agatha Christie

Curmudgeons never watch "Must See TV" -- and they know the very term is a contradiction.
-- Jon Winkour

Cutting corners no doubt makes the job easier for the government, but making the government's job easier is rarely a priority. Preserving the Constitution, fighting off the nibblers and chippers, even nibblers and chippers with good intentions, was once regarded by conservatives as the first duty of the citizen. It still is.
-- Wesley Pruden

Cynicism is a cheap substitute for sophistication. You don't actually have to learn anything.
-- John McCarthy

Cynicism is the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. It is the dishonest businessman's substitute for conscience. It is the communicator's substitute, whether he is advertising man or editor or writer, for self-respect.
-- Russell Lynes

Dad gave me two pieces of advice. One was, "No matter how good you think you are, there are people better than you." But he was an optimist too; his other advice: "Never worry about rejection. Every day is a new beginning."
-- John Ritter

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.
-- Al Unser, Jr

Data, data everywhere, but no one knows a thing.
-- Roger Kimball

David Cone is in a class by himself with three or four other players.
-- George Steinbrenner

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.
-- Homer Simpson

Dear Mr Noman, does it ever strike you,
The more we see of you, the less we like you?
-- Hilaire Belloc

Death and taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them.
-- Margaret Mitchell

Death in itself is nothing; but we fear
To be we know not what, we know not where.
-- John Dryden

Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.
-- A. Sachs

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.
-- Rabindranath Tagore

Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.

Debts make free men slaves.
-- Menander

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
-- Brian W. Kernighan

"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.
-- Randy Davis

Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.
-- George E. Woodberry

Defeat never comes to any man until he admits it.
-- Josephus Daniels

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.
-- Evan Esar

Deliberate with caution, but act with decision; and yield with graciousness, or oppose with firmness.
-- Charles Hole

Democracies don't prepare well for things that have never happened before.
-- Richard A. Clarke

Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a Communist politician is through, he is through.

Democracy cannot be forced upon a society, neither is it a gift that can be held forever. It has to be struggled hard for and defended everyday anew.
-- Heinz Galinski

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.
-- Alan Coren

Democracy does not create strong ties between people. But it does make living together easier.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions -- it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
-- Irving Kristol

Democracy encourages the majority to decide things about which the majority is blissfully ignorant.
-- John Simon

Democracy is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequal alike.
-- Plato

Democracy ... is a system of self-determination. It's the right to make the wrong choice.
-- John Patrick

Democracy is based on the conviction that there are extraordinary possibilities in ordinary people.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
-- Robert Byrne

Democracy is messy. It is messy whether you've been doing it since 1789 or whether you're going to do it for the first time in 2005. The trouble with Democracy is, you hold elections. The trouble with dictatorships is...you don't.
-- Rich Galen

Democracy is not something you believe in or a place to hang your hat, but it's something you do. You participate. If you stop doing it, democracy crumbles.
-- Abbie Hoffman

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking.
-- Clement Atlee

Democracy means having the choice. Dictatorship means being given the choice.
-- Jeannine Luczak

Democracy means: Sticking to the rules of the game, even when the referee is not looking.
-- Manfred Hausmann

Democracy without morality is impossible.
-- Jack Kemp

Democrats may be in the minority in Congress, but we speak for the majority of Americans.
-- Ted Kennedy

Demythologized, we might say that our idolatrous tendency consists in thinking that our own estimation of our own worth and value can be the main or exclusive criterion by which we judge the worth and value of all other species.
-- Reverend Andrew Linzey

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.
-- R.E. Shay

Designing an object to be simple and clear takes at least twice as long as the usual way. It requires concentration at the outset on how a clear and simple system would work, followed by the steps required to make it come out that way -- steps which are often much harder and more complex than the ordinary ones. It also requires relentless pursuit of that simplicity even when obstacles appear which would seem to stand in the way of that simplicity.
-- T.H. Nelson

Despair is like forward children, who, when you take away one of their playthings, throw the rest into the fire for madness. It grows angry with itself, turns its own executioner, and revenges its misfortunes on its own head.
-- Pierre Charron

Despite its suffix, skepticism is not an "ism" in the sense of a belief or dogma. It is simply an approach to the problem of telling what is counterfeit and what is genuine. And a recognition of how costly it may be to fail to do so. To be a skeptic is to cultivate "street smarts" in the battle for control of one's own mind, one's own money, one's own allegiances. To be a skeptic, in short, is to refuse to be a victim.
-- Robert S. DeBear

Despotism sits nowhere so secure as under the effigy and ensigns of freedom.
-- Walter Savage Landor

Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.
-- Joseph Heller

Destiny is an invention of the cowardly and the resigned.
-- Ignazio Silone

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
-- William Jennings Bryan

Development is when you know the answer, but not how to get there. Applied research is when you know the question, but not the answer. Pure research is when you don't know the question.
-- Nick MacLaren

Deviants are sacrificed to increase group solidarity
-- Jenny Holzer

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
-- Tom Antion

Dictators are rulers who always look good until the last ten minutes.
-- Jan Masaryk

Dictatorships are one-way streets. Democracy boasts two-way traffic.
-- Alberto Moravia

Dictum on television scripts: We don't want it good -- we want it Tuesday.
-- Dennis Norden

Didja ever notice that a dead high school jock is a "tragedy," but a dead high school geek is just dead?
-- David Rosenfeld

Did nothing in particular, and did it very well.
-- W.S. Gilbert

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
-- Dennis Leary

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy

Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship the number zero?
Is nothing sacred?

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore (Last words)

different schools of physics can quarrel for years with no firm resolution on either side? If this is so then how is it fair to imprison a person in a mental hospital for life with no trial and no jury and no parole for failing to understand reality? By this criterion should not all but a handful of the world's most advanced physicists be locked up for life? Who is crazy here and who is sane?
-- Robert Pirsig

Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.
-- Daniele Vare

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
-- Wynn Catlin

Diplomacy without arms is like music without instruments.
-- Frederick the Great

Discipline yourself and others won't have to.
-- John Wooden

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
-- Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi

Dishonesty, cowardice and duplicity are never impulsive.
-- George A. Knight

Dissatisfaction with possession and achievement is one of the requisites to further achievement.
-- John Hope

Distance is a great promoter of admiration!
-- Denis Diderot

Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.
-- Roy Blount, Jr.

Doctors are busy playing God when so few of us have the qualifications. And besides, the job is taken.
-- Bernie S. Siegel

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon

DOE is updating a policy to prevent the unauthorized use of US nuclear weapons and explosives.
-- Tri-Valley Herald newspaper

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Does the restaurant that invented the fried Twinkie have a hostess?
-- Bob Kevoian

Dogs often remind us of the human, all-too human. Cats, never.
-- Mason Cooley

Do I contradict myself?
Very well, then I contradict myself,
I am large, I contain multitudes.
-- Walt Whitman

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing, but nobody else does.
-- Steuart H. Britt

Dollars cannot buy yesterday.
-- Admiral Harold R. Stark

Dollars have never been known to produce character, and character will never by produced by money.
-- W.K. Kellogg

Do not attempt to do a thing unless you are sure of yourself; but do not relinquish it simply because someone else is not sure of you.
-- Stewart E. White

Do not chose to be wrong for the sake of being different.
-- Herbert Samuel

Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.

Do not go from the slavery of the Communist regime to the slavery of consumerism.
-- Pope John Paul II

Do not imagine that art is something which is designed to give gentle uplift and self-confidence. Art is not a brassiere. At least, not in the English sense. But do not forget that brassiere is the French for life-jacket.
-- Julian Barnes

Do not join encounter groups. If you enjoy being made to feel inadequate, call your mother.
-- Liz Smith

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
-- John Wooden

Do not look directly into laser beam with remaining eye.
-- Sign in Sandia Labs

Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle.
-- Phillips Brooks

Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.
-- Dag Hammarskjold

Do not think of knocking out another person's brains because he differs in opinion from you. It would be as rational to knock yourself on the head because you differ from yourself ten years ago.
-- Horace Mann

Do not trust governments more than governments trust their own people.
-- Andrei Sakharov

Do not trust the cheering, for those persons would cheer just as much if you and I were going to be hanged.
-- Oliver Cromwell

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.

Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a fool from any side.
-- Jewish Proverb

Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
-- Daniel Greenberg

Don't bargain for fish which are still in the water.
-- Indian Proverb

Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
-- David Lloyd George

Don't be too sweet lest you be eaten up; don't be too bitter lest you be spewed out.
-- Jewish Proverb

Don't call me son unless you're going to include me in your will.
-- Al McGuire

Don't cling to fame. You're just borrowing it. It's like money. You're going to die, and somebody else is going to get it.
-- Sonny Bono

Don't come to me with your troubles. I have to work for my money and you are young enough to work too. If you can't make enough money to live on you can jump out of the window or drown yourself.
-- Maria Callas (To her mother)

Don't dare to be different, dare to be yourself -- if that doesn't make you different then something is wrong.
-- Laura Baker

Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.
-- English Proverb

Don't ever have two dogs. That way you won't know which one to blame.
-- Bob Newhart

Don't get a job in an abattoir. Don't be a butcher. The idea that people have to do these jobs for a livelihood is ridiculous. They can get other jobs. Shoplift, man. Better to be a prostitute than cut an animal's head off for a living.
-- Chrissie Hynde

Don't just learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.
-- James Bennis

Don't look forward to the day when you stop suffering. Because when it comes, you'll know you're dead.
-- Tennessee Williams

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
-- Scottish Proverb

Don't place too much confidence in the man who boasts of being as honest as the day is long. Wait until you meet him at night.
-- Robert C. Edwards

Don't play what's there, play what's not there.
-- Miles Davis

Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
-- Darryl F. Zanuck

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
-- Robert Orben

Don't spend your precious time asking 'Why isn't the world a better place?' It will only be time wasted. The question to ask is 'How can I make it better?' To that there is an answer.
-- Leo Buscaglia

Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
-- Walt Kelly

Don't talk about what you have done or what you are going to do -- do it and let it speak for itself.
-- Martin Vanbee

Don't talk to me about atrocities in war; all war is an atrocity.
-- Lord Kitchener

Don't tell me how talented you are. Tell me how hard you work.
-- Artur Rubenstein

Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.
-- Ray Bradbury

Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
-- Brian Dyson

Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- The Old Farmer's Almanac

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
-- Howard Aiken

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schulz

Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good.
-- Lora Brody

Do or do not; there is no try.
-- Yoda

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
-- New York Times, November 26, 1991

Do they really think they're scary? I like to think of NFL players as guys between prison sentences. Are they really supposed to be afraid of drunk, fat guys who paint their faces black?
-- Joe Queenan (on Oakland Raiders fans)

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
-- Paul Tillich

Do we really think that a government-dominated education is going to produce citizens capable of dominating their government, as the education of a truly vigilant self-governing people requires?
-- Alan Keyes

Do what is right, though the world may perish.
-- Immanuel Kant

Do what you think is right in your heart. You'll be criticized anyway.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Do you know what our suicide rate would be if we didn't have television? Do you know how much happiness I've brought to people who couldn't get out of the house but could watch Love Boat?
-- Aaron Spelling

Do you not know...that a child badly taught is farther from being wise than one not taught at all?
-- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Do you not know that disease and death must needs overtake us, no matter what we are doing? What do you wish to be doing when it overtakes you? If you have anything better to be doing when you are so overtaken, get to work on that.
-- Epictetus

Do your bit to save humanity from lapsing back into barbarity by reading all the novels you can.
-- Richard Hughes

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.
-- Erica Jong

Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for instant motor skills.
-- Marc Price

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Drop the idea that you are Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders. The world would go on even without you. Don't take yourself so seriously.
-- Norman Vincent Peale

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.
-- Carl Zwanig

Dude, if we don't hate the Yankees, the terrorists have won.
-- Bob Van Voris

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
-- Bill Maher

Dysfunctional families have sired a number of pretty good actors.
-- Gene Hackman

Each section of the British Isles has its own way of laughing, except Wales, which doesn't.
-- Stephen Leacock

Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Early to bed and early to rise -- till you get enough money to do otherwise.
-- Peter's Almanac

Economics is simply common sense made difficult.
-- Mark Vitner

Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
-- Edgar R. Fiedler

Economy is a way of spending money without getting any pleasure out of it.
-- Armand Salacrou

Edison did not invent the first talking machine -- he invented the first on that could be turned off.

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want.
-- Charlotte Observer, 1897

Education ... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
-- G.M. Trevelyan

Education has really only one basic factor: one must want it.
-- George E. Woodberry

Education is a weapon, whose effect depends on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed.
-- Josef Stalin

Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.
-- William Butler Yeats

Education is the power to think clearly, the power to act well in the world's work, and the power to appreciate life.
-- Brigham Young

Education is the process of driving a set of prejudices down your throat.
-- Martin Henry Fischer

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
-- Pete Seeger

Education makes a people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave.
-- Henry Brougham

Education would be so much more effective if its purpose were to ensure that by the time they leave school every boy and girl should know how much they don't know, and be imbued with a lifelong desire to know it.
-- Sir William Haley

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks

Egotism -- usually just a case of mistaken nonentity.
-- Barbara Stanwyck

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer.
-- Fred Brooks

Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
-- Sir Philip Sidney

Electricity is of two kinds, positive and negative. The difference is, I presume, that one comes a little more expensive, but is more durable; the other is a cheaper thing, but the moths get into it.
-- Stephen Leacock

EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY.
--On a t-shirt

ENDLESS LOOP, n. see Loop, Endless.
LOOP, ENDLESS, n. see Endless Loop.-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary

Engineers treat physics like a pimp treats a whore.
-- Friedrich Durrenmatt

England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
-- Jackie Mason

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think.
-- Chinese Proverb

Enron Hubbard Forms Church of Shysterology
-- Headline from Daily Probe website

Envy honors the dead in order to insult the living.
-- Claude Adrien Helvétius

Envy is more irreconcilable than hate. It is the most corroding of all political vices and also a great power in our land. The friends of freedom are content to be envied, but envy not.
-- Hans F. Sennholz

[E]nvy never comes to the ball dressed as envy. It comes dressed as something else: Asceticism, High Standards, Common Sense.
-- Martin Amis

Essentially, the popular musician in America must learn that his basic job is to entertain people, to make them forget their sorrows for a moment or two; in the same sense that any popular art form must aim at the same distraction value. Any such job as that is basically a young man's business. It takes a young man's energy to go traveling around the country, night after night in a different place, prancing and cavorting around in front of mobs of people all out to try to forget their problems for an evening. And for a young man it can be a good enough way of life, if he happens to like it.
-- Artie Shaw

Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.
-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360

Establishing lasting peace is the work of education; all politics can do is keep us out of war.
-- Maria Montessori

Europeans hate the way Americans talk. They think we're loud and uncouth and they don't like our jokes, except for Michael Moore. Plus, they resent the fact that they've had to learn our language because if they didn't we wouldn't buy their stupid metric widgets or visit their overpriced ruins.
-- Denis Boyles

Even Hollywood millionaires are now clamoring for legal protections for their illegal-alien nannies and gardeners, though such elites would hardly countenance a similar legal laxity that would allow foreign film technicians, screenwriters, and actors to flood southern California to work in their industry for a fourth of their own pay.
-- Victor Davis Hanson

Even if language is a living evolving organism, we don't have to embrace all the changes that occur during our lifetimes. If language is so alive, it can get sick.
-- Christopher Lehmann-Haupt

Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.
-- John Weitz

Even paranoids have real enemies.
-- Delmore Schwartz

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Ever consider what [dogs] must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-- Anne Tyler

Ever since I had that interview in which I said I was bisexual it seems twice as many people wave at me in the streets.
-- Elton John

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-- John Mendoza

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it, for error is always talkative.
-- Oliver Goldsmith

Every age is blind to its own worst madness.
-- Allan Bloom

Every artist wants his work to be permanent. But what is? The Aswan Dam covered some of the greatest art in the world. Venice is sinking. Great books and pictures were lost in the Florence floods. In the meantime we still enjoy butterflies.
-- Romare Beardon

Every ballpark used to be unique. Now, it's like women's breasts -- if you've seen one, you've seen 'em both.
-- Jim Kaat

Every body continues in its state of rest or uniform motion in a straight line, except insofar as it doesn't.
-- Sir Arthur Eddington

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense.
-- Gertrude Stein

Everybody's for democracy in principle. It's only in practice that the thing gives rise to stiff objections.
-- Meg Greenfield

Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
-- Charles Dudley Warner

Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.
-- Pablo Picasso

Every city has its undesirables. In terms of interesting and disgusting locations, Los Angeles has East LA, New York has Harlem, and Europe has France. These are the places that nobody wants to go if they can help it, a place where things are abandoned, and forgotten about, a place where the scum of society thrive.
-- Chris Robock

Every compulsion is put upon writers to become safe, polite, obedient, and sterile.
-- Sinclair Lewis

Every debt is ultimately paid, if not by the debtor, then eventually by the creditor.
-- Jim Grant

Every difficulty slurred over will be a ghost to disturb your repose later on.
-- Frederic Chopin

Every dog has like me the impulse to question, and I have like every dog the impulse not to answer.
-- Franz Kafka

Every good journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
-- J. Russell Lynes

Every good poet includes a critic, but the reverse will not hold.
-- William Shenstone

Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority.
-- Thomas H. Huxley

Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-- Frank Moore Colby

Every inch the government grows, the same inch is taken from the liberties of the people, starting with the basic liberty of spending your own money the way you choose rather than the way the government chooses to spend it for you.
-- Jay Ambrose

Every journalist who is not too stupid or too full of himself to notice what is going on knows that what he does is morally indefensible. He is a kind of confidence man, preying on people's vanity, or loneliness, gaining their trust and betraying them without remorse.
-- Janet Malcolm

Every kid I knew had a father with a little stash of men's magazines which the father thought was secret and which the kid knew all about.
-- Bill Bryson

Every life has a death, and every light a shadow. Be content to stand in the light, and let the shadow fall where it will.
-- Mary Stewart

Every luxury must be paid for, and everything is a luxury, starting with being in this world.
-- Cesare Pavese

Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. And then it is gone. But to sacrifice what you are and live without belief, that's more terrible than dying.
-- Joan of Arc

Every man has three characters -- that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has.
-- Alphonse Karr

Every man is his own ancestor, and every man his own heir. He devises his own future, and he inherits his own past.
-- H.F. Hedge

Every man...should periodically be compelled to listen to opinions which are infuriating to him. To hear nothing but what is pleasing to one is to make a pillow of the mind.
-- St. John Ervine

Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it go at that.
-- Sir James Barrie

Every minute was more exciting than the next.
-- Linda Evans

Every morning, in your first view of the day, you have the choice to say, 'Good morning, God' or 'Good God, morning.'
-- Wayne Dyer

Every nation has the government it deserves.
-- Joseph de Maistre

Every nation sincerely desires peace; and all nations pursue courses which if persisted in, must make peace impossible.
-- Sir Norman Angell

Everyone has ancestors and it is only a question of going back far enough to find a good one.
-- Howard Kenneth Nixon

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow that talent to the dark place where it leads.
-- Erica Jong

Everyone is a consumer of culture today. We have a plethora of projects to "popularize" the arts. But the public worships celebrity, not art.
-- Eugene Istomin

Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion.
-- Harlan Ellison

Everyone on the Commission assumes that 9/11 resulted from a lack of government action. No one in Washington has raised the question of whether our shortcomings, brought to light by 9/11, could have been a result of too much government.
-- Ron Paul

Everyone thinks sharks are dangerous, but fewer than 3,000 people have been killed or seriously injured by a shark. That's 5% of the number of Americans injured by toilets in 1997 alone.
-- John Lloyd

Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.
-- Cary Grant

Everyone wishes to have truth on his side, but not everyone wishes to be on the side of truth.
-- Richard Whately

Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.
-- Morris Kline

Every parent is at some time the father of the unreturned prodigal, with nothing to do but keep his house open to hope.
-- John Ciardi

Every person is the architect of his own fortune.
-- Vickey's Fortune Cookie

Every political good carried to the extreme must be productive of evil.
-- Mary Wollstonecraft

Every procedure for getting a cat to take a pill works fine -- once. Like the Borg, they learn...
-- Terry Pratchett

Every relationship ends, until maybe you find one that lasts forever.
-- Penelope Cruz

Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy.
-- Franz Kafka

Every single progressive education fad of the past thirty years has hurt poor black children.
-- Shelby Steele

Every so often, we pass laws repealing human nature.
-- Howard Lindsay

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given situation, even if only for a few seconds.
-- Victor Frankl

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
-- Jean Paul Sartre

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
-- Alexander Woollcott

Everything in Rome has its price.
-- Juvenal

Everything that is done in the world is done by hope. No husbandman would sow a grain of corn if he hoped not it would grow up and become seed... Or tradesman would set himself to work if he did not hope to reap benefit thereby.
-- Martin Luther

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
-- Bill Maher

Everything they teach in school is oriented so that they can test it to show that you know it, instead of taking note of the obvious, which is that people learn by doing what people want to do.
-- Roger Schank

Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
-- Erwin Knoll

Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller

Every time I "get with the program" somebody changes the channel.
-- Lynn Johnston

Every time I look at a Yankees hat I see a swastika tilted just a little off kilter.
-- Bill Lee

Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
-- Oscar Levant

Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, 'I'm sorry. What'd you say your name was again?'
-- Margaret Maron

[E]very time you think the entertainment moguls have hit rock bottom, they reach for the jackhammer and rat-a-tat-tat a little deeper.
-- Ellen Goodman

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
-- Flannery O'Connor

Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident.

Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-- Ellyn Mustard

Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead know it not.
-- Xenophon

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.
-- Don Wilder

Exercise is the yuppie version of bulimia.
-- Barbara Ehrenreich

Existence is a strange bargain. Life owes us little; we owe it everything. The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose.
-- William Cowper

Expectations are the thief of God's blessings.
-- Constance M. Hardy

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
-- Dennis Wholey

Experience is a comb that life gives you after you lose your hair.
-- Judith Stern

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards.
-- Vernon Saunders Law

Experience is the accumulation of your mistakes, and I certainly have a lot of experience.
-- Carlos Tosca

Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
-- Clifton Fadiman

"Experts," whose careers and celebrity status depend upon the existence of a problem, can write about the problem, consult about it, and speak about it on talk shows -- they can do everything but solve the problem.
-- Robert L. Woodson, Sr.

Expert victimologists estimate that 91.2 percent of people in North America and Europe now qualify as victims, at least in their own minds.
-- John Leo

Expressing anger is a form of public littering.
-- Willard Gaylin

Extremists think 'communication' means agreeing with them.
-- Leo Rosten

Face it America. There will be more terrorist strikes against the homeland, not because our government is incompetent, but because evil is relentless.
-- David Thibault

Face the facts, all these environmental organizations are thirty, forty, fifty years old. They have big buildings, big obligations, big staffs. They may trade on their youthful dreams, but the truth is, they're now part of the establishment. And the establishment works to preserve the status quo. It just does.
-- Michael Crichton

Facts are meaningless; you can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! Facts, schmacks.
-- Homer Simpson

Fact that is fact every day is not news; it's truth. We report news, not truth.
-- Linda Ellerbee

Failing organizations are usually over managed and under led.
-- Warren Bennis

Failure is a part of success. There is no such thing as a bed of roses all your life. But failure will never stand in the way of success if you learn from it.
-- Hank Aaron

Failure seldom stops you; what stops you is the fear of failure.
-- Jack Lemmon

Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success.
-- Charles F. Kettering

Faith is not making religious-sounding noises in the daytime. It is asking your inmost self questions at night -- and then getting up and going to work.
-- Mary Jean Irion

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.

Fame is vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wings. Only one thing endures and that is character.
-- Horace Greeley

Fame usually comes to those who are thinking about something else.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Familiar acts are beautiful through love.
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Family life is too intimate to be preserved by the spirit of justice. It can be sustained by a spirit of love which goes beyond justice.
-- Reinhold Niebuhr

Fancies may be as you please but facts are as the Universe pleases.
-- Robert Kaplan

Fans don't boo nobodies.
-- Reggie Jackson

Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels.
-- Goya

Far from advocating a "minimal state", we find it unquestionable that in an advanced society government ought to use its power of raising funds by taxation to provide a number of services which for various reasons cannot be provided or cannot be provided adequately by the market.
-- Friedrich Hayek

Fashion can be bought, style one must possess.
-- Edna Woolman Chase

Fashion, which elevates the bad to the level of the good, subsequently turns its back on bad and good alike.
-- Eric Bentley

Father expected a good deal of God. He didn't actually accuse God of inefficiency, but when he prayed his tone was loud and angry, like that of a dissatisfied guest in a carelessly managed hotel.
-- Clarence Day

Fatherhood, like marriage, is a constant struggle against your limitations and self-interests. But the urge to be a perfect father is there, because your child is a perfect gift.
-- Kent Nerburn

Father's Day is like Mother's Day except the gift is cheaper.
-- Colin Bowles

FBI laboratory scientists said Sunday they have determined that the anthrax mailed to Senate offices last fall was fresh. They say it's only two years old. If the stuff is two years old and it's still fresh, it's not anthrax, it's Velveeta.
-- Argus Hamilton

Fear is static that prevents me from hearing my intuition.
-- Hugh Prather

Fervid atheism is usually a screen for repressed religion.
-- Wilhelm Stekel

Few men desire liberty; most men wish only for a just master.
-- Sallust

Few tasks are more like the torture of Sisyphus than housework, with its endless repetition: the clean becomes soiled, the soiled is made clean, over and over, day after day.
-- Simone de Beauvoir

Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him.
-- Booker T. Washington

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
-- Ivana Trump

Fifty-one percent of a nation can establish a totalitarian regime, suppress minorities and still remain democratic.
-- Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn

Figures won't lie, but liars will figure.
-- Charles H. Grosvenor

Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.
-- Imelda Marcos

Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.
-- Katherine Whitehorn

Fire is a natural symbol of life and passion, though it is the one element in which nothing can actually live.
-- Susanne K. Langer

Firing people can give you a pretty good buzz, but it's a poor, poor substitute for killing. I realize that now.
-- Dale Gribble

First and foremost, the purpose of a business is not to provide jobs, but rather to produce goods and services. If the purpose of a company were to create jobs, then I would form the Wolfram Canal Digging Company, hire thousands of people, give them spoons, and dig a canal across the state of Michigan.
-- Dr. Gary L. Wolfram

First, learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.
-- Epictetus

First the man takes a drink; then the drink takes a drink; then the drink takes the man.
-- Japanese Proverb

Fish deserve to be caught for they are lazy. Two million years of evolution and they still haven't got out of the water.
-- Simon Munnery

Fishing seems to be divided, like sex, into three unequal parts: anticipation and recollection and, in between, actual performance.
-- Arnold Gingrich

Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
-- Jimmy Cannon

Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled "The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's "The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and Irish Political History".

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you.
-- William Arthur Ward

Flattery is never so agreeable as to our blind side; commend a fool for his wit, or a knave for his honesty, and they will receive you into their bosom.
-- Henry Fielding

Flattery looks like friendship, just like a wolf looks like a dog.

Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
-- Walt Kelly

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
-- Cathy Guisewite

Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable.
-- Tom Landry

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
-- Alice Kahn

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin, real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.
-- Alfred D'Souza

For best results, avoid doing stupid things.
-- Acme Klein Bottle, Inc.

For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.
-- Gore Vidal

For decades, free nations tolerated oppression in the Middle East for the sake of stability. In practice, this approach brought little stability and much oppression, so I have changed this policy.
-- George W. Bush

FOREIGN AID, n. Transferring money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Peter Bauer

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
-- Bob Wells

For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap.
-- Richard Cobden

For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty people who don't want to learn -- much.
-- W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman

For five years in the minor leagues, I wore the same underwear and still hit .250, so no, I don't believe in that stuff.
-- Dusty Baker

Forget injuries; never forget kindness.
-- Confucius

Forget your mistakes, but remember what they taught you.
-- Dorothy Galyean

For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
-- Sir Thomas More

Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.
-- Thomas Szasz

For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
-- Clifton Fadiman

Formula for success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.
-- J. Paul Getty

For purposes of paragraph (3), an organization described in paragraph (2) shall be deemed to include an organization described in section 501(c)(4), (5) or (6) which would be described in paragraph (2) if it were an organization described in section 501(c)(3).
-- Internal Revenue Code 26 U.S.C. 509(a)

For roughly speaking, all that we are saying when we say that the mental state of a person A at a time t is a state of awareness of the material thing X, is that the sense-experience which is the element of A occurring at the time t contains a sense-content which is an element of X, and also certain images define A's expectation of the occurrence in suitable circumstances of certain further elements of X, and that this expectation is correct: and what we are saying when we assert that a mental object M and a physical object X are causally connected is that, in certain conditions, the occurrence of a certain sort of sense-content, which is an element of M, is a reliable sign of the occurrence of a certain sort of sense-content, which is an element of X, or vice-versa.
-- A.J. Ayer

For solitude sometimes is best society.
-- John Milton

For that's what a woman, a mother wants -- to teach her children to take an interest in life. She knows it's safer for them to be interested in other people's happiness than to believe in their own.
-- Marguerite Duras

For the first time, the weird and the stupid and the coarse are becoming our cultural norms, even our cultural ideal.
-- Carl Bernstein

For the man who has everything... Penicillin.
-- F. Borquin

For they conquer who believe they can.
-- John Dryden

Fortunately for themselves and for the world, nearly all men are cowards and dare not act on what they believe. Nearly all our disasters come of a few fools having the "courage of their convictions."
-- Coventry Patmore

Fortune befriends the bold.
-- John Dryden

Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.
-- Suzanne Necker

For what is a poem but a hazardous attempt at self-understanding: it is the deepest part of autobiography.
-- Robert Penn Warren

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
-- Justin Richardson

Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors.
-- Lord Thomas Dewar

Freedom comes only from seeing the ignorance of your critics and discovering the emptiness of their virtue.
-- David Seabury

Freedom is hammered out on the anvil of discussion, dissent, and debate.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Freedom is heavy. You got to put your shoulder to freedom. Put your shoulder to it and hope your back holds up.
-- August Wilson

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
-- John G. Diefenbaker

Freedom is the right to choose the habits that bind you.
-- Renate Rubinstein

Freedom is when the people can speak, democracy is when the government listens.
-- Alastair Farrugia

Freedom of press didn’t invent democracy; democracy allowed freedom of the press to flourish. We need to defend democracy.
-- Roger Ailes

Freedom of the press in Britain is freedom to print such of the proprietor's prejudices as the advertiser's won't object to.
-- Helen Swaffer

Freedom without obligation is anarchy. Freedom with obligation is democracy.
-- Earl Riney

Free love is too expensive.
-- Bernadette Devlin

Free speech is not to be regulated like diseased cattle and impure butter. The audience that hissed yesterday may applaud today, even for the same performance.
-- William O. Douglas

Freud is the father of psychoanalysis. It has no mother.
-- Germaine Greer

Friends aren't jumper cables. You don't throw them into the trunk and pull them out for emergencies.
-- Charlie Krueger

Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.
-- Ed Cunningham

Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.
-- Laurie Colwin

Friends, if we be honest with ourselves, we shall be honest with each other.
-- George MacDonald

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-- Thomas Jones

From birth to 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash. I'm saving my money.
-- Sophie Tucker

From Caesar to Cromwell, and from Cromwell to Napolean ... history presents the same solemn warning -- beware of elevating to the highest civil trust the commander of our victorious armies.
-- James Buchanan

From fanaticism to barbarism is only one step.
-- Denis Diderot

From my courtside seat, I'm out of control. I'm proud of my acting in many movies, but I think some of my best performances have been on behalf of the Lakers. I remember the Finals in 1985 against Boston. In one game, Larry Bird caught the ball and his foot was over the line. He was right by my seat. I saw it with my own eyes. The ref didn't call it so I went nuts. I started yelling at him, I said, "What an awful call! Didn't you see his foot? It was over the line! What a terrible call! Awful!" The ref looked at me and calmly said, "I've seen all your movies Dyan and they weren't all good ones."
-- Dyan Cannon

From the equality of rights springs identity of our highest interests; you cannot subvert your neighbor's rights without striking a dangerous blow at your own.
-- Carl Schurz

From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.
-- John Madden

Gaylord (Perry) is a very honorable man. He only calls for the spitter when he needs it.
-- Gabe Paul

Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories.
-- Felix Cohen

Genius does what it must, and talent does what it can.
-- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Genius is nothing but continued attention.
-- Claude Adrien Helvétius

Gentlemen of generous proportions should eschew horizontal stripes.
-- Esquire Magazine

George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles.

Germans could not get over the perfidy of it. It was unbelievable that the English, having degenerated to the stage where suffragettes heckled the Prime Minister and defied the police, were going to fight.
-- Barbara Tuchman (re the summer of 1914)

Get all the education you can, then add the learning.
-- Jack Miner

Getting married in America is like doing business in Russia. Everything is up for grabs, everything is constantly renegotiated, and nobody has to keep their word. I think that makes for a lot of unhappy marriages, even though no-fault was supposed to take care of that.
-- John Crouch

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
-- Minnie Pearl

Gettin' jiggy wit it is, like, the next level of cool. It's cool to the eighth power. Some people are fly, some people are kind of hot. But when you are the jiggiest, when you exude jiggy-essence, it's the acme of cool.
-- Will Smith

Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour.
Teach a man to brew and he wastes a lifetime.

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
-- Zenna Schaffer

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-- Mae West

Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself.
-- Erasmus

Give me a break -- They say taxes are inevitable, like death. At least death doesn't come every year.
-- John Stossel

Give me beefsteak when I'm hungry,
And whiskey when I'm dry,
A good looking woman when I'm living,
And heaven when I die.
-- James "Son" Thomas

Give me the ready hand rather than the ready tongue.
-- Giuseppe Garibaldi

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can't change, and a great big bag of money.
-- Jack Handey

Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer. The chances are he will not use it wisely.
-- Bette-Jane Raphael

Giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets.
-- Milton Zelman

God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.
-- Jewish Proverb

God created the Universe in order to hear music, and everything has a song of praise for God.
-- Louis Ginsberg

God does not pay at the end of every week, but He pays.
-- Kassia

God don't make no mistakes -- that's how he got to be God.
-- Archie Bunker

God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak.
-- Arab Proverb

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
-- Robin Williams

God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December.
-- Sir James Barrie

God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.
-- Donna Summer

God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her.
-- Benjamin Tillett

God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant, the ant. He has no style. He just goes on trying other things.
-- Pablo Picasso

God made time, but man made haste.
-- Irish Proverb

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
-- Sir William Bragg

God sat at the organ of possibilities and improvised the world. Poor creatures that we are, we men can only hear the vox humana. If that is so beautiful, how glorious the Whole must be.
-- Carl Ludwig Schleich

God so loved mankind that he didn't send a committee.
-- Bill Archer

God, whom you doubtless remember as that quaint old subordinate of General Douglas MacArthur...
-- S. J. Perelman

God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis.
-- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister

Going to Vanderbilt did a lot of things for me, and one of the things it cured me of was the need to follow college football.
-- Roy Blount, Jr.

[G]oing to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind.
-- Jed Babbin

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
-- John Updike

Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun. If you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.
-- Arnold Daly

Good actors are good because of the things they can tell us without talking. When they are talking, they are the servants of the dramatist. It is what they can show the audience when they are not talking that reveals the fine actor.
-- Cedrick Hardwicke

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.
-- Thomas Gold Appleton

Good art is not what it looks like, but what it does to us.
-- Roy Azdak

Good can exist without evil, whereas evil cannot exist without good.
-- St. Thomas Aquinas

Good clothes open many doors. Go shopping.
-- Lee's Fortune Cookie

Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders.
-- Frank Herbert

Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know? One who doesn't try cannot fail and become wise.
-- William Saroyan

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
-- Plato

Good taste and humor are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.
-- Malcolm Muggeridge

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
-- Gail Godwin

Good works do not make a good man, but a good man does good works. Bad works do not make a bad man, but a bad man does bad works.
-- Martin Luther

Go on, get out -- last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
-- Karl Marx (Last words)

Gossip needn't be false to be evil -- there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.
-- Frank A. Clark

Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 1-800-AUDITME

Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
-- Tom Wicker

Government is generally a zero-sum game: Politicians can't pay Paul except by robbing Peter.
-- Steve Chapman

Governments last as long as the undertaxed can defend themselves from the overtaxed.
-- Bernard Berenson

Governments will always misuse the machinery of the law as far as the state of public opinion permits.
-- Emile Capouya

Grab a chance and you won't be sorry for a might have been.
-- Arthur Ransome

Grandpa, I hope I am in your will because I would hate to see what happens to grandma if I feel cheated.
-- Dan Cummings

Great fiction can often present moral messages with greater power and clarity than instructional writing -- since literature, after all, penetrates not just the intellect, but the imagination.
-- Chuck Colson

Great innovators and original thinkers and artists attract the wrath of mediocrities as lightning rods draw the flashes.
-- Theodor Reik

Great leaders are willing to retire unloved and unpopular as the price for great exertion.
-- Charles Krauthammer

Great literature is simply language charged with meaning to the utmost possible degree.
-- Ezra Pound

Great massacres may be commanded by tyrants, but they are imposed by people.
-- H.R. Trevor-Roper

Great men help dazzle the people; after that, they dazzle themselves even more dangerously.
-- Cardinal de Retz

Great men talk about ideas;
Mediocre men talk about things;
Small men talk about people.
-- Admiral Hyman Rickover

Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.
-- Washington Irving

Great mischief comes from attempts to steady other people's altars.
-- Mary Baker Eddy

Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.
-- Vincent van Gogh

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.
-- Anthony Powell

Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.
-- Edward Abbey

Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are ruined.
-- Patrick Henry

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
-- Lenny Bruce

HACKER, n. A master byter

Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
-- Gore Vidal

Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them.
-- Martin Henry Fischer

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half.
-- John Wannamaker

Half the things that people do not succeed in are through fear of making the attempt.
-- James Northcote

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
-- Elias Root Beadle

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
-- Walter Kerr

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
-- Danny Ozark

Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is.
-- Maxim Gorky

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
-- Ogden Nash

Happiness is not a goal, it is a by-product.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
-- Oscar Levant

Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.
-- Frank Baer

Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor memory.
-- Albert Schweitzer

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it.
-- Lord Mancroft

Happy people plan actions, they don't plan results.
-- Dennis Wholey

Hard training, easy combat; easy training, hard combat
-- Marshal Suvorov

Hard work without talent is a shame, but talent without hard work is a tragedy.
-- Robert Half

Hard writing makes easy reading. Easy writing makes hard reading.
-- William Zinsser

Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps and ten percent playing out of tune.
-- Igor Stravinsky

Has anyone written 'Dummies for Dummies' yet?
-- Andy Serwer

Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.
-- Harry Emerson Forsdick

Have confidence that if you have done a little thing well, you can do a bigger thing well, too.
-- Joseph Storey

Have no fear of perfection. You'll never reach it.
-- Salvador Dali

Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.
-- William Morris

Have patience awhile; slanders are not long-lived. Truth is the child of time; ere long she shall appear to vindicate thee.
-- Immanuel Kant

Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.
-- Sydney Smith

Have the courage to say no.
Have the courage to face the truth.
Do the right thing because it is right.
These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.
-- W. Clement Stone

Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?

Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
-- Carol Burnett

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
-- Martin Mull

Having no talent is no longer enough.
-- Gore Vidal

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes.
-- John Le Carre

Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
-- Dan Quayle

Hay smells different to lovers and horses.
-- Stanislaw Lem

HBO exists because people must have a place to say "f***" on television as many times as they can.
-- Tom Snyder

He advocated thrift and hard work and disapproved of loose women who turned him down.
-- Joseph Heller

Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus?
Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

He can take his'n and beat your'n, then he can take your'n and beat his'n.
-- Bum Phillips (on Don Shula)

He doesn't say I directly told him anything. He says that, you know, the fact that I expressed concern had an impact on him. (But) the mere expression of concern could be, I guess, taken to mean something more than it was meant.
-- Hillary Clinton, regarding the fired White House staff

He don't phrase me.
-- Joe Frazier (Before his first fight with Muhammad Ali)

He fakes a bluff.
-- Ron Fairly, Baseball Announcer

He fell in love with himself at first sight, and it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful. Self-love seems so often unrequited.
-- Anthony Powell

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
-- Joseph Heller

He had delusions of adequacy.
-- Walter Kerr

He had observed that people who did lie were, on the whole, more resourceful and ambitious and successful than people who did not lie.
-- Joseph Heller

He had the uneasy manner of a man who is not among his own kind, and who has not seen enough of the world to feel that all people are in some sense his own kind.
-- Willa Cather

He had two speeds -- not interested and completely interested.
-- John Wheeler (About Niels Bohr)

He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.
-- Sam Houston

He has no hope who never had a fear.
-- William Cowper

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.
-- David Lloyd George

He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
-- John Le Carre

He is a self-made man, and worships his creator.
-- John Bright

Heisenburg probably rules.

He is free who knows how to keep in his own hand the power to decide, at each step, the course of his life, and who lives in a society which does not block the exercise of that power.
-- Salvador de Madariaga

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
-- Charles Lamb

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
-- H.H. Munro

He is richest who is content with least.
-- Socrates

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
-- Paul Keating

He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.
-- Henry James

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Hell is the place where one has ceased to hope.
-- A.J. Cronin

He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
-- Ring Lardner

Helplessness induces hopelessness, and history attests that loss of hope and not loss of lives is what decides the issue of war
-- B.H. Liddell Hart

Help your brother's boat across and your own will reach the shore.
-- Hindu Proverb

He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
-- Andrew Lang

He not busy being born is busy dying.
-- Bob Dylan

He, O men, is wisest of you all who has learned, like Socrates, that his wisdom is worth nothing.
-- Plato

Here is an animal with a hide two feet think and no apparent interest in politics. What a waste.
-- James C. Wright, Jr., regarding the rhinoceros

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.
-- Richard Bach

Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping.
-- Cecil Adams (On Dungeons & Dragons)

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
-- Abbie Hoffman

Hero worship is strongest where there is least regard for human freedom.
-- Herbert Spencer

Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
A taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
-- W.S. Gilbert

He's been very talkative. But it is usually under oath.
-- Sandy Alderson (On Albert Belle)

He serves his party best who serves his country best.
-- Rutherford B. Hayes

He's no failure. He's not dead yet.
-- William Lloyd George

He speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual too.
-- Don King (describing Julio Cesar Chavez)

He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.

He's the only guy I know whom Dale Carnegie would hit in the mouth.
-- Bill Veeck

He talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read 'Playboy' magazine with your wife turning the pages.
-- Barry Goldwater (on Hubert Humphrey)

He that loseth wealth, loseth much; he that loseth friends, loseth more; but he that loseth his spirit loseth all.
-- Spanish Proverb

He that never changes his opinions, never corrects his mistakes, and will never be wiser on the morrow than he is today.
-- Tryon Edwards

He that shuts love out, in turn shall be
Shut out from love, and on her threshold lie
Howling in the outer darkness.
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

He, therefore, who desires peace should prepare for war. He who aspires to victory should spare no pains to form his soldiers. And he who hopes for success should fight on principle, not chance.
-- Vegetius

He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact.
-- Giles

He was a gentleman who was generally spoken of as having nothing a-year, paid quarterly.
-- R.S. Surtees

He was a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.
-- Josepth Heller

He was a writer who drank, not, as so many have believed, a drunk who wrote.
-- James Lundquist (on Sinclair Lewis)

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.
-- Charles Kingsley

He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.
-- Chinese Proverb

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.
-- George Herbert

He who chooses the beginning of a road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determine the end.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.
-- Simon Munnery

He who does not bellow out the truth when he knows the truth makes himself the accomplice of liars and forgers.
-- Charles Pierre Péguy

He who has been bitten by a snake fears a piece of string.
-- Persian Proverb

He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.

He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die.
-- Giacomo Leopardi

He who knows others is clever; he who knows himself is enlightened.
-- Lao Tsu

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
-- Lao Tsu

He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.
-- Terry Cohen

He who limps still walks.
-- Stanislaw Lem

He who lives only to benefit himself confers on the world a benefit when he dies.
-- Tertullian

He who mounts a wild elephant goes where the wild elephant goes.
-- Randolf Bourne

He who neglects to drink at the spring of experience is likely to die of thirst in the desert of experience.
-- Ling Po

He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have.
-- Don Juan Manuel

He who reigns within himself and rules his passions, desires, and fears is more than a king.
-- John Milton

He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.
-- Harold Wilson

He who sacrifices his conscience to ambition burns a picture to obtain the ashes.
-- Chinese Proverb

He who speaks the truth should have one foot in the stirrup.
-- Hindu Proverb

He who stops being better stops being good.
-- Oliver Cromwell

He who strikes terror into others is himself in continual fear.
-- Claudian

He who surpasses or subdues mankind, must look down on the hate of those below.
-- Lord Byron

He who talks much cannot talk well.
-- Carlo Goldoni

He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.
-- Raymond Hull

He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.
-- William Drummond

He who wishes to secure the good of others has already secured his own.
-- Confucius

He who would do some great things in this short life must apply himself to work with such a force as, to idle spectators who live only to amuse themselves, looks like insanity.
-- Francis Parkman

Hey, Twinky, want to see if there's an afterlife?
-- Moe, Calvin and Hobbes

High aims form high characters, and great objects bring out great minds.
-- Tryon Edwards

Hijackers should be given a rapid trial... with due process of law at the airport, then hanged.
-- Edward Davis, LA Police Chief

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
-- Billy Wilder

His ignorance is encyclopedic.
-- Abba Eban

His Majesty does not know what the band has just played, but it is never to be played again.
-- King George V (on Richard Strauss' "Elektra")

History fails to record a single precedent in which nations subject to moral decay have not passed into political and economic decline. There has been either a spiritual awakening to overcome the moral lapse, or a progressive deterioration leading to ultimate national disaster.
-- General Douglas MacArthur

History is a people's memory, and without a memory, man is demoted to the lower animals.
-- Malcolm X

History is littered with the wars which everybody knew would never happen.
-- Enoch Powell

History is not another name for the past, as many people imply. It is the name for stories about the past.
-- A.J.P. Taylor

History is on every occasion the record of that which one age finds worthy of note in another.
-- Jakob Burkhardt

[H]istory is seen in a rear-view mirror while the future is the dark, foggy road ahead, filled with unknown trouble.
-- Alan Caruba

History never looks like history when you are living through it. It always looks confusing and messy, and it always feels uncomfortable.
-- John W. Gardner

History repeats itself and History never repeats itself are about equally true.
-- G.M. Trevelyn

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.
-- Philip Guedalla

History teaches us that when a barbarian race confronts a sleeping culture, the barbarian always wins.
-- Arnold Toynbee

Hitting on lesbians is a lot like hitting golf balls at a driving range. It's good practice and there's no pressure.
-- Lord Carrett

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
-- Douglas Hofstadter

Hola, Hispanic citizens. I warn you that if elected, Mr. Kerry's wife will require him to change the name of your biggest holiday to Cinco de Ketchup.
-- Michael Cunningham

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.
-- Langston Hughes

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.
-- Gotama Buddha

Holding on to resentment is like eating rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.
-- Anne Lamott

Holland . . . lies so low they're only saved by being dammed.
-- Thomas Hood

Hollywood doesn't believe in the death penalty for anyone except people who get cable TV without paying for it.

Hollywood is like being nowhere and talking to nobody about nothing.
-- Michaelangelo Antonioni

Hollywood... Real diamonds, fake breasts.
-- Nathan Lane

HONEYMOON, n. A short period of doting between dating and debting.
-- Ray C. Bandy

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
-- Vaclav Havel

Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
-- Vaclav Havel

Hope... is the companion of power, and the mother of success; for who hopes strongly, has within him the gift of miracles.
-- Samuel Smiles

Hopes are but the dreams of those who wake.
-- Pindar

Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
-- Jack Benny

Hospital rooms seem to have vastly more ceiling than any rooms people live in.
-- Bertha Damon

Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.
-- Marcelene Cox

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward.
-- Spanish Proverb

How can a guy win a game if you don't give him any runs?
-- Bo Belinsky (After a 15-0 loss)

How come Democrats do not emigrate to Cuba to live under the form of government that they consider ideal?
-- Norman Liebmann

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.
-- George Washington Carver

How happy is he born and taught
The serveth not another's will;
Whose armour is his utmost thought,
And simple truth his utmost skill!
-- Sir Henry Wotton

How little do they see what is, who frame their hasty judgments upon that which seems.
-- Robert Southey

How long did it take six men to build a wall if three of them took a week? I recall that we spent almost as much time on this problem as the men spent on the wall.
-- Gerald Durrell

'How long does this getting thin take?' Pooh asked anxiously.
-- A.A. Milne

How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.
-- Coco Chanel

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
-- Judy Tenuta

"How many people work here?"
"Oh, about half."

How often we fail to realize our good fortune in living in a country where happiness is more than a lack of tragedy.
-- Paul Sweeney

How then are we to judge Stalin? Viewed in the full historical context Stalin appears as one of the most impressive figures of the twentieth century.
-- Theodore Von Laue

How well I have learned that there is no fence to sit on between heaven and hell. There is a deep, wide gulf, a chasm, and in that chasm is no place for any man.
-- Johnny Cash

How wise are thy commandments, Lord. Each of them applies to somebody I know.
-- Sam Levenson

HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to.
-- quoted in the Albuquerque Journal

Hugs aren't like pieces of pie. Plenty of hugs to go around.
-- Bernie Mac

Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.
-- Laurens van der Post

Humanity is composed but of two categories, the invalids and the nurses.
-- Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Humankind is designed for exercise and not rest -- hence the legs located below the torso. If designed for rest, we would at best have castors.
-- Arthur Stewart

Human nature will never part with power. Look for an example of a voluntary relinquishment of power from one end of the globe to another -- you will find none.
-- Patrick Henry

Human reason can neither predict nor deliberately shape its own future. Its advances consist in finding out where it has been wrong.

Humble, that's me... Mr. Modesty. When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest.
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose

Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.
-- Rick Warren

Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
-- Dick Clark

Humor is a rubber sword -- it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
-- Mary Hirsch

Hundreds Hurt During Annual Stone-throwing Festival
-- Pennsylvania news headline

Hypocrisy is better than no standards at all.
--Bill Bennett

I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.
-- Bob Dylan

All television is children's television.
-- Richard P. Adler

I always advise people never to give advice.
-- P.G. Wodehouse

I always ask my atheist friends, "If you think religion is so stupid, would you

I always feel a genuine bond whenever I see Senator Clinton. She's the only person who's the center of more conspiracy theories than I am.
-- Dick Cheney

I always get along fine with my women, as soon as they recognize that I am God.
-- John Derek

I always get back to the question, is it really necessary that men should consume so much of their bodily and mental energies in the machinery of civilized life? The world seems to me to do much of its toil for that which is not in any sense bread. Again, does not the latent feeling that much of their striving is to no purpose tend to infuse large quantities of sham into men's work?
-- William Allingham

I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear.
-- Mick Ronson (on Bob Dylan)

I always thought that my canine family tended to view me as the funny-looking two-legged dog who runs the can opener.
-- Roger Caras

I always wait until a jury has spoken before I anticipate what they will do.
-- Janet Reno

I always wake up at the crack of ice.
-- Joe E. Lewis

I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.
-- W.S. Gilbert

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
-- Ogden Nash

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it.
-- Pablo Picasso

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
-- Everett Dirksen

I am a man of no convictions -- at least I think I am.
-- Christopher Hampton

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.
-- Jasper Carrott

I am an aristocrat. I love liberty; I hate equality.
-- John Randolph

I am convinced that if most members of Congress did their own taxes, we would have had tax reform long ago.
-- Bill Archer

I am deeply superficial.
-- Ava Gardner

I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
-- Katharine Whitehorn

I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore -- that is Maryland.
-- William Schaefer

I am ill at ease with people whose lives are an open book.
-- Ivy Compton-Burnett

I am more and more convinced that man is a dangerous creature; and that power, whether vested in many or a few, is ever grasping, and, like the grave, cries, "Give, give!" The great fish swallow up the small; and he who is most strenuous for the rights of the people, when vested with power, is as eager after the prerogatives of government.
-- Abigail Adams

I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.
-- Nicholas Cage

I am philosophically opposed to any fare increase. That does not mean I will not support one.
-- Joseph Alexander, Fairfax County (VA) supervisor

I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, more vengeance, more desolation. War is hell.
-- William Tecumseh Sherman

I am very interested in the Universe -- I am specializing in the Universe and all that surrounds it.
-- Peter Cook

I am what time, circumstance, history, have made of me, certainly, but I am also, much more than that. So are we all.
-- James Baldwin

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner

I believe everyone thinks they can write. This is not true. It is true, however, that everyone can direct.
-- Chuck Lorre, TV producer

I believe I've found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us.
-- Konrad Lorenz

I believe only foreigners should run for president...Face it, the presidency is a lousy job. And who does lousy jobs we don't want anymore better than foreigners?
-- Bill Maher

I believe sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
-- Steve Martin

I believe that all wisdom consists in caring immensely for a few right things, and not caring a straw about the rest.
-- John Buchan

I believe that if you can't find anything nice to say about people whom you've helped make wildly successful and then they stabbed you in the back, then don't say anything at all.
-- Chuck Lorre, TV producer

I believe the present situation clearly indicates that in the second quarter we're going to be in a posture where gas rationing may well be a reality.
-- Howard Baker (1976)

I believe you can divide the people in to two basic groups, those who believe government is a necessary good and those who believe it is a necessary evil, those who want government to take care of them, those who want government to leave them alone.
-- Lyn Nofziger

I belong to Bridgegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me.
-- Dick Martin

I bet General Motors is pissed off about the release of [Viagra]. Now that old men can get erections again, what will happen to the market for red Corvettes?
-- Carlos Alvarez

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'
-- Jack Handey

I blame Al-Jazeera -- they are marketing for the Americans!
-- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
-- Lewis Grizzard

I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes.
-- Michael Faraday

I can calculate the motions of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.
-- Isaac Newton

I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.
-- Abraham Maslow

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is -- try to please everybody.
-- Herbert Bayard Swope

I cannot spare the luxury of believing that all things beautiful are what they seem.
-- Fitz-Greene Halleck

I can picture a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
-- Jane Wagner

I can't help feeling wary when I hear anything said about the masses. First you take their faces from 'em, calling them the masses, and then you accuse 'em of not having any faces.
-- J.B. Priestley

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.
-- John D. Rockefeller

I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.
-- Daniel Boone

I can't take any more talk about bringing allies to the table. Which ones? Brazil? Mynmar? Microfrickin'nesia? Are there some incredibly important and powerful nations out there whose existence has hitherto escaped me? Fermany? Gerance? The Galactic Order of the Belgian Dominion? Did we piss off the Vulcans? Who? If we mean "France and Germany," then please explain to me why the reluctant participation of these two countries somehow bestows the magic kiss of legitimacy. They want in? Fine. They don't? Fine.
-- James Lileks

I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A.J. Liebling

Icelandic peoples were the ones who memorized sagas... We were the first rappers of Europe.
-- Bjork

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
-- Auguste Rodin (describing how he created his sculpture)

I come from a small town where the population never changes. Each time a woman gets pregnant someone leaves town.
-- Michael Pritchard

I come from Indiana, the home of more first-rate second-class men than any state in the union.
-- Thomas R. Marshall

I come from New York where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by your wallet.
-- Al McGuire

I could never play in New York. The first time I came into a game there, I got into the bullpen car and they told me to lock the doors.
-- Mike Flanagan

I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course.
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach

I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.
-- Peter Oakley

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I couldn't wait for success... so I went ahead without it.
-- Jonathan Winters

I cried over beauty. I cried over pain, and the other time I cried I felt nothing. I can't help it. I'm just a cliché of myself.
-- Keanu Reeves

I'd always rather be with people who loved me too little rather than with people who loved me too much.
-- Katherine Mansfield

Idealism, alas, does not protect one from ignorance, dogmatism, and foolishness.
-- Sidney Hook

Idealism without realism is impotent. Realism without idealism is immoral.
-- Richard M. Nixon

Ideals are the 'incentive payment' of practical men. The opportunity to strive for them is the currency that has enriched America through the centuries.
-- Robert E. Hannegan

I declare this thing open, whatever it is.
-- Prince Philip (Opening the Vancouver City Hall)

I definitely am going to take a course on time management... just as soon as I can work it into my schedule.
-- Louis Boone

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
-- Stephen Leacock

I did not fully understand the dread term 'terminal illness' until I saw Heathrow Airport for myself.
-- Dennis Potter

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.
-- Strange de Jim

I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee.
-- Drew Gooden (After being drafted by the Memphis Grizzlies and being asked if he would visit Graceland)

I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it. I want to make that very clear.
-- George Romney

I discovered in nature the non-utilitarian delights I sought in art. Both were a form of magic, both were a game of intricate enchantment and deception.
-- Vladimir Nabokov

I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
-- Kasper Gutman (Sidney Greenstreet) The Maltese Falcon

I divide all readers into two classes: those who read to remember and those who read to forget.
-- William Lyon Phelps

Idleness is an inlet to disorder, and makes way for licentiousness. People who have nothing to do are quickly tired of their own company.
-- Jeremy Collier

I do expose my body, but only because I think people should have something nice to look at.
-- Brigitte Nielsen

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
-- Galileo

I do not like the phrase: Never cross a bridge till you come to it. The world is owned by men who cross bridges on their imaginations miles and miles in advance of the procession.
-- Bruce Barton

I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to devote it to research in mathematics.
-- Sir Edmund Whittaker

I don't anticipate anything. I just show up for work and see what happens.
-- Mike McCurry

I don't believe in the very concept of "first thing in the morning." I'm a "third thing in the afternoon" fellow.
-- James Lileks

I don't care to be involved in the crash landing unless I can be in on the takeoff.
-- Harold Stassen

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
-- Jack Benny

I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
-- Katherine Cebrian

I don't even know what street Canada is on.
-- Al Capone

I don't fly any awards at the house. Any award you get is usually for something you've done in the past. And I like to keep looking forward.
-- Garth Brooks

I don't have any problem with Mao or Stalin or the Vietnamese leaders or certainly Fidel locking up people they see as dangerous. Because so often, dissidence has been used by the greater powers to undermine a people's revolution.
-- Lynne Stewart

I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whooa, I'm way too high."
-- Bruce Baum

I don't know if I can live on my income or not -- the government won't let me try it.
-- Bob Thaves

I don't know. I never smoked AstroTurf.
-- Tug McGraw, in answer to whether he prefers natural grass or AstroTurf

I don't know much about Americanism, but it's a damn good word with which to carry an election.
-- Warren G. Harding

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
-- Bruce Baum

I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.
-- Albert Schweitzer

I don't know why it is we are in such a hurry to get up when we fall down. You might think we would lie there and rest for a while.
-- Max Eastman

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
-- Bob Newhart

I don't like it when women call me a loser. I feel like I tried something ... so I'm not a loser, I'm a failure.
-- Henry Phillips

I don't like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and it isn't of much value. Life hasn't revealed its beauty to them.
-- Boris Pasternak

I don't like the subtle infiltration of 'something for nothing' philosophies into the very hearthstone of the American family. I believe that 'Thou shalt earn the bread by the sweat of thy face' was a benediction and not a penalty. Work is the zest of life; there is joy in its pursuit.
-- Branch Rickey

I don't mind arguing with myself. It's when I lose that it bothers me.
-- Richard Powers

I don't need time. What I need is a deadline.
-- Duke Ellington

I don't see why anyone should put me down for my job. I'm bright. I'm intelligent. I turn letters -- so what? I also talk. I talk on the show! People know my name on the show.
-- Vanna White

I don't tell the truth any more to those who can't make use of it. I tell it mostly to myself, because it always changes me.
-- Anaïs Nin

I don't think he has much of a future here because I plan on going to all the games.
-- John McKay, football coach (on his kicker)

I don't think I have a long enough attention span to be clinically depressed.
-- Fran Fruit

I don't think I'll travel anymore. Travel is nothing but an inconvenience. There is always enough trouble where you are.
-- Charles Bukowski

I don't think it does any harm just once in a while to acknowledge that the whole country isn't in flames, that there are people in the country besides politicians, entertainers, and criminals.
-- Charles Kuralt

I don't think of myself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good.
-- Oprah Winfrey

I don't throw a spitter, but I can teach you how to throw one since you asked.
-- Lew Burdette

I don't trust any bastard who doesn't drink. People who don't drink are afraid of revealing themselves.
-- Humphrey Bogart

I don't want people who want to dance, I want people who have to dance.
-- George Balanchine

I don't want to ever ever do something that isn't fun. Ever.
-- Jennifer Love Hewitt

I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.
-- Rogers Hornsby

I don't want to spend several months trying to convince people they're not as well off as they think they are.
-- Senator Fred Thompson, on why he did not run for President

I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me.
-- Simon Munnery

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-- Sam Kinison

I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed.
-- Robert Schuller

I'd rather be strongly wrong than weakly right.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

I'd rather die than be as fat as Marilyn Monroe.
-- Elizabeth Hurley

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-- Tom Waits

I'd rather she'd used me for sex. Using me for my mind really bothered me.
-- Carl Jacobs

I dream my painting, and then I paint my dream.
-- Vincent van Gogh

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I exercise every morning without fail. One eyelid goes up and the other follows.
-- Pete Postlethwaite

I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
-- Stephen Grellet

If a cat spoke, it would say things like "Hey, I don't see the PROBLEM here."
-- Roy Blount, Jr.

If a composer could state in words what being a composer means, he would no longer need to be a composer.
-- Ned Rorem

If a family in Milwaukee believes that their child should go to a Lutheran school that teaches creationism, that's okay with me because at least they'll learn to spell creationism.
-- Mayor John Norquist

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying'. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did'.
-- Jack Handey

If Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore were a self-styled artist who soaked his Ten Commandments monument in urine, he might have been allowed to keep it on display in the courthouse and gotten an NEA grant to boot.
-- W. James Antle III

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
-- Dan Quayle

If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.

If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?
-- Thomas H. Huxley

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they'd all be a lot more comfortable.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion.
-- William Baumol

If all were gentle and contented as sheep, all would be as feeble and helpless.
-- John Lancaster Spalding

[I]f a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass.
-- Thomas Reid

If a man is not talented enough to be a novelist, not smart enough to be a lawyer, and his hands are too shaky to perform operations, he becomes a journalist.
-- Norman Mailer

If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.
-- Albert Schweitzer

If a man's character is to be abused, say what you will, there's nobody like a relation to do the business.
-- William Makepeace Thackeray

If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.
-- Charles Darling

If American men are obsessed with money, American women are obsessed with weight. The men talk of gain, the women talk of loss, and I do not know which talk is the more boring.
-- Marya Mannes

If a playwright is funny, the English look for a serious message, and if he's serious, they look for a joke.
-- Sacha Guitry

If a problem is too difficult to solve, one cannot claim that it is solved by pointing at all the efforts made to solve it.
-- Hannes Alfvern

If a scientist were to cut his ear off, no one would take it as evidence of a heightened sensibility.
-- Sir Peter B. Medawar (on van Gogh)

If a song makes you tap your foot and you feel it down your back, you don't have to ask anybody if that's good music or not.
-- Miles Davis

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
-- Bill Lyon

If a window of opportunity appears, don't pull down the shade.
-- Tom Peters

If beauty is truth, why don't women go to the library to have their hair done?
-- Lily Tomlin

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.
-- Billy Connolly

If bribery is good enough for Congress, it's good enough for me.
-- Eddie Griffin

If by saying that all men are born equal, you mean that they are equally born, it is true, but true in no other sense; birth, talent, labor, virtue, and providence, are forever making differences.
-- Eugene Edwards

If cats could talk, they wouldn't.
-- Nan Porter

If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock.
-- Arthur Goldberg

If crime went down one hundred percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.
-- John Bowman, Washington D.C. Councilman

If dogs could talk, perhaps we'd find it just as hard to get along with them as we do with people.
-- Karel Capek

I feel my best when I'm happy.
-- Winona Ryder

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra

If everything's under control, you're going too slow.
-- Mario Andretti

If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
-- Bill Boquist

If God had an agent, the world wouldn't be built yet. It'd only be about Thursday.
-- Jerry Reynolds

If God had intended for them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.
-- Victoria Woods

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
-- David Daye

If honor be your clothing, the suit will last a lifetime; but if clothing be your honor, it will soon be worn threadbare.
-- William Arnot

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.
-- Spike Milligan

If I don't know I don't know, I think I know. If I don't know I know, I think I don't know.
-- R.D. Laing

I fight for what I believe. If you are not willing to stand up for what you believe, your beliefs are not strong enough.
-- Jesse Helms

If ignorance is bliss, how come there aren't more happy people?

If ignorance is bliss, this guy's life must be one long extended orgasm.
-- Steve Kangas

If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.
-- Frank Sinatra

If I had my life to live over again, I would have made it a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once a week.
-- Charles Darwin

If I had the choice of having a woman in my arms or shooting a bad guy on a horse, I'd take the horse. It's a lot more fun.
-- Kevin Costner

If I had to sum up in a word what makes a good manager, I'd say decisiveness. You can use the fanciest computers to gather the numbers, but in the end you have to set a timetable and act.
-- Lee Iacocca

If I have done any deed worthy of remembrance, that deed will be my monument. If not, no monument can preserve my memory.
-- Agesilaus II

If I have stepped on some people at times because I am at the top, it couldn't be helped. What should I do if someone gets hurt, retire?
-- Maria Callas

If I'm androgynous, I'd say I lean toward macho-androgynous.
-- John Travolta

If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?
-- Jerry Muscha

I find it bitterly ironic that the bulk of the money a medical-malpractice jury awarded to Terri [Schaivo] for use in making her better instead went into Mr. Felos's pocket to make her dead.
-- Wesley Smith

I find that a change of nuisances is as good as a vacation.
-- David Lloyd George

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it -- but we must sail and not drift, nor lie at anchor.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

I find the people [in Hollywood] take themselves so seriously and they don't understand my self-effacing ways. I say "Oh please, it's a terrible film and I'm awful in it," and they take me at my word. It's quite grotesque.
-- Hugh Grant

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.
-- George MacDonald

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.
-- Philip Sheridan

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
-- Bert Lantz

If it doesn't fit, force it.
-- Randall John

If it were not for the government, we would have nothing else to laugh at in France.
-- Nicholas Chamfort

If it were not for the reporters, I would tell you the truth.
-- Chester A. Arthur

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
-- George Gobol

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
-- Johnny Carson

If it weren't for the rocks in its bed, the stream would have no song.
-- Carl Perkins

If it were possible to make an accurate calculation of the evils which police regulations occasion, and of those which they prevent, the number of the former would, in all cases, exceed that of the latter.
-- Baron Wilhelm von Humboldt

If I wanted to doubt then I could doubt endlessly. But at some point a person has to stop questioning and act, and at that point you have to trust something to be true. You have to act as if something is true, and so you choose the thing you have the most reason to believe in, you have to live in the world that you have the most hope in.
-- Orson Scott Card

If I want to read S.J. Perelman's Chicken Inspector No. 23 for the third time instead of some anguished, politically correct saga of a girl growing up in a trailer park in Kingman, Arizona, with an alcoholic mother who makes her straighten her naturally curly hair and won't let her date a Navajo boy or pursue her goal of becoming (naturally) a writer, I will. And I will laugh like a lunatic while doing it.
-- Mel White

If I was a Jewish girl in Hitler's day, I would have become his girlfriend. After ten days in bed, he would come to my way of thinking.
-- Yoko Ono

If I was just normally intelligent, I could probably get away with it -- but I'm fiercely intelligent and that's threatening.
-- Sharon Stone

If I wasn't Bob Dylan, I'd probably think that Bob Dylan has a lot of answers myself.
-- Bob Dylan

If I were playing third base and my mother were rounding third with the run that was going to beat us, I'd trip her. Oh, I'd pick her up and brush her off and say, 'Sorry, Mom,' but nobody beats me.
-- Leo Durocher

If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never.
-- Soren Kierkegaard

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them.
-- Isaac Asimov

I flee who chases me, and chase who flees me.
-- Ovid

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus.
-- Emma Goldman

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-- Art Bell

If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
-- Mary Wilson Little

If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
-- Francis Rodman

If men must die, why not in honorable pursuit of knowledge? Far be it that our ideas of manhood should be dwarfed to the size of a golden dollar.
-- George Melville

If men were angels, no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary.
-- Federalist Papers

If 'Moby Dick' had been written from Captain Ahab's point of view, would the opening sentence have been, 'Call me Fishmeal'?
-- Stanley Anderson

If moral behavior were simply following rules, we could program a computer to be moral.
-- Samuel P. Ginder

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien

If moths are attracted to light, why don't they come out in the daytime?

If narcissism disappeared from our midst, businesses would close and millions would be thrown out of work. The wheel of consumption and entertainment, it seems, must spin faster and faster. Will the merry-go-round continue, or will it break down at some future point?
-- J.R. Nyquist

If no one is pissed-off with you then you are dead but just haven't figured it out yet.
-- Tom Peters

If nothing in life is a struggle then life itself will become one.
-- Britt Etters

If nothing is going well, call your grandmother.
-- Italian Proverb

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey

If one cannot state a matter clearly enough so that even an intelligent twelve-year-old can understand it, one should remain within the cloistered walls of the university and laboratory until one gets a better grasp of one's subject matter.
-- Margaret Mead

If one person tells thee thou has ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell thee so, procure a saddle for thyself.
-- Hebrew Proverb

If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody.
-- Agatha Christie

If only he'd wash his neck, I'd wring it.
-- John Sparrow

If only I had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
-- Ted Turner

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
-- Milton Berle

If partisanship makes us abandon intellectual honesty, if we oppose what our opponents say or do simply because they are the ones saying or doing it, we become mere political short-sellers, hoping for bad news because it's good for our ideological investment.
-- Kurt Andersen

If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.
-- William Feather

If people speak ill of you, live so that no one will believe them.
-- Plato

If people take the trouble to cook, you should take the trouble to eat.
-- Robert Morley (On why he opposes dieting)

If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed.
-- Beau Brummel

If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side.
-- Orson Scott Card

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

I, frankly, felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable, and I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers.
-- George W. Bush

If she [America] forgets where she came from, if the people lose sight of what brought them along, if she listens to the deniers and mockers, then will begin the rot and dissolution.
-- Carl Sandburg

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

If somebody starts shooting a gun at me, don't expect me to defend myself with a condiment.
-- Steve Daniels (re: pepper spray)

If something goes wrong, it is more important to talk about who is going to fix it, than who is to blame.
-- Francis J. Gable

If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice.
-- Norman R. Augustine

If storms are caused by the flapping of butterfly wings as chaos theory suggests, maybe we can eliminate hurricanes by killing all butterflies.
-- Robert Park

If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

If the B-2 is invisible, just announce you've built 100 of them and don't build them.
-- Representative John Kasich

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
-- Lyall Watson

If the copying machines that came along later had been here during the war, I'm not sure the allies would have won. We'd all have drowned in paper.
-- Alan Dickey

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
-- Robert Moses

If the evidence doesn't seem to fit a particular conspiracy theory, just create a bigger conspiracy theory.
-- Robert D. Hicks

If the financial services industry would just follow two of the Ten Commandments, in spirit as well as in fact, it would resolve most of the problems: (1) You shall not steal; (2) You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor.
-- Harold Evensky

If the horse is dead, get off it.
-- Terry L. Paulson

If the human race wants to go to Hell in a basket, technology can help it get there by jet.
-- Charles M. Allen

If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers.
-- Sir George Savile

If the man who paints only the tree, or flower, or other surface he sees before him were an artist, the king of artists would be the photographer. It is for the artist to do something beyond this.
-- James McNeill Whistler

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow

If there is a country that has committed unspeakable atrocities in the world, it is the United States of America. They don't care for human beings.
-- Nelson Mandela

If there is everything to be gained by trying, and nothing to be lost, by all means try!
-- W. Clement Stone

If there is no wind, row.
-- Polish Proverb

If the Republican party does not make substantial changes to their policies, they will remain largely the same.
-- Rep. Corrine Brown

If there's anything Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo has taught me, it's that breakdancing is the key to financial solvency.
-- R.M. Weiner

If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.
-- Michael Levin

If the right man doesn't come along, there are many fates far worse. One is to have the wrong man come along.
-- Letitia Baldridge

If things keep going like they are, soon we'll be back to taking aspirin for everything that ails us.
-- Jerry Heaster

If two men keep a horse it is thin; if two families keep a boat, it leaks.
-- Chinese Proverb

If we cannot live so as to be happy, let us least live so as to deserve it.
-- Immanuel Hermann Fichte

If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner.
-- General Omar N. Bradley

If we could see ourselves as others see us, it would probably confirm our opinion of them.
-- Robert B. Fleming

If we did not have such a thing as an airplane today, we would probably create something the size of N.A.S.A. to make one.
-- Ross Perot

If we'd only stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.
-- Edith Wharton

If we do not learn from history, we shall be compelled to relive it. True. But if we do not change the future, we shall be compelled to endure it. And that could be worse.
-- Alvin Toffler

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
-- Bill Clinton

If we have not quiet in our minds, outward comfort will do no more for us than a golden slipper on a gouty foot.
-- John Bunyan

If we keep treating our most important values as meaningless relics, that's exactly what they'll become.
-- Michael Josephson

If we lived in a state where virtue was profitable, common sense would make us saintly. But since we see that avarice, anger, pride and stupidity commonly profit far beyond charity, modesty, justice and thought, perhaps we must stand fast a little, even at the risk of being heroes.
-- Sir Thomas More, as quoted in the movie "A Man For All Seasons"

If we practiced medicine like we practice education, we'd look for the liver on the right side and left side in alternate years.
-- Alfred Kazin

If we raise taxes on employees, they're likely to stop working. If we raise taxes on employers, they're likely to quit hiring.
-- Ron Muhlenkamp

If were just a little matter that didn't matter, it would be another matter.
-- Herbert Morrison

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon.
-- George Aiken

If we won't be better tomorrow than we were today, than what do we need tomorrow for?
-- Rabbi Nahman of Bratslav

If winning is the only value, why debate when you can suppress?
-- John Leo

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. But if horses had wishes, riders would beg.
-- Dennis Ridley

If worry were an effective weight-loss program, women would be invisible.
-- Nancy Drew

If you achieve success, you will get applause, and if you get applause, you will hear it. My advice to you concerning applause is this: Enjoy it but never quite believe it.
-- Robert Montgomery

If you are a good economist, a virtuous economist, you are reborn as a physicist. But if you are an evil, wicked economist, you are reborn as a sociologist.
-- Paul Krugman

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
-- Lee Trevino

If you are going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.
-- Admiral Hyman Rickover

If you are ignorant, you certainly can get into some interesting arguments.
-- Herbert Prochnow

If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept, chocolate will revive you. But you have no chocolate! I think of that again and again! My dear, how will you ever manage?
-- Marquise de Sevigne, February 11, 1677

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
-- Japanese Proverb

If you believe in an ideal, you don't own it, it owns you.
-- Raymond Chandler

If you believe in yourself, have dedication and pride and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of victory is high, but so are the rewards.
-- Paul "Bear" Bryant

If you believe the doctors, nothing is wholesome; if you believe the theologians, nothing is innocent; if you believe the military, nothing is safe.
-- Lord Salisbury

If you came and you found a strange man... teaching your kids to punch each other, or trying to sell them all kinds of products, you'd kick him right out of the house, but here you are; you come in and the TV is on, and you don't think twice about it.
-- Jerome Singer

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
-- J. Paul Getty

If you can distinguish between good advice and bad advice, then you don't need advice.
-- Van Roy

If you cannot annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.
-- Kingsley Amis

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

If you can't keep quiet, shut up!
-- Director Gregory Ratoff, to his crew

If you choose not to receive such solicitations from unaffiliated third parties, you may instruct Cal Fed not to disclose your nonpublic personal information.
-- Cal Fed privacy policy

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
-- Max Ehrmann

If you cut a thing up, of course it will smell. Hence, nothing raises such an infernal stink at last, as human psychology.
-- D.H. Lawrence

If you demand money from someone in exchange for your silence, it's called 'blackmail'. If your lawyer demands money from someone in exchange for your silence, it's called a settlement.

If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they print only your thumbs.
-- Arthur Baer

If you do not expect it, you will not find the unexpected, for it is hard to find and difficult.
-- Heraclitus

If you don't do it, you will never know what would have happened if you had done it.
-- Steve Troute

If you don't have a modem, you'll have the option to send your registration over the Internet.
-- PowerSoft documentation

If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time to do it over?

If you don't invest very much, then defeat doesn't hurt very much and winning is not very exciting.
-- Dick Vermeil

If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else.
-- Yogi Berra

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If you don't want anyone to know it, don't do it.
-- Chinese Proverb

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
-- Dean Martin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Jack Handey

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
-- Bobcat Goldthwait

If you feel that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you.
-- Robert Goheen, President, Princeton University

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:
I'm a genuine philanthropist, all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures I endeavor to correct.
-- W.S. Gilbert, in Princess Ida

If you have great talents, industry will improve them; if moderate abilities, industry will supply their deficiencies. Nothing is denied to well-directed labor; nothing is ever to be attained without it.
-- Joshua Reynolds

If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters.
-- Alan Simpson

If you have intercourse, you run the risk of dying, and the ramifications of death are final
-- Cyndi Lauper

If you have nothing else to do, look about you and see if there isn't something close at hand that you can improve! It may make you wealthy, though it is more likely that it will make you happy.
-- George Matthew Adams

If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
-- Louis Armstrong

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
-- A.J. Liebling

If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.
-- William Orton

If you kill me, I promise you -- you will never take me alive.
-- Spike Milligan

If you listen carefully, you get to hear everything you didn't want to hear in the first place.
-- Sholem Aleichem

If you live in Philadelphia, don't get into the Eagles until week 11. Use a little common sense and rake leaves on Sundays instead, then drink beer and read. And by the way, if you have a couple of spare tickets, let me know.
-- Mark Moskowitz

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
-- Simone de Beauvoir

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
-- Kasper Gutman (Sidney Greenstreet) The Maltese Falcon

If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.
-- Dean Smith

If you make one word out of 'The IRS' it spells 'theirs.'
-- Lyn Nofziger

If you mess something up, remember who got you there. Don't be pointing fingers, even if finger-pointing is called for. Only one you got to blame is your own self.
-- Bernie Mac

If you must be in a hurry, then let it be according to the old adage, and hasten slowly.
-- Saint Vincent de Paul

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
-- James Goldsmith

If you practice an art, be proud of it and make it proud of you...It may break your heart, but it will fill your heart before it breaks it; it will make you a person in your own right.
-- Maxwell Anderson

If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant.
-- Snoopy

If you race merely for the tributes from others, you will be at the mercy of their expectations.
-- Scott Tinley

If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy, you are on the way to the scrap-heap.
-- Glen Buck

If your contribution has been vital there will always be somebody to pick up where you left off, and that will be your claim to immortality.
-- Walter Gropius

If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.
-- Lily Tomlin

If you're a real Red Sox fan, the only way you're going to die happy is if they win one of these in your lifetime. I'd be willing to bet you that if they win the Series, the death rate in New England actually will climb because many people will have given up the ghost. They'll be ready to go.
-- John Dunlap (2004)

If you're considered a beauty, it's hard to be accepted doing anything but standing around.
-- Cybil Shepard

If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.
-- Marie Osmond

If you're going to sell someone a $150 pair of jeans, then their rear end has to look really good, and you have to create an atmosphere that when the clerk tells you how good you look, you believe it.
-- Len Schlesinger

If you're listening to a rock star in order to get your information on who to vote for, you're a bigger moron than they are. Why are we rock stars? Because we're morons. We sleep all day, we play music at night and very rarely do we sit around reading the Washington Journal.
-- Alice Cooper

If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
-- William Feather

If you're not making waves, you're not underway.
-- Admiral Chester Nimitz

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
-- Paul Newman

[If] you're writing children's books, you need to be a ruthless killer.
-- J.K. Rowling

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
-- Jack Handey

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.
-- Richard Bach

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett

If your ship doesn't come in...then swim out to it.
-- Jonathan Winters

If you saw that warning label on any other product you wouldn't go near it. It's like looking at the warning label on Drano 'Harmful or fatal if swallowed' -- and thinking, 'Well, I'm down to three cans a week. It relaxes me.'
-- Paul Provenza (on smoking)

If you see an onion ring -- answer it!

If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
-- Swami Prabhupada

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
-- Arthur Kasspe

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
-- Anita Roddick

If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
-- Mr. Interesting

If you use the word 'paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions.
-- David Jones

If you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent.
-- Bette Davis

If you want a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.
-- Bernie Mac

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
-- The Dalai Lama

If you want to be an effective leader, you need not only to get people to follow you, you need to go someplace that counts.
-- Peter Likins

If you want to be free, there is but one way; it is to guarantee an equally full measure of liberty to all your neighbors. There is no other.
-- Carl Schurz

If you want to please the critics, don't play too loud, too soft, too fast, too slow.
-- Arturo Toscanini

If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.
-- Alan King

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap."
-- Delta Burke

If you want to say something radical, you should dress conservative.
-- Steve Biko

If you want to see what your friends and family think of you, die broke, and see who comes to your funeral.
-- Gregory Nunn

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the result on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.
-- National Lampoon

If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
-- Seymour Cray

If you will help run our government in the American way, then there will never be danger of our government running America in the wrong way.
-- General Omar N. Bradley

If you wish to be blamed, marry; if you wish to be praised, die.
-- North African Proverb

If you wish to die young, make your physician your heir.
-- Romanian Proverb

If you wish to live, you must first attend your own funeral.
-- Katherine Mansfield

If you wish to reach the highest, begin at the lowest.
-- Publilius Syrus

If you would be pungent, be brief; for it is with words as with sunbeams -- the more they are condensed, the deeper they burn.
-- Robert Southey

I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment.
-- Gotama Buddha

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
-- Mae West

I get asked to do benefits a lot and I've decided I've got to be a bit more discerning, I can't just do all of them. . . . I got asked to do a benefit for babies born addicted to crack. And I said well, all right, I'll help you raise money for them, but I think we both know what they're gonna spend it on.
-- Laura Kightlinger

I get a warm feeling when I see my enemies smoking cigarettes.
-- Pat E. Fogger

I get the facts, I study them patiently, I apply imagination.
-- Bernard M. Baruch

Ignorance is a voluntary misfortune.
-- Nicholas Ling

Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
-- Franklin K. Dane

Ignorance is no excuse, it's the real thing.
-- Irene Peter

Ignorance is not bliss; ignorance is impotence; it is fear; it is cruelty; it is all the things that make for unhappiness.
-- Ingrid Holtby

Ignorance is not knowing something. Stupidity is not admitting your ignorance.
-- Daniel Turov

Ignorance is the mother of presumption.
-- Marie de Gournay

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.
-- Charles Darwin

Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind.
-- Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
-- James Boren

I guess I'm not really involving my imagination to that of a circumstance or happening -- I'm just kind of acknowledging it as an existence.
-- Keanu Reeves

I guess I'm saying that I admire lonely print reporters, but I wouldn't want to be one. -- Mike Wallace

I guess I would have voted with the majority if it was a close vote. But I agree with the arguments the minority made.
-- Bill Clinton

I guess more players lick themselves that are ever licked by an opposing team. The first thing any man has to know is how to handle himself.
-- Connie Mack

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-- Jeff Stilson

I had no vision of the scope of what I would start. But I had confidence that as long as we did our work well and were good to our customers, there would be no limit to us.
-- Sam Walton

I hate authors. I wouldn't mind them so much if they didn't write books.
-- Polly Walker

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park, there's nothing left to do.
-- Lenny Bruce

I hate to do it, but it looks like I'm going to have to file a big lawsuit against my parents for turning me into a pathetic, spoiled, whiney-ass, refuse-to-take-responsibility crybaby.
-- Ken Gacioch

I hate to see a young man get ahead on the basis of a famous family name.
-- Ted Kennedy (on George W. Bush, Jr.)

I have a dream that the subjects of liberation, diversity, empowerment would be considered exhausted, spent, depleted and that poets would cast their nets for fresh material.
-- Ellen Pfeifer

I have all the subtlety of one of those World's Strongest Man Competitions. In fact, imagine one of those guys on a six day whiskey, cocaine and steroid binge swinging a snow shovel around an antique doll shop.
-- Dave James

I have almost invariably found that charm is used as a substitute for intelligence in persons of both sexes. Thus, I have always been and will remain wary of it.
-- Dean Acheson

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
-- Craig Charles

I have been a believer in the magic of language since, at a very early age, I discovered that some words got me into trouble and others got me out.
-- Katherine Dunn

I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.
-- Jeffrey Bernard

I have closely noted that people who watch a great deal of TV never again seem able to adjust to the actual pace of life. The speed of the passing images becomes the speed the aspire to and they seem to develop an impatience and boredom with anything else.
-- Jim Harrison

I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I speak the truth, and they never believe me.
-- Camillo di Cavour

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
-- Joan Rivers

I have great faith in fools -- self-confidence my friends call it.
-- Edgar Allan Poe

I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was able to reason.
-- Stephen W. Hawking

I have learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.
-- Peter Cook

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
-- Bruce Grocott

I have long since abandoned the notion that higher education is essential to either success or happiness. Hothouses of learning do not always grow anything edible.
-- Robert Moses

I have never been contained except I made the prison.
-- Mary Evans

I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.
-- Dudley Field Malone

I have never known anyone important enough to consume me in anger beyond a few hours. Better to depart their existence before they poison your own.
-- Gordon Parks

I have never regarded politics as the arena of morals. It is the arena of interests.
-- Aneurin Bevan

I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse.
-- Brendan Behan

I have never yet met a healthy person who worries very much about his health or a really good person who worries much about his own soul.
-- J.B.S. Haldane

I have no data yet. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories instead of theories to suit facts.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I have no respect for the passion for equality, which seems to me merely idealizing envy.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.
-- Steven Hawkins

I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of my enemies in a fight. But my friends, my goddamned friends, they're the ones who keep me walking the floor at nights!
-- Warren G. Harding

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins

I haven't killed anybody all day. Help me keep it that way.
-- Clint Eastwood

I have observed that, generally speaking, network sports announcers did not tend to live to a ripe old age. On the other hand, I had noticed that baseball announcers seemed to go right on forever. Bob Elson has been calling balls and strikes since the beginning of time. Harry Caray must have started with Abner Doubleday, and was still going strong.
-- Lindsey Nelson

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
-- Publilius Syrus

I have often relied on the blindness of strangers.
-- Adrienne E. Gusoff

I have often said that I wish I had invented blue jeans: the most spectacular, the most practical, the most relaxed and nonchalant. They have expression, modesty, sex appeal, simplicity -- all I hope for in my clothes.
-- Yves Saint Laurent

I have often wished I had time to cultivate modesty . . . But I am too busy thinking about myself.
-- Dame Edith Sitwell

I have one criticism about the Negro troops who fought under my command in the Korean War. They didn't send me enough of them.
-- General Douglas MacArthur

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
-- Hippolyte Taine

I have to concentrate on my son. That's why I have lovers right now and not a boyfriend. I don't want my son to start calling somebody Daddy unless that person's gonna stay.
-- Angelina Jolie

I have two weapons -- my legs, my arm, and my brains.
-- Michael Vick

I have written on all sorts of subjects . . . yet I have no enemies; except indeed all the Whigs, all the Tories, and all the Christians.
-- David Hume

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated.
-- Poul Anderson

I head a race of super beings, poised to take over this puny world. When my work is done, you will be but a minion on Planet Dust. Come early, all the really good minion jobs fill up fast.
-- Dustbunny

I heard an Englishman, who had been long resident in America, declare that in following, in meeting, or in overtaking, in the street, on the road, or in the field, at the theatre, the coffee-house, or at home, he had never overheard Americans conversing without the word DOLLAR being pronounced between them. Such unity of purpose ... can ... be found nowhere else, except... in an ant's nest.
-- Frances Trollope

I heard his footprints coming down the hall.
-- Johnny Logan, Baseball Player

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
-- Bill Hirst

I hold, as an article of faith, that the worth of an organisation can be accurately measured as the reciprocal of how many "Hollywood beautiful people" it attracts. It has never failed me yet.
-- Barry Williams

I improve on misquotation.
-- Cary Grant

I invent nothing. I rediscover.
-- Auguste Rodin

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
-- Bill Hoest

I just want to do the least work in the least time and make the most money.
-- Pamela Anderson

I just want to do what has to be done so much. I'll never understand why everyone else doesn't feel this way.
-- Abbie Hoffman

I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since.
-- Arturo Toscanini

I knew I was in for a long year when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I heard that song I have a bad game.'
-- Jim Leyland

I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better take one along that worked.
-- Raymond Chandler

I know a baseball star who wouldn't report the theft of his wife's credit cards because the thief spends less than she does.
-- Joe Garagiola

I know a lot of people didn't expect our relationship to last
-- but we've just celebrated our two month anniversary.
-- Britt Ekland

I know at last what distinguishes man from animals; financial worries.
-- Romain Rolland

I know not, Sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
-- Sir James Barrie

I know that a man who shows me his wealth is like the beggar who shows me his poverty; they are both looking for alms from me, the rich man for the alms of my envy, the poor man for the alms of my guilt.
-- Ben Hecht

I know that poetry is indispensable, but to what I could not say.
-- Jean Cocteau

I know the good Lord wouldn't give me any more than I can handle, but I sure wish he wouldn't have so much confidence in me.
-- Bernie Williams

I know the name but I can't replace the face.
-- Johnny Logan, Baseball Player

I know there are people in this world who don't love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
-- Tom Lehrer

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I said I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually, I am a giraffe.
-- Richard Gere

I learn by going where I have to go.
-- Theodore Roethke

I learned early in life not to judge others. We outcasts are very happy and content to leave that job to our social superiors.
-- Ethel Waters

I learned the way a monkey learns -- by watching its parents.
-- Queen Elizabeth II

I leave you to draw your own conclusions. With crayons, no doubt.
-- Marc Wolfe

I like a moral problem so much better than a real problem.
-- Elaine May

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
-- Steve Martin

I liked the store detective who said he'd seen a lot of people who were so confused that they'd stolen things, but never one so confused they'd paid twice.
-- Baroness Phillips

I like Frenchmen very much, because even when they insult you they do it so nicely.
-- Josephine Baker

I like it because it plays old music.
-- Tug McGraw (describing why he drives a 1954 Buick)

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still now quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
-- Agatha Christie

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.
-- Dr. Seuss

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
-- Patrick Henry

I like the word indolence. It makes my laziness seem classy.
-- Bern Williams

I like to buy [stock in] a business any fool can run, because eventually one will.
-- Peter Lynch

I like to help women help themselves, as that is, in my opinion, the best way to settle the woman question. Whatever we can do and do well we have a right to, and I don't think any one will deny us.
-- Louisa May Alcott

I like to keep an open mind, but not so open my brains fall out.
-- Arthur Sulzberger

I like to think of us as Clearasil on the face of the nation. Jim Morrison would have said that if he was smart, but he's dead.
-- Lou Reed

I'll be damned if I am not getting tired of this. It seems to be the profession of a President simply to hear other people talk.
-- William Howard Taft

I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!
-- Tom Galloway

I'll have pie a la mode with ice cream.
-- Johnny Logan, Baseball Player

I'll play first, third, left. I'll play anywhere -- except Philadelphia.
-- Dick Allen

I'll promise to go easier on drinking and to get to bed earlier, but not for you, fifty thousand dollars, or two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars will I give up women. They're too much fun.
-- Babe Ruth

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
-- August Strindberg

I loathe writing. On the other hand I'm a great believer in money.
-- S.J. Perelman

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
-- Art Buchwald

I look at [modeling] as something I'm doing for black people in general.
-- Naomi Campbell

I looked at all the superstars. What is their different thing? Their hair...I wanted to be a star. I said "I have to fix my hair."
-- Rob Pilatus (of Milli Vanilli)

I looked up the family tree and found I was the sap.
-- Arthur Baer

I look upon life as a gift from God. I did nothing to earn it. Now that the time is coming to give it back, I have no right to complain.
-- Joyce Cary

I love being chubby because chicks that smoke pot love me. They think I have food at my house.
-- Reno Collier

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
-- Brian Kiley

I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away.
-- Nancy Mitford

I love creating stars. To some extent I have done that with Ivana. To a certain extent I have done that with Marla. I have really given a lot of women great opportunity. Unfortunately, after they are a star, the fun is over for me.
-- Donald Trump

I loved making Rising Sun. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-esteem.
-- Tatjana Patriz

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself.
-- Marlene Dietrich

I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils.
-- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

I love the male body, it's better designed than the male mind.
-- Andrea Newman

I'm absolutely sure there's no life on Mars. It's not listed on my daughter's phone bills.
-- Larry Matthews

iMac compatible
-- outside packaging on a Mead Laserline MOUSEPAD

I made more lousy pictures than any actor in history.
-- Humphrey Bogart

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
-- Mitch Hedberg

Imagination is to love what gas is to the balloon -- that which raises it from earth.
-- Letitia E. Landon

Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not; a sense of humor was provided to console us for what we are.
-- Mack McGinnis

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
-- Jeff Raskin

I'm a highly, highly, highly creative human being. I write music all the time. I write scripts constantly. I run my own production company. I'm also a very determined businesswoman. I've a town to deal with. I've got a lot of things to do and I don't have time to be classified as difficult, and I don't have time to care.
-- Kim Basinger

I'm a Hollywood writer, so I put on my sports jacket and take off my brain.
-- Ben Hecht

I make all my decisions on intuition. I throw a spear into the darkness. That is intuition. Then I must send an army into the darkness to find the spear. That is intellect.
-- Ingmar Bergman

I'm all in favor of the democratic principle that one idiot is as good as one genius, but I draw the line when someone takes the next step and concludes that two idiots are better than one genius.
-- Leo Szilard

I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
-- Dudley Moore

I'm always right and I never lie, so vote for me, George Leroy Tirebiter.
-- Firesign Theater

I managed a team that was so bad we considered a 2-and-0 count on the batter a rally.
-- Rich Donnelly

I'm an optimist, but I'm an optimist that carries a raincoat.
-- Harold Wilson

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
-- Roy Orbison

I may not be playing with a full deck but I don't need a full deck. I have four aces.
-- Jonathan Winters

I mean, being mentally incompetent shouldn't be an argument for the defense, it should be one for the prosecution.
-- Chad Larson

I mean, seriously, we are a culture that can stand in front of a microwave with a burrito in it and scream "FASTER!"
-- Ross Brown

I'm flattered that so many baseball people think I'm a Hall of Famer. But what's hard to believe is how one-hundred and fifty plus people have changed their minds about me since I became eligible, because I haven't had a base hit since then.
-- Richie Ashburn

I'm glad there are a lot of guitar players pursuing technique as diligently as they possibly can, because it leaves this whole other area open to people like me.
-- Richard Thompson

I'm going to Radio Shack to buy one of those headsets like the broadcasters use. It seems as soon as you put one on, you get 100 times smarter.
-- Nick Leyva (Baseball manager)

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!
-- Sam Levenson

I'm going to write a book: How to make a small fortune in Baseball -- you start with a large fortune.
-- Ruly Carpenter, (President and owner of the Philadelphia Phillies)

I'm impressed by the continuity of his physical presence.
-- Howard Cosell

I'm in favor of it.
-- John McKay, football coach, when asked about his team's execution

I'm just waiting for somebody to say I'm a fag -- that's when you're a really big star.
-- Burt Reynolds

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
-- e.e. cummings

I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
-- Harvard Professor, evaluating a senior thesis

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-- Jack Paar

I'm much more than a pair of breasts...I represent success, hard work, and fun.
-- Pamela Anderson

I'm no actor -- and I have sixty-four pictures to prove it.
-- Victor Mature

I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship.
-- Louisa May Alcott

I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
-- Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

I'm not an ambulance chaser, I'm usually there before the ambulance.
-- Melvin Belli

I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player.
-- John Kruk

I'm not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters.
-- Simon LeBon, lead singer of Duran Duran

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
-- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts.
-- Bethania McKenstry

I'm obsessed with crocodiles and getting eaten by one. When I hear that someone's been eaten by a crocodile or shark, I get all gooey. I start salivating.
-- Tori Amos

I'm often amazed at the way politicians -- who spend hours poring over opinion poll results in a desperate attempt to discover what the public thinks -- are certain they know precisely what God's views are on everything.
-- Simon Hoggart

I'm originally from Iowa. It took a long time for me to realize we were free to go.
-- Jake Johannsen

Impartiality is not neutrality. It is partiality for justice.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Impartial observers from other planets would consider ours an utterly bizarre enclave if it were populated by birds, defined as flying animals, that nevertheless rarely or never actually flew. They would also be perplexed if they encountered in our seas, lakes, rivers, and ponds, creatures defined as swimmers that never did any swimming. But they would be even more surprised to encounter a species defined as a thinking animal if, in fact, the creature very rarely indulged in actual thinking.
-- Steve Allen

I'm probably the only guy who worked for [Casey] Stengel before and after he was a genius.
-- Warren Spahn

I'm proud of paying taxes. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money.
-- Arthur Godfrey

I'm saying that the moral climate within the ruling class in this country is not that different from the moral climate within the ruling class of Hitler's Germany.
-- David Clennon, referring to the U.S.

I'm sincere. I'm really curious. I care what people think. I listen to answers and leave my ego at the door. I don't use the word "I."
-- Larry King

I'm starting to like muggers more than congressmen. At least the muggers don't claim they're doing you a favor.
-- Paul Jacob

I'm strong to the finish cause I eats me spinach.
-- Popeye

I'm supposed to be writing a book, and I can hardly read.
-- Mark "The Bird" Fidrych

I'm sure Hell has an e-mail system. So I'll have to learn Outlook Express, big deal.
-- Scott Hazen Mueller

I'm tired of Love: I'm still more tired of Rhyme.
But Money gives me pleasure all the time.
-- Hilaire Belloc

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
-- Gary Shandling

I must say that I do wrestle with the amount of money I make, but at the end of the day what am I gonna say? I took less money so Rupert Murdoch could have more?
-- Tom Hanks

I'm working on a new pitch. It's called a strike.
-- Jim Kern

In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
-- Ivan Illich

In a country well governed poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed wealth is something to be ashamed of.
-- Confucius

In actual fact those who do not care for politics and sit on the fence do indeed side for a political party: The ruling party.
-- Max Frisch

In a democracy dissent is an act of faith. Like medicine, the test of its value is not in its taste, but in its effects.
-- J. William Fulbright

In a democracy everybody has a right to be represented, including the jerks.
-- Chris Patten

In a democracy, every man's as good as the next. Hell--he's better!
-- Fred Resenberg

In a democracy the people get what the majority deserves.
-- James Davidson

In a drop of rain can be seen the colors of the sun.
-- Lewis Namier

In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, Junior, what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you."They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf.
"Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where's your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you."
As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody remnants of the wolf and the fox.
The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.

In a general way, we try to anticipate some of your questions so that I can respond no comment with some degree of knowledge.
-- William Baker

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.
-- Elizabeth Ashley

In all the wide world there is no flattery like the flattery of an old servant.
-- Theodore Powys

In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.
-- Marlene Dietrich

In America there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. This is what makes America what it is.
-- Gertrude Stein

In America the word revolutionary is used to sell pantyhose.
-- Rita Mae Brown

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from.
-- Peter Ustinov

In an action film you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama.
-- Jean-Claude Van Damme

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
-- Stephen Leacock

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
-- Stuart Keate

In a political fight, when you've got nothing in favour of your side, start a row in the opposition camp.
-- Huey Long

In a rational society we would want our presidents to be teachers. In our actual society we insist they be cheerleaders.
-- Steve Allen

In argument similes are like songs in love; they describe much, but prove nothing.
-- Matthew Prior

In a sense it's a one-man show... except there are two men involved, Hartson and Berkovic, and a third man, the goalkeeper.
-- John Motson, BBC1

In a war of ideas it is the people who get killed.
-- Stanislaw Lem

In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late.
-- Bruce Sterling

In case anyone would like to know, we have now entered the Christmas season. Christmas as in Jesus Christ. This is not the 'happy holidays' season. It isn't even Ramadan, which until recently I thought was a hotel chain.
-- Lyn Nofziger

Incessant company is as bad as solitary confinement.
-- Virginia Woolf

Increasingly, people seem to misinterpret complexity as sophistication, which is baffling; the incomprehensible should cause suspicion rather than admiration.
-- Niklaus Wirth

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
-- Mogens Jallberg

Indifference, lukewarmness, and neutrality are always attached to failure.
-- John L. Mason

Indoors or out, no one relaxes
In March, that month of wind and taxes
The wind will presently disappear
The taxes last us all the year.
-- Ogden Nash

I need very little reality.
-- Heinrich Boll

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
-- Warren Hutcherson

In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
-- Francesco Caracciolo

"In English, there is no double positive that makes it a negative."
"Yeah, right"
-- Fred Terry

I never been in no situation where havin' money make it any worse.
-- Clinton Jones

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?
-- Yogi Berra

I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe.
-- Leo Rosten

I never exaggerate. I just remember big.
-- Chi Chi Rodriguez

I never get bored, because there's always different puzzles, I'm wearing different clothes, there's different contestants, there's different prizes.
-- Vanna White

I never know what to say when I meet celebrities. I don't know why I get so flummoxed, but sometimes awful things come out. In college I met Kevin Rowland, then the lead singer of Dexy's Midnight Runners, a band for whom I had altogether too much affection. (Still do.) I told Mr. Rowland I found it inspiring that he had the courage to become a singer with such a bad voice. Never has a stare been colder.
-- Warren Bell

I never liked the atmosphere of Washington. I early saw that it was impossible to build up a race of which the leaders were spending most of their time, thought and energy in trying to get into office, or in trying to stay there after they were in.
-- Booker T. Washington

I never liked the men I loved, or loved the men I liked.
-- Fannie Hurst

I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
-- Gore Vidal

I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
-- Horace Greely

I never said it was possible. I only said it was true.
-- Sir William Crookes

I never said most of the things I said.
-- Yogi Berra

I never saw a discontented tree. They grip the ground as though they liked it, and though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do.
-- John Muir

I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.
-- David Ogilvy

I never tried to prove nothing, just wanted to give a good show. My life has always been my music, it's always come first, but the music ain't worth nothing if you can't lay it on the public. The main thing is to live for that audience, 'cause what you're there for is to please the people.
-- Louis Armstrong

In every art form, expressive greatness is not achieved consciously. If it is planned, the listener always becomes aware of the artist's intent and falls out of the mood. Naturally, one must study the work to fall into its spirit, but from that point on the performance must be intuitive -- otherwise it is worthless.
-- Josef Hofmann

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
-- Robert Anderson

Infantile love follows the principle: 'I love because I am loved.'
Mature love follows the principle: 'I am loved because I love.'
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'
-- Erich Fromm

Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford -- but you'll take him anyway.
-- Judith Viorst

Information cannot argue with a closed mind.
-- Elaine May

Information is just signs and numbers, while knowledge involves their meaning. What we want is knowledge, but what we get is information.
-- Heinz R. Pagels

In free countries, every man is entitled to express his opinions and every other man is entitled not to listen.
-- G. Norman Collie

In gaining an awareness of death, we sharpen and intensify our awareness of life.
-- Herman Feifel

In general, markets know more than the people who write about them.
-- Jim Grant

In giving advice seek to help, not to please, your friend.
-- Solon

In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.
-- Cassius

In him was vindicated the greatness of real goodness and the goodness of real greatness.
-- Phillips Brooks, about Abraham Lincoln

In Hollywood, writers are considered only the first draft of human beings.
-- Frank Deford

In hospitals there is no time off for good behavior.
-- Josephine Tey

In investing, the return you want should depend on whether you want to eat well or sleep well.
-- J. Kenfield Morley

In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right.
-- Ellen Goodman

In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value to product."
According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have been an efficiency expert?
-- Motor Trend, May 1983

In liberal land, the thinking goes like this: If a majority of Americans seek a change in direction they must be denied by the courts for their own good. But when a tiny sliver of the minority seeks change it must be granted them by a handful of judges for the nation's good. This phenomenon used to be referred to as the 'tyranny of the minority', but is now simply known as the New York Times editorial policy.
-- Lisa Fabrizio

In life it is difficult to say who do you the worst mischief, enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.
-- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.
-- Erich Fromm

In Lubbock, we grew up with two main things: God loves you and he's gonna send you to hell, and that sex is bad and dirty and nasty and awful and you should save it for the one you love.
-- Butch Hancock

In making one discovery we never fail to get an incomplete knowledge of others of which we previously had no idea, so that we cannot solve one problem without finding new ones.
-- Joseph Priestly

In marriage, being the right person is as important as finding the right person.
-- Wilbert Donald Gough

In masks outrageous and austere
The years go by in single file;
But none has merited my fear,
And none has quite escaped my smile.
-- Elinor Wylie

In mathematics you don't understand things; you just get used to them.
-- John von Neumann

In me, by myself, without human relationship, there are no visible lies. The limited circle is pure.
-- Franz Kafka

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.
-- Josi Simon

In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.
-- Dick Gregory

In my country we go to prison first and then become President.
-- Nelson Mandela

In my humble opinion, law schools teach students how to lie to one person at a time, while journalism schools teach students how to lie to everybody at once.
-- Norman Liebmann

In my opinion any man who thinks simply having his penis removed, having breast implants, and taking hormones turns him into a woman needs to be in a psychiatrist’s office, not in a parade.
-- Tammy Bruce

In my younger days, I used to pick up sluts, and I don't mean that nastily. It's more a term of endearment, really, for girls who know how to speak their minds.
-- Kevin Costner

In my youth there were words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now, you can't say 'girl'.
-- Tom Lehrer

In necessary things, unity; in doubtful things, liberty; in all things, charity.
-- Richard Baxter

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.
-- Lewis Black

Innocence involves an unseeing acceptance of things at face value, an ignorance of the things below the surface. One cannot have both compassion and innocence.
-- Eugenia Collier

Innocence is always unsuspicious.
-- Thomas Haliburton

Innocence seldom utters outraged shrieks. Guilt does.
-- Whittaker Chambers

In no other country on the planet do so many people have so little as they do in this country.
-- Cynthia McKinney, former Georgia Representative

In one case out of a hundred a point is excessively discussed because it is obscure; in the ninety-nine remaining it is obscure because it is excessively discussed.
-- Edgar Allan Poe

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
-- Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord

In order to compose, all you need to do is remember a tune that nobody else has thought of.
-- Robert Schumann

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
-- Dereke Bruce

In our individual-oriented culture, many of us now live removed from the passage of time in nature, conducting our lives in interior spaces where we gauge the passage of time by the watch or the clock.
-- Fenton Johnson

In painting you must give the idea of the true by means of the false.
-- Edgar Degas

In peace, sons bury their fathers; in war, fathers bury their sons.
-- Herodotus

In personal conversations with technical people, I call myself a hacker. But when I'm talking to journalists I just say "programmer" or something like that.
-- Linus Torvalds

In politics, an organized minority is a political majority.
-- Jesse Jackson

In prayer it is better to have a heart without words, than words without a heart.
-- John Bunyan

In reality, we are still children. We want to find a playmate for our thoughts and feelings.
-- Wilhelm Stekel

In real science a hypothesis can never be proved true...A science which confines itself to correlating phenomena can never learn anything about the reality underlying the phenomena, while a science which goes further than this and introduces hypotheses about reality, can never acquire certain knowledge of a positive kind about reality; in whatever way we proceed, this is forever denied us.
-- Sir James Jeans

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
-- Paul Dirac

In scientific work, those who refuse to go beyond fact rarely get as far as fact.
-- Thomas H. Huxley

Insecure people have a special sensitivity for anything that finally confirms their own low opinion of themselves.
-- Sue Grafton

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
-- Cora Harvey Armstrong

Inspiration could be called inhaling the memory of an act never experienced.
-- Ned Rorem

In spite of all romantic poets sing,
This gold, my dearest, is an useful thing.
-- Mary Leapor

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.
-- Edith Wharton

Instant opinion is an oxymoron. You don't get real opinions in an instant. You get reactions.
-- Ellen Goodman

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
-- Jack Handey

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
-- Lewis Grizzard

Institutions provide procedures through which human conduct is patterned, compelled to go, in grooves deemed desirable by society. And this trick is performed by making these grooves appear to the individual as the only possible ones.
-- Peter L. Berger

In strategy the longest way round is often the shortest way there -- a direct approach to the object exhausts the attacker and hardens the resistance by compression, whereas an indirect approach loosens the defender's hold by upsetting his balance
-- B.H. Liddell Hart

Intellect distinguishes between the possible and the impossible; reason distinguishes between the sensible and the senseless. Even the possible can be senseless.
-- Max Born

Intellectual brilliance is no guarantee against being dead wrong.
-- David Fasold

Intellectuals are people who believe that ideas are of more importance than values. That is to say, their own ideas and other people's values.
-- Gerald Brenan

[International law] doesn't show what the Constitution originally meant, and it doesn't show what is fundamentally important to Americans today. It shows what's fundamentally important to somebody else today.
-- Antonin Scalia

In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts bring sad thoughts to the mind.
-- William Wordsworth

In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.
-- Thomas Szasz

In the concert of life, nobody gets a program.
-- Dutch Proverb

In the country of the blind the one-eyed man is king.
-- Erasmus

In the days before newspapers, and among people who could not have read them even if they had existed, the folk song was a kind of chronicle and running commentary on the times. Many folk songs have lived for hundreds of years, while nothing is more dead than yesterday's newspaper.
-- Cisco Houston

In the end, the difference between Conservatism and Liberalism seems to be this: the Conservative thinks of liberty as something to be preserved, the Liberal thinks of it as something to be enlarged.
-- Clinton Rossiter

In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
-- Martin Mull

In the factory we make cosmetics; in the store we sell hope.
-- Charles Revson

In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.
-- Ann Landers

In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls.
-- Lenny Bruce

In the legal arena, material misrepresentations of fact are called 'fraud.' In Washington, such misrepresentations are called 'politics'.
-- Ken Connor

In the lives of men and women who rise high in the world, there is a moment, while they are passing from obscurity to consequence, that is perhaps the most satisfying they will ever know. The difficulties of the old life are being abandoned; the difficulties of the new are still unknown.
-- Maurice Zolotow

In the long term we can hope that religion will change the nature of man and reduce conflict. But history is not encouraging in this respect. The bloodiest wars in history have been religious wars.
-- Richard M. Nixon

In the matter of animals I love only cats, but I love them unreasonably for their qualities and in spite of their numerous faults. I have only one, but I could not live without a cat.
-- J.K. Huysmans

In the mind of the beginner, there are many possibilities. In the mind of the expert there are few.
-- Shunryu Suzuki

In the name of noble purposes men have committed unspeakable acts of cruelty against one another.
-- J. William Fulbright

In the opinion of the world, marriage ends all, as it does in a comedy. The truth is precisely the opposite: it begins all.
-- Anne Sophie Swetchine

In theory, if a gun is left at the scene of a crime, licensing and registration will allow a gun to be traced back to its owner. But, amazingly, despite police spending tens of thousands of man-hours administering these laws ... there is not even a single case where the laws have been instrumental in identifying someone who has committed a crime.
-- John R. Lott

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
-- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true.
-- John Lilly

In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are prepared.
-- Louis Pasteur

In the South they don't mind how close I get, so long as I don't get too big. In the North they don't mind how big I get, so long as I don't get too close.
-- Dick Gregory

In the world a man will often be reputed to be a man of sense, only because he is not a man of talent.
-- Sir Henry Taylor

In the world of bad movies, 'Death to Smoochy' is a towering achievement.
-- Roger Ebert

In thigh-high yellow leather boots
Plump Saphonisba strides.
Too bad that, just to hide her calves,
Two calves have lost their hides.
-- X.J. Kennedy

In this theater of man's life, it is reserved only for God and angels to be lookers-on.
-- Pythagoras

In this world it rains on the Just and the Unjust alike, but the Unjusts have the Just's umbrellas.
-- Lynne Alpern

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
-- Paul Harvey

INTOXICATED, adj. When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.

In wealth many friends; in poverty, not even relatives.
-- Japanese Proverb

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.
-- Al Forman (Baseball umpire)

I once asked an attorney who represents on of the auction houses, 'How can you sell a forged document, and yet guarantee it is authentic?' And he said 'We don't guarantee it to be authentic. We guarantee it. We sell it, and if the customer does not like it, we give them their money back.'
-- George Throckmorton, exposer of forgeries, about his dealings with the auctioneers who sell them

I once complained to my father that I didn't seem to be able to do things the same way other people did. Dad's advice? "Margo, don't be a sheep. People hate sheep. They eat sheep."
-- Margo Kaufman

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up.
-- Dean Martin

I once worked as a salesman and was very independent. I took orders from no one.
-- Jacques Barzum

I only know two tunes. One is 'Yankee Doodle,' and the other isn't.
-- Ulysses S. Grant

I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.
-- François Rabelais (Last words)

I owe my real start in life to the Library of Congress. I wandered in one day in 1929 and asked to examine a file of historical manuscripts. I was intrigued by them. When I left I took along with me as a souvenir a pay warrant dated 1786, signed by Benjamin Franklin when he was president of Pennsylvania. It wasn't stealing, really, because the Library of Congress belongs to the people, and I'm one of the people.
-- Joseph Cosey

I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
-- Michael McShane

I personally call the type of government which can be removed without violence 'democracy,' and the other, 'tyranny'.
-- Karl Popper

I played third base like Brooks ... Mel Brooks.
-- Andy Van Slyke

I prefer fast food.
-- Rocky Bridges (Why he doesn't eat snails)

I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest.
-- Alexandre Dumas

I promise to keep on living as though I expected to live forever. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up wrinkles the soul.
-- General Douglas MacArthur

I read a book that says if you want to keep sex hot, you tell the other person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
-- Elayne Boosler

I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.
-- Anna Quindlen

I realized clearly, perhaps for the first time, what strained and anxious lives dogs must lead, so emotionally involved in the world of men, whose affections they strive endlessly to secure, whose authority they are expected unquestioningly to obey, and whose mind they never can do more than imperfectly reach and comprehend.
-- J.R. Ackerley

I really think that effective acting has to do literally with the movement of molecules.
-- Glenn Close

I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.
-- Lady Astor

I regard consensus science as an extremely pernicious development that ought to be stopped cold in its tracks. Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already settled. Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had.
-- Michael Crichton

I remember I was walking home from kindergarten one day, well, they told me it was kindergarten, I found out later I'd been working in a factory for 2 years.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part.
-- Garry Shandling

I remember Tallulah (Bankhead) telling of going into a public ladies' room and discovering there was no toilet tissue. She looked underneath the booth and said to the lady in the next stall, 'I beg your pardon, do you happen to have any toilet tissue in there?' The lady said no. So Tallulah said, 'Well, then, dahling, do you have two fives for a ten?'
-- Ethel Merman

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.
-- Simon Munnery

I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.
-- Leo Kessler

Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
-- Douglas Hofstadter

Irrelevancy is not an insult. In a vulgar society, it can be a virtue.
-- Philip Kennicott

Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
-- Michael McClary

I said once in some interview that every word she writes is a lie, including 'and' and 'the.'
-- Mary McCarthy (about Lillian Hellman)

I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we are making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."
-- Joan Rivers

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

I see it is impossible for the King to have things done as cheap as other men.
-- Samuel Pepys

I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.
-- Isaac Newton

I see the President and the First Lady are not here -- probably someplace testifying.
-- Don Imus (re the Clintons)

I see therapy as a substitute for friendship. I see it as a commentary on the impersonality of society that people have to pay someone to tell them their troubles.
-- Jon Winokur

I see too many men delay their exits with a sickly, slow reluctance to leave the stage. It's bad theater as well as bad living.
-- John Steinbeck

I seldom wonder whether all cell phone users are in fact smart schizophrenics who have come upon an elegant and socially acceptable way of speaking to themselves.
-- Arunava Banerjee

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
-- Ian Fleming

I simply cannot understand the passion that some people have for making themselves thoroughly uncomfortable and then boasting about it afterwards.
-- Patricia Moyes

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
-- Stanislaw Lem

Is it really so difficult to tell a good action from a bad one? I think one usually knows right away or a moment afterward, in a horrid flash of regret.
-- Mary McCarthy

Is it said that too high a price in the lives of men was paid for this knowledge? Not by such cold calculation is human endeavor measured. Sacrifice is nobler than ease, unselfish life is consummated in lonely death, and the world is richer by the gift of suffering.
-- Emma De Long

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
-- Jerry Seinfeld

Isn't it curious that narrow-minded people are often the most thickheaded?
-- Frank Baer

Isn't it strange that stocks are the only things American's won't buy at bargain-rate prices, but will buy when they're overpriced?
-- Jerry Heaster

Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
-- Cincinnati Enquirer

I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.
-- Marrill Markoe

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5,000 at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking, what the heck, you only live once.
-- Ronnie Shakes

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple

I strive on pressure.
-- Magic Johnson

I suddenly realized I was facing a crowd of politically correct, overly sensitive bikers...Not long ago, if bikers had a beef, they'd ride their Harleys into your office, lodge their complaints in person, and leave their empties on your desk. What have we come to?
-- Denis Boyles, after getting e-mail from Harley riders offended at a column of his

I support all people on earth who have bodies like and unlike my body.
-- Naomi Shihab Nye

It ain't the heat, it's the humility.
-- Yogi Berra

I take my children everywhere but they always find their way home again.
-- Robert Orben

I talk and talk and talk, and I haven't taught people in fifty years what my father taught me by example in one week.
-- Mario Cuomo

It always strikes me, and it is very peculiar, that, whenever we see the image of indescribable and unutterable desolation of loneliness, poverty, and misery, the end and extreme of things the thought of God comes into one's mind.
-- Vincent van Gogh

It does not matter how many talents we have, what matters is how we use them.
-- Paul H. Dunn

It does not take a majority to prevail ... but rather an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the minds of men.
-- Samuel Adams

It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
-- Anne Sexton

It doesn't matter who you are, or where you came from. The ability to triumph begins with you. ALWAYS.
-- Oprah Winfrey

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else.
-- Samuel Rogers

I tend over the years to have developed a certain hesitancy about believing that headlines tell the whole story.
-- Donald Rumsfeld

It has always been hard to tell where her sharp-tongued commentary on celebrity narcissism ends and her sharp-tongued narcissistic celebrity begins.
-- Nancy Franklin on Sandra Bernhard

It has been left to our generation to discover that you can move heaven and earth to save five minutes and then not have the faintest idea what to do with them when you have saved them.
-- C.E.M. Joad

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial.
-- Lazarus Long

It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.
-- Edmond About

It has to be Secure Acute Paranoia Syndrome (SAPS) when we're buying safety equipment to escape from our safety equipment.
-- Patrick Bedard, about tools to cut belts and smash windows to escape from cars

I think a man can have two, maybe three affairs while he is married. But three is the absolute maximum. After that, you're cheating.
-- Yves Montand

I think, at a child's birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
-- Stephen W. Hawking

I think it makes women feel better to find fault with other women. I do that, too.
-- Tyra Banks

I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.
-- Claire Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate

I think making us go through the hell of filing [our taxes] is like making prisoners dig their own graves.
-- Gil Milbauer

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
-- Jay McInerney

I think nudity onscreen is disgusting, shameful and unpatriotic. But if I were 22, with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic, and a progressive, religious experience.
-- Shelley Winters

I think one must be careful in assuming that intellectuals have some kind of insight. In fact, if the track record of intellectuals is any indication, not only have intellectuals been wrong almost all of the time, but they have been wrong in corrosive and destructive ways.
-- Sander L. Gilman

I think people who go to a psychiatrist ought to have their heads examined.
-- Jane Sherwood

I think space exploration is very important. I think there is very intelligent life on Mars. I believe that Martians are spying on us from the bottom of the ocean.
-- Annabella Sciorra (On her part in a TV sci-fi show)

I think synergies are a lot like UFOs: Lots of people claim to have seen them, but few can actually prove they exist.
-- Bethany McLean

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
-- Monty Python

I think that, as life is action and passion, it is required of a man that he should share the passion and action of his time at peril of being judged not to have lived.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

I think that Shakespeare is a s***. Absolute s***! He may have been a genius for his time, but I just can't relate to that stuff. "Thee and thous" -- the guy sounds like a faggot.
-- Gene Simmons

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go West.'
-- Richard Jeni

I think that we have created a new kind of person in a way. We have created a child who will be so exposed to the media that he will be lost to his parents by the time he is 12.
-- David Bowie

I think the entire administration agrees that no decision has been made yet.
-- George Stephanopoulos

I think the first song I ever wrote ... was called "Can't Help Thinking About Me." That's an illuminating little piece, isn't it?
-- David Bowie

I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous -- economics and sex. By and large, it's all been tried before, and if it's new it's probably illegal or unhealthy.
-- Felix Rohatyn

I think, therefore Descartes exists.
-- Saul Steinberg

I think there is something more important than believing: Action! The world is full of dreamers; there aren't enough who will move ahead and begin to take concrete steps to actualize their vision.
-- W. Clement Stone

I think the reward for conformity is everyone likes you but yourself.
-- Rita Mae Brown

I think the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
-- Charles Barkley

I think the world is run by C students.
-- Al McGuire

I think war is based in greed and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow. I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.
-- Sheryl Crow

I think you can be an honest person and lie about any number of things.
-- Dan Rather

I thought E.T. was more believable.
-- Meteorologist Fred Ostby (About the film Twister)

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: "Oh well," and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.
-- Benny Hill

I thought I had it. I was twisting around like this. It grazed my glove, hit me on the head, and bounced over. I'll be on ESPN for about a month.
-- Jose Canseco

It is a blind goose that cometh to the fox's sermon.
-- John Lyly

It is a characteristic of all movements and crusades that the psychopathic element rises to the top.
-- Robert Lindner

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.
-- Rose Macaulay

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, 'launder' became a dirty word.
-- William Zinsser

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
-- P.G. Wodehouse

It is a good thing to learn caution from the misfortunes of others.
-- Publilius Syrus

It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.
-- Cato

It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.
-- Richard Armour

It is a mark of many famous people that they cannot part with their finest hour.
-- Lillian Hellman

It is amazing how little effort most people make to improve control of their attention. If reading a book seems too difficult, instead of sharpening concentration we tend to set it aside and instead turn on the television, which not only requires minimal attention, but in fact tends to diffuse what little it commands with choppy editing, commercial interruptions, and generally inane content.
-- Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

It is an almost infallible rule that the more permissive a person is on social and moral issues the more in favour they are of strict gun control.
-- Michael Coren

It is appropriate here to recall that the so-called Dark Ages began with the flight of the individuals into the protection of lords or chapters and came to an end when the individual again found it to his advantage to set forth on his own. We live at a time when everything conspires to push the individual into the fold.
-- Bertrand de Jouvenal

It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive as that in support of an affirmative.
-- 254 Pac. Rep. 472

It is as absurd to argue men, as to torture them, into believing.
-- John Henry Newman

It is at night that faith in light is admirable.
-- Edmond Rostand

It is a trick among the dishonest to offer sacrifices that are not needed, or not possible, to avoid making those that are required.
-- Ivan Goncharov

It is a very long and very difficult road from a fact to a conclusion. But it is a million times longer from a theory to a fact.
-- Bill James

It is a very rare man who does not victimize the helpless.
-- James Baldwin

It is bad luck to be superstitious.
-- Andrew W. Mathis

It is bad to be oppressed by a minority, but it is worse to be oppressed by a majority.
-- Lord Acton

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
-- Henry Allen

It is better to bear the ills we have than to fly to others we know not of.
-- James Buchanan

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
-- Mae West

It is better to entertain an idea than to take it home to live with you for the rest of your life.
-- Randall Jarrell

It is better to fall among crows than flatterers; for those devour only the dead -- these the living.
-- Antisthenes

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
-- Phillip Gibbs

It is better to have a lion at the head of an army of sheep than a sheep at the head of an army of lions.
-- Daniel Defoe

It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but the result's the same.
-- Mike Dennison

It is by what we ourselves have done, and not by what others have done for us, that we shall be remembered in after ages.
-- Francis Wayland

It is criminal to steal a purse, daring to steal a fortune, a mark of greatness to steal a crown. The blame diminishes as the guilt increases.
-- Friedrich von Schiller

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.
-- Eugene McCarthy

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
-- Upton Sinclair

It is difficult to love mankind unless one has a reasonable private income, and when one has a reasonable private income one has better things to do than loving mankind.
-- Hugh Kingsmill

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling

It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.
-- Robert H. Goddard

It is easier to bear a child once a year than to shave every day.
-- Russian Proverb

It is easier to divorce my wife of 26 years than to fire someone I hired one week ago. The person I hire has more legal clout ... than my wife of 26 years. That's wrong.
-- Judge Randall Hekman

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-- Alfred Adler

It is easier to talk about money -- and much easier to talk about sex -- than it is to talk about power. People who have it deny it; people who want it do not want to appear to hunger for it; and people who engage in its machinations do so secretly.
-- Rosabeth Moss Kanter

It is easy to be independent when you've got money. But to be independent when you haven't got a thing -- that's the Lord's test.
-- Mahalia Jackson

It is easy to be tolerant of the principles of other people if you have none of your own.
-- Herbert Samuel

It is easy to build a philosophy -- it doesn't have to run.
-- Charles F. Kettering

It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.
-- Aeschylus

It is foolish to wait for your ship to come in unless you have sent one out.
-- Alfred A. Montapert

It is from weakness that people reach for dictators and concentrated government power. Only the strong can be free. And only the productive can be strong.
-- Wendell Willkie

It is good taste, and good taste alone, that possesses the power to sterilize and is always the first handicap to any creative functioning.
-- Salvadore Dali

It is good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure you haven't lost the things that money can't buy.
-- George Horace Lorimer

It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
-- Sally Kempton

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
-- William G. McAdoo

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

It is inevitable, that eventually the people will demand absolute security from the state... And absolute security is absolute slavery.
-- Taylor Caldwell

It is in great part the anxiety of being a woman that devastates the feminine body.
-- Simone de Beauvoir

It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won't save us any more than love did.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

It is in vain to hope to please all alike. Let a man stand with his face in what direction he will, he must necessarily turn his back on one half of the world.
-- George D. Prentice

It is just when opinions universally prevail and we have added lip service to their authority that we become sometimes most keenly conscious that we do not believe a word that we are saying.
-- Virginia Woolf

It is less important to redistribute wealth than it is to redistribute opportunity.
-- Arthur H. Vandenberg

It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels.
-- Finley Peter Dunne

It is my settled opinion, after some years as a political correspondent, that no one is attracted to a political career in the first place unless he is socially or emotionally crippled.
-- Auberon Waugh

It is never too late to become reasonable and wise.
-- Immanuel Kant

It is no accident that Hitler, Lenin, Pol Pot and other butchers of note took special pains early in their despotic careers to suppress religion and undermine the traditional family. Theophobes would find such a characterization truly horrifying, but it's true. This explains why theophobia -- while popular in faculty lounges, journalism seminars and Hollywood bacchanals -- has not and probably never will attract a public following of any appreciable influence or size.
-- Tony Snow

It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value.
-- Stephen W. Hawking

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
-- Agnes Repplier

It is not enough to do good; one must do it the right way.
-- John, Lord Morley

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.

It is not marriage that fails; it is people that fail. All that marriage does is to show people up.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

It is not possible to make a bad law. If it is bad, it is not a law.
-- Carrie Nation

It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us.
-- Epicurus

It is not that pearls fetch a high price because men have dived for them; but on the contrary, men dive for them because they fetch a high price.
-- Richard Whately

It is not the greatness of a man's means that makes him independent, so much as the smallness of his wants.
-- William Cobbett

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
-- Charles Darwin

It is not true that equality is a law of nature. Nature has no equality. Its sovereign law is subordination and dependence.
-- Marquis de Vauvenargues

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another...It's one damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
-- G.H. Hardy

It is no use to blame the looking glass if your face is awry.
-- Nikolai Gogol

It is now life and not art that requires the willing suspension of disbelief.
-- Lionel Trilling

It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
-- Alan Alda

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.
-- Errol Flynn

It is often wonderful how putting down on paper a clear statement of a case helps one to see, not perhaps the way out, but the way in.
-- Arthur Christopher Benson

It is one of man's curious idiosyncrasies to create difficulties for the pleasure of resolving them.
-- Joseph Marie de Maistre

It is one of the painful ironies of this war that one of the most anti-war cities in the nation, San Francisco, is being disproportionally harmed by the tactics of the anti-war protesters.
-- Mayor Willie Brown

It is one of the paradoxes of American literature that our writers are forever looking back with love and nostalgia at lives they couldn't wait to leave.
-- Anatole Broyard

It is one of the strange ironies of this strange life that those who work the hardest, who subject themselves to the strictest discipline, who give up certain pleasurable things in order to achieve a goal, are the happiest men. When you see 20 or 30 men line up for a distance race in some meet, don't pity them, don't feel sorry for them. Better envy them instead.
-- Brutus Hamilton

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.
-- Margaret Bonnano

It is only those who do nothing who make no mistakes.
-- Peter Kropotkin

It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.
-- Leo Buscaglia

It is patently irresponsible in this day and age to question the motives behind a policy driven by and recommended by security experts.
-- Philadelphia Eagles president Joe Banner (defending the decision to ban outside food)

It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated.
-- Alex Bourne

It is pretty hard to talk about responsibility unless you have exercised it yourself.
-- Bill Clinton, 1987

It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.
-- Giordano Bruno

It is rather a pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.
-- Willie Sutton

It is right to be contented with what we have, never with what we are.
-- James Mackintosh

It is safest to take the unpopular side in the first instance. Transit from the unpopular is easy...but from the popular to the unpopular is so steep and rugged that it is impossible to maintain it.
-- William Lamb Melbourne

It is seldom that any liberty is lost all at once
-- David Hume

It is simply untrue that all our institutions are evil...that all politicians are mere opportunists, that all aspects of university life are corrupt. Having discovered an illness, it's not terribly useful to prescribe death as a cure.
-- George McGovern

It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.
-- Ronald Knox

It is strange indeed that the more we learn about how to build health, the less healthy Americans become.
-- Adelle Davis

It is surprising what a man can do when he has to, and how little most men will do when they don't have to.
-- Walter Linn

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
-- Max Eastman

It is the denial of death that is partially responsible for people living empty, purposeless lives; for when you live as it you'll live forever, it becomes too easy to postpone the things you know that you must do.
-- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

It is the height of absurdity to sow little but weeds in the first half of one's lifetime and expect to harvest a valuable crop in the second half.
-- Percy Johnston

It is the leisured, I have noticed, who rebel the most at an interruption of routine.
-- Phyllis McGinley

It is the nature of slavery to render its victims so abject that at last, fearing to be free, they multiply their own chains. You can liberate a freeman, but you cannot liberate a slave.
-- Louis J. Halle

It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness; it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it.
-- Christian Nestell Bovee

It is the people who can do nothing who find nothing to do, and the secret to happiness in this world is not only to be useful, but to be forever elevating one's uses.
-- Sarah Orne Jewett

It is the sport that a foreigner is least likely to take to. You have to grow up playing it, you have to accept the lore of the bubble gum card, and believe that if the answer to the Mays-Mantle-Snider question is found, then the universe will be a simpler and more ordered place.
-- David Halberstam

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.
-- Simon Munnery

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
-- Scott Elledge (on his retirement as a Professor at Cornell)

It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
-- Stephen Leacock

It is true that we are weak and sick and ugly and quarrelsome but if that is all we ever were, we would millenniums ago have disappeared from the face of the earth.
-- John Steinbeck

It is unfair to believe everything we hear about lawyers. Some of it might not be true.
-- Gerald F. Lieberman

It is unfortunate, considering that enthusiasm moves the world, that so few enthusiasts can be trusted to tell the truth.
-- Stanley Baldwin

[I]t is unfortunately in the nature of the academic career structure that there are always more people needing to say things than there are things that need to be said.
-- Michael Rosenthal

It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion.
-- William Inge

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
-- John Andrew Holmes

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
-- Roger Babson

It is with government as with medicine, its only business is the choice of evils. Every law is an evil, for every law is an infraction of liberty.
-- Jeremy Bentham

It may be that without a vision men shall die. It is no less true that, without hard practical sense, they shall also die. Without Jefferson the new nation might have lost its soul. Without Hamilton it would assuredly have been killed in body.
-- James Truslow Adams

It may be true there are 2 sides to every question, but it is also true there are 2 sides to a sheet of flypaper and it makes a big difference to the fly which side he chooses.
-- Benjamin So

It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be.
-- Vergil

I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you?'
-- Eddie Eichorn (White Sox owner)

I told him I wasn't tired. He told me, "No, but the outfielders sure are."
-- Jim Kern (Describing when a manager removed him for a reliever)

I told my girl friend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, "Get off me."
-- Garry Shandling

I told one of my HMO patients to go get a tonsillectomy, and now he's mad because he thought I said 'appendectomy' and got his appendix removed instead. I guess I should really look into getting my drive-thru speaker fixed.
-- Curtis Matthews

I told the doctor I was overtired, anxiety-ridden, compulsively active, constantly depressed, with recurring fits of paranoia. Turns out I'm normal.
-- Jules Feiffer

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.
-- Jack Benny

It puzzles me how they know what corners are good for filling stations. Just how did they know gas and oil was under there?
-- Dizzy Dean

It rarely adds anything to say, "In my opinion" -- not even modestly. Naturally a sentence is only your opinion; and you are not the Pope.
-- Paul Goodman

I tried phone sex once. I got an ear infection.
-- Richard Lewis

I try to dumb down out there. They tell you to stay within yourself, so that's what I do. Mentally, I'm not gonna out-think myself too often.
-- John Kruk

It's about time that people forget that image of strip clubs as seedy places...Rather, today's clubs are capital-intensive female-empowerment zones...
-- Demi Moore

It's a good thing Babe Ruth isn't here. If he was, George Steinbrenner would have him bat seventh and say he's overweight.
-- Graig Nettles

It's a good thing I stayed in Cincinnati for four years -- It took me that long to learn how to spell it.
-- Rocky Bridges

It's a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don't quit when you're tired you quit when the gorilla is tired.
-- Robert Strauss

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off, and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
-- Tom Antion

It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
-- Michael Arlen

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

It's an existential action film...Screenplay by Sartre. Dialogue by Camus.
-- Sylvester Stallone (describing Assassins)

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.
-- Dick Cavett

It's a real conflict for me when I go to a concert and find out somebody in the audience is a Republican or fundamental Christian. It can cloud my enjoyment. I'd rather not know.
-- Linda Ronstadt

It's a spiritual message. And, forgive me, but I think it's almost a deeply religious message on a very personal level.
-- Joe Eszterhaus, about his film Showgirls

"It's a summons."
"What's a summons?"
"It means summon's in trouble."
-- Rocky and Bullwinkle

It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand.
-- Suze Orman

It's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone.
-- Frasier

It's easiest to ride a horse in the direction it's going.
-- Terry L. Paulson

It seldom pays to be rude. It never pays to be only half-rude.
-- Norman Douglas

It's enough for you to do it once for a few men to remember you. But if you do it year after year, then many people remember you and they tell it to their children, and their children and grandchildren remember and, if it concerns books, they can read them. And if it's good enough, it will last as long as there are human beings.
-- Ernest Hemingway

It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
-- Jimi Hendrix

It's got to be the going, not the getting there, that's good.
-- Harry Chapin

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
-- Geoge Burns

It's hard lessons to the rulers
When they hold a captive race
You cannot reach a man's heart
When you're stepping on his face.
-- Peter LaFarge

It's hard to beat a person who never gives up.
-- Babe Ruth

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

It's just like magic. When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are gone.
-- Merrill Markoe

It's much safer to obey than to rule.
-- Thomas à Kempis

It's no disgrace to be old. But damn if it isn't inconvenient.
-- Moms Mabley

It's no good starting out by thinking one is a heaven-born genius-- some people are, but very few. No, one is a tradesman -- a tradesman in a good honest trade. You must learn the technical skills, and then, within that trade, you can apply your own creative ideas, but you must submit them to the discipline of form.
-- Agatha Christie

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
-- Jackie Mason

It's not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them.
-- Isabel Colegate

It's not a million-dollar-a-year contract. We're talking about a really large sum of money.
-- Larry Bird

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-- Phil White

It's not denial... I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
-- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

It's not dying for faith that's so hard, it's living up to it.
-- William Makepeace Thackeray

It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man.
-- Miranda Ingram

It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people.
-- Bryant Gumbel

It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it.
-- Lena Horne

It's not your circumstances that shape you, it's how you react to your circumstances.
-- Anne Ortlund

It's often the case that when a critic uses an embarrassingly accurate term to describe what a wrong-doer is doing, the wrong-doer protests: "Why don't you use my white-washed, conscience-soothing euphemism?" Such euphemisms, they claim, help promote "civilized debate."
-- Steve Kangas

It's one thing to have talent. It's another to figure out how to use it.
-- Roger Miller

It sounds vain, but I could probably make a difference for almost everyone I ever met if I chose to involve myself with them either professionally or personally.
-- Kevin Costner

It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.
-- Axl Rose

[I]t's really pretty simple: In the previous XXXVI Super Bowls, the team that scored the most points won.
-- David Whitley

It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it.
-- Julia Child (on nouvelle cuisine)

It's so easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
-- Jack Handey

It's surprising how much of memory is built around things unnoticed at the time.
-- Barbara Kingsolver

It's the priests who have demands, not the gods.
-- Stanislaw Lem

"It's today!" said Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.
-- A.A. Milne

It's too late to pray when the devil comes; it's too late once he's there.
-- David Holt

It strikes me as gruesome and comical that in our culture we have an expectation that man can always solve his problems. This is so untrue that it makes me want to cry -- or laugh.
-- Kurt Vonnegut

It's true: the IBM has 50,000 programs available which you will never use, while the Mac only has 10,000 programs available which you will never use.
-- Jeff Porten

It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
-- Earl Weaver

It takes about 20 years to become an overnight success.
-- Eddie Cantor

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

It takes a good deal of physical courage to ride a horse. This, however, I have. I get it at about forty cents a flask, and take it as required.
-- Stephen Leacock

It takes a long time to become young.
-- Pablo Picasso

It takes a long time to learn that a courtroom is the last place in the world for learning the truth.
-- Alice Koller

It takes a wise man to handle a lie; a fool had better remain honest.
-- Norman Douglas

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

It takes time to ruin a world, but time is all it takes.
-- Bernard le Bovier de Fontenelle

It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure.
-- Herbert Samuel

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron

It used to be that if someone spilled coffee in their lap, they simply called themselves clumsy. Today, too many people are calling themselves an attorney.
-- Robert B. Dorigo Jones

It was completely fruitless to quarrel with the world, whereas the quarrel with oneself was occasionally fruitful and always, she had to admit, interesting.
-- May Sarton

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.
-- Linda Evagelista

It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
-- Tim Conway

It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
-- James Dent

It was really an occupational disease, endemic among social service workers. Just as the people they worked with soon came to regard things given them or done for them as no more -- indeed, a little less -- than their inalienable right, the distributors of the largess soon stopped seeing themselves as officers administering a trust. The funds and facilities put at their disposal became, if not their own property, at least their prerogative. The money was there. Somebody was going to get it. So why not those whom they personally liked and favored?
-- James Gould Cozzens

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.
-- John Von Neumann, 1949

I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
-- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

I used to be very hands-on, but lately I've been more hands-off and I plan to become more hands-on and less hands-off and hope that hands-on will become better than hands-off, the way hands-on used to be.
-- George Steinbrenner

I used to feel that all I ever did was take from my father: "Dad, my heater's not working." "Dad, I need help building the shed." "Dad, can you lend me money for a car?" Now he has a computer. Things are evening up quickly.
-- Den Schlaf

I used to tell my employees "Call me if you have a problem." Now I say "If you run into a problem you can't handle, call me." The number of calls has dropped by 90 percent.
-- Don Hagerman

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image, I was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a great vocabulary.
-- Jules Feiffer

I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am.
-- Samantha Fox

I've always believed in writing without a collaborator, because where two people are writing the same book, each believes he gets all the worries and only half the royalties.
-- Agatha Christie

I've always wondered if there was a Hezbollah version of minesweeper where you get points for blowing up on your first move.
-- James Lileks

I've been married to one Marxist and one fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.
-- Lee Grant

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
-- Totie Fields

I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.
-- Cher

I've decided to get into shape, and the shape I've selected is a triangle.
-- Howie Mandel

I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.
-- New York City detective

I've got my faults, but living in the past isn't one of them. There's no future in it.
-- Sparky Anderson

I've got taste. It's inbred in me.
-- David Hasselhof

I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
-- Errol Flynn (Last words)

I've had a pretty good success facing Stan (Musial) by throwing him my best pitch and backing up third base.
-- Carl Erskine

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
-- Irvin S. Cobb

I've known some actors who were intelligent, but the better the actor, the more stupid he is.
-- Truman Capote

I've learned any fool can write a bad ad, but it takes a real genius to keep his hands off a good one.
-- Leo Burnett

I've made some great ones. Risky Business still stands up. It's timeless. They study that film in film school.
-- Rebecca DeMornay

I've married a few people I shouldn't have, but haven't we all?
-- Mamie van Doren

I've never been poor, only broke. Being poor is a frame of mind. Being broke is only a temporary situation.
-- Mike Todd

I've never felt better.
-- Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (Last words)

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, college basketball player

I've never written a political song. Songs can't save the world. I've gone through all that.
-- Bob Dylan

I've read the Revelations but I'm not worried in the least
I've got 3 six packs of Old Milwaukee's Best and the number of the beast.
-- Adam Carroll

I've seen more convincing wigs on William Shatner.
-- John Larroquette

I wanted my anger to be valid, and the only way to do that is to be fairly attractive.
-- Courtney Love

I want to be governor [of Texas] because I need the closet space.
-- Kinky Friedman

I was a failure in Boston...because they thought I was too fashionable to be intelligent, and a failure in New York because they were afraid I was too intelligent to be fashionable.
-- Edith Wharton

I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our fifty-two states.
-- Raquel Welch

I was brought up among the sort of self-important women who had a husband as one has an alibi.
-- Anita Brookner

I was brought up to believe that what is out-of-doors should stay there and not be encouraged in any way.
-- Gore Vidal

I was clever enough to know that John Donne was offering something that was awfully enjoyable. I just wasn't clever enough to actually enjoy it.
-- Wallace Shawn

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, "What the hell good would that do?"
-- Ronnie Shakes

I was involved in the Great Folk Music scare back in the sixties, when it almost caught on.
-- Martin Mull

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.
-- Peter Ustinov

I wasn't born in a log cabin, but my family moved into one as soon as they could afford it.
-- Melville D. Landon

I was promised on a time
To have reason for my rhyme;
From that time unto this season,
I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
-- Edmund Spenser

I was thinking of making a comeback until I pulled a muscle -- vacuuming.
-- Johnny Bench

I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
-- Petronius Arbiter

I was very hungry at a very young age. Starving. Out of my mind. Wanted to do everything I'd ever seen in the movies and more...I'd just think "What a waste of time, not being a slut!"
-- Kim Basinger

I was walking down the street the other day and this guy called me a chink. I was so offended! My family are from Korea. I'm a gook! I mean, can't the guy get himself a redneck-to-English dictionary or something? If you are gonna be a racist, at least get the terminology right.
-- Margaret Cho

I watched a small man with thick calluses on both hands work fifteen and sixteen hours a day. I saw him once literally bleed from the bottoms of his feet, a man who came here uneducated, alone, unable to speak the language, who taught me all I needed to know about faith and hard work by the simple eloquence of his example.
-- Mario Cuomo

I watched my head rolling on the floor. It landed face up and a big tear came out of one eye.
-- Shirley MacLaine (describing her beheading in an earlier life)

I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.
-- Simon Munnery

I weigh the man, not his title; 'tis not the king's stamp can make the metal better.
-- William Wycherley

I went for years not finishing anything. Because, of course, when you finish something you can be judged... I had poems which were re-written so many times I suspect it was just a way of avoiding sending them out.
-- Erica Jong

I went on a diet, then I had to go on another diet at the same time. One diet wasn't giving me enough food.
-- Barry Marter

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then."
-- Margaret Smith

I went through Cleveland once and it was closed.
-- Jay Johnston

I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob.
-- Danny Hillis

I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said I will be so brief I have already finished, and he sat down.
-- Edward O. Wilson

I will clean house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
-- Roseanne Barr

I will feel equality has arrived when we can elect to office women who are as incompetent as some of the men who are already there.
-- Maureen Reagan

I will never do Pulp [Fiction] 2 but having said that, I could very well do other movies with these characters.
-- Quentin Tarantino

I will perish this trophy forever.
-- Johnny Logan, Baseball Player

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.
-- Jack Handey

I wish I had gotten as much in bed as I got in the newspapers.
-- Linda Ronstadt

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
-- Tom Lehrer

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence. They got one marked brightness, but it don't work.
-- Gallagher

I wore [a tie] once and got married. That didn't work. I wore another one and got married again. That didn't work either. Ties scare me.
-- Dennis McLain-Furmanski

I worship the quicksand he walks in.
-- Art Buchwald

I would be content being a housewife if I could find the kind of man who wouldn't treat me like one.
-- Terry McMillan

I would hate to have gone through life as a beautiful woman because they all too often get discounted.
-- Dick Armey

I would I could stand on a busy corner, hat in hand, and beg people to throw me all their wasted hours.
-- Bernard Berenson

I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog -- without being expected to take it home with me.
-- Frank A. Clark

I would like to meet Mikhail Gorbachev. I think it would be great to sit in a room with him...and try to make peace.
-- Donnie Wahlberg

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky

I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.
-- Cato

I would never use a long word where a short one would answer the purpose. I know there are professors in this country who "ligate" arteries. Other surgeons only tie them, and it stops the bleeding as well.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

I wouldn't have filmed The Color Purple if the book had been a big fat novel. The reason I read it is because it is thin.
-- Steven Spielberg

I would rather be able to appreciate things I can't have than to have things I am not able to appreciate.
-- Ernest Hemingway

I would rather go while I am being urged to stay, than to stay beyond the time when I should go.
-- John Major

I would rather lose in a cause that I know some day will triumph than to triumph in a cause that I know some day will fail.
-- Wendell Willkie

I would rather see the United States respected than loved by other nations.
-- Henry Cabot Lodge

I would think being my old lady would be all the satisfaction or career any woman needs.
-- Mick Jagger

I would think I drive most hitting coaches crazy. During one single at-bat I used six different stances on six pitches. Oh yeah, I also struck out. So what do I know?
-- John Kruk

I write science fiction every day at work, and each story begins with the phrase 'this software is easy to use.'
-- Stephen Schlich

I write to escape ... to escape poverty.
-- Edgar Rice Burroughs

Jargon seems to be the place where the right brain and the left brain meet.
-- Wendy Kaminer

Jazz will endure as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains.
-- John Philip Sousa

Jennifer Lopez allegedly got married Saturday. The future ex is singer/actor Marc Anthony. Not counting her very public affairs with celebrities, Lopez has been married to two other men for a combined 21 months.
-- Ward Triplett

Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.
-- Argus Hamilton

John Major is what he is: a man from nowhere, going nowhere, heading for a well-merited obscurity as fast as his mediocre talents can carry him.
-- Paul Johnson

Journalism: A profession whose business is to explain to others what it personally does not understand.
-- Lord Northcliffe

Journalism consists of buying white paper at two cents a pound and selling it at ten cents a pound.
-- Charles Dana

Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips, bidding adieu.
-- John Keats

Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.
-- P.G. Wodehouse

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
-- The Dali Lama

Juliet's so happy and in love, but at the same time so sad and lonely. She's totally neurotic. I could really relate.
-- Alicia Silverstone

Just as appetite comes by eating, so work brings inspiration, if inspiration is not discernible at the beginning.
-- Igor Stravinsky

Just as long as I can remember
Every four years about November
Folks that wouldn't talk to me on the street
Are coming in my house and wiping their feet
Kissing my wife, kissing my babies
Well I guess they'd even kiss my old mule
If it hasn't voted for Roosevelt
-- Si Kahn

Just as the baby boom generation seemed to believe it was the first to discover sex, many of its members also seemed to think they were the first to discover the horrors of war.
-- Mona Charen

Just as we believe there is no physical malady that can't be cured through medicine, so we seem to think there's no emotional or spiritual malady that can't be cured through psychology of sociology or some other social science.
-- William A. Schambra

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
-- Pericles

Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean you are a mistake.
-- Georgette Mosbacher

Just because you're moving fast doesn't mean you're going somewhere.
-- Yvonne Bowers

Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.
-- Dick Gregory

Justice is like a train that is nearly always late.
-- Yevgeny Yevtushenko

Justice is the bread of the nation; it is always hungry for it.
-- François de Chateaubriand

Justice is too good for some people and not good enough for the rest.
-- Norman Douglas

Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get crucified in the morning.
-- Ian Anderson

Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.
-- Francis Rodman

Keep a secret, it's your slave. Tell it, and it's your master.
-- Will Henry

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

Ken Lay's testimony before Congress is being referred to as the story of "take the money Enron."
-- Bob Hirschfeld

Kerry wants to run as a man of the people, and where do they put him for photo opportunities? Snowboarding in Sun Valley, shooting skeet in the Ohio valley, and windsurfing off that great working-class vacation paradise, Nantucket.
-- Gerald Austin

Kindness is the glue that holds together the world.
-- Bill Adams

Kings stand more in need of the company of the intelligent than the intelligent do of the society of kings.
-- Sadi

Knowing that everything comes to an end is a gift of experience, a consolation gift for knowing that we ourselves are coming to an end. Before we get it we live in a continuous present, and imagine the future as more of that present. Happiness is endless happiness, innocent of its own sure passing. Pain is endless pain.
- Tobias Wolff

Knowledge is a process of piling up facts; wisdom lies in their simplification.
-- Martin Henry Fischer

Knowledge is knowing as little as possible.
-- Charles Bukowski

Knowledge is more a matter of learning than of the exercise of absolute judgment. Learning requires time, and in time the situation dealt with, as well as the learner, undergoes change.
-- Frank H. Knight

Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
-- Henry N. Camp

Label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use 'while sleeping or unconscious.'
-- www.mlaw.org

Labor disgraces no man, but occasionally men disgrace labor.
-- Ulysses S. Grant

Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
-- Joey Ramone

LA doesn't have the heart of a paper cup.
-- Raymond Chandler

Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.
-- Paul Tillich

Language is a mixture of statement and evocation.
-- Elizabeth Bowen

Language is power, life and the instrument of culture, the instrument of domination and liberation.
-- Angela Carter

Language is the apparel in which your thoughts parade in public. Never clothe them in vulgar and shoddy attire.
-- Dr. George W. Crane

Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
-- Lord Kelvin

Last, but by no means least, courage -- moral courage, the courage of one's convictions, the courage to see things through. The world is in a constant conspiracy against the brave. It's the age-old struggle -- the roar of the crowd on one side and the voice of your conscience on the other.
-- General Douglas MacArthur

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
-- Ron Fairly, Baseball Announcer

Last week I got a $5000 home improvement loan from my bank. I'm sending the kids to college.
-- Tom Antion

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
-- Anthony Burgess

Laugh at yourself first before anyone else can.
-- Elsa Maxwell

Laughter is much more important than applause. Applause is almost a duty. Laughter is a reward.
-- Carol Channing

Law not served by power is an illusion; but power not ruled by law is a menace which our nuclear age cannot afford.
-- Arthur Goldberg

Law school taught me one thing: how to take two situations that are exactly the same and show how they are different.
-- Hart Pomerantz

Lawyers are like beavers, they get in the middle of the stream and dam it up.
-- Donald Rumsfeld

Lawyers are like morticians. We all need one sooner or later, but better later than sooner.
-- Eileen Goudge

Lawyers are like nuclear warheads. I have them because the other guy has them, but the first time you use them it f**ks everything up.
-- Danny Devito, Other People's Money

Lawyers are... operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must pass.
-- Jane Bryant Quinn

Lawyers are the only persons for whom ignorance of the law is not punished.
-- Jeremy Bentham

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.
-- Charles Lamb

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Lay hold of something that will help you, and then use it to help somebody else.
-- Booker T. Washington

Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and smaller -- and there are many more of them.
-- John Naisbitt

Leadership is action, not position.
-- Donald H. McGannon

Leadership is getting someone to do what they don't want to do in order to achieve what they want to achieve.
-- Tom Landry

Lead us in a few words of silent prayer.
-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach

Learn as much by writing as by reading.
-- Lord Acton

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.
-- Alan J. Perlis

Learning is always rebellion...Every bit of new truth discovered is revolutionary to what was believed before.
-- Margaret Lee Runbeck

Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival.
-- W. Edwards Deming

Learning to write is the hardest, most important thing any child does. Learning to write is learning to think.
-- Carlos Baker

Learn to say "I don't know." If used when appropriate, it will be often.
-- Donald Rumsfeld

Learn to say no. It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.
-- Charles H. Spurgeon

Leave no worry unworried.
-- Ellen Hegarty

Leave off wishing to deserve any thanks from anyone, thinking that anyone can ever become grateful.
-- Catullus

Let him that would move the world, first move himself.
-- Socrates

Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.
-- James Estes

Let me be dressed fine as I will,
Flies, worms, and flowers exceed me still.
-- Isaac Watts

Let me get this straight. The owners are about to shut down baseball when it's more prosperous than it's even been, and the players are the ones who have to get their urine tested?
-- Ron Darling (Prior to the 1990 lockout)

Let me tell you one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil.
-- Golda Meir

Let me tell you something about hypochondria: It's a pernicious, undermining little demon. It won't kill you, but it will sap the color from your life so that in the loveliest moments, the moments of grace, you are hit with that whisper in your ear that takes it all away. I'm sick, I'm dying -- I just don't know it yet.
-- Dani Shapiro

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity.
-- Louis Pasteur

Let no one accuse baseball of not being tough on drugs. During his baseball career, Steve Howe was given 7 lifetime suspensions.
-- Bill Ferraro

Let the fear of danger be a spur to prevent it; he that fears not, gives advantage to the danger.
-- Francis Quarles

Let the moment come when nothing is left but life, and you will find that you do not hesitate over the fate of material possessions.
-- Eddie Rickenbacker

Let us always remember that he does not really believe his own opinions who dares not give free scope to his opponent.
-- Wendell Phillips

Let us believe neither half of the good people tell us of ourselves, nor half the evil they say of others.
-- John Petit-Senn

Let us live as people who are prepared to die, and die as people who are prepared to live.
-- James S. Stewart

Let us make war on the phrase 'violence doesn't solve anything.' It is a lie, and anyone who utters it cannot be taken morally seriously.
-- Dennis Prager

Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen.
-- Peter Marshall

Let us not say, Every man is the architect of his own fortune; but let us say, Every man is the architect of his own character.
-- George Dana Boardman

Lex mala, lex nulla. (An evil law is no law).
-- St. Thomas Aquinas

LIBERAL, n. A man with his mind open at both ends.
-- Colin Bowles

Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be slaves of the things we do like.
-- Ernest Benn

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
-- Lord Acton

Liberty is the possibility of doubting, the possibility of making a mistake, the possibility of searching and experimenting, the possibility of saying No to any authority -- literary, artistic, philosophic, religious, social, and even political.
-- Ignazio Silone

Life at a university with its intellectual and inconclusive discussions at the postgraduate level is on the whole a bad training for the real world. Only men of very strong character surmount this handicap.
-- Sir Paul Chambers

Life? Bah! It has no value. Of cheap things it is the cheapest. Everywhere it goes begging. Nature spills it out with a lavish hand. Where there is room for one life, she sows a thousand lives, and it's life eat life till the strongest and most piggish life is left.
-- Jack London

Life begets life. Energy begets energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich.
-- Sarah Bernhardt

Life has taught me not to expect success to be the inevitable result of my endeavors. She taught me to seek sustenance from the endeavor itself, but to leave the result to God.
-- Alan Paton

Life improves slowly and goes wrong fast, and only catastrophe is clearly visible.
-- Edward Teller

Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
-- Thomas Hobbes

Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.
-- Irving Berlin

Life is a bridge. Cross over it, but build no house on it.
-- Indian Proverb

Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more important than something else. If what already is, is more important than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll.
-- Werner Erhard

Life is all about risk management.
-- Bob Moody

Life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quickly you hardly catch it going.
-- Tennessee Williams

Life is a long lesson in humility.
-- Sir James Barrie

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
-- Anaïs Nin

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
-- Jean de La Bruyère

Life is a tragedy full of joy.
-- Bernard Malamud

Life is easier than you'd think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.
-- Kathleen Norris

Life is hard. It's even harder if you're stupid.
-- John Wayne

Life is indeed precious, and I believe the death penalty helps affirm this fact.
-- Edward Koch

Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
-- Charles Schulz

Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.
-- Ross Perot

Life is like a landscape. You live in the midst of it, but can describe it only from the vantage point of distance.
-- Charles Lindbergh

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.
-- Simon Munnery

Life is not always what one wants it to be, but to make the best of it, as it is, is the only way of being happy.
-- Jennie Churchill

Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways.
-- Stephen Vincent Benét

Life is not made up of great sacrifices and duties but of little things: in which smiles and kindness given habitually are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort.
-- Sir Humphry Davy

[L]ife is not the way it's supposed to be. Life is the way it is. It's the way we cope with it that makes the difference.
-- Jean Carnahan

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.
-- William Goldman

Life is ours to be spent, not to be saved.
-- D.H. Lawrence

Life is painting a picture, not doing a sum.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
-- Isaac Asimov

Life is tough, and it's really tough when you're stupid.
-- Damon Runyon

Life itself is the proper binge.
-- Julia Child

Life's unfairness is not irrevocable; we can help balance the scales for others, if not always for ourselves.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

Like anything in these days of controversy, this commission, privately organized, got into a controversial situation. We decided not to pursue a request for funding from either the Executive or Congress. It was bound to be controversial.
-- Nelson Rockefeller (explaining why his Commission on Critical Choices would not ask for federal money)

Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey, since they make it? It can only be vanity.
-- Simon Munnery

Like dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment.
-- Jean Baudrillard

Like many supermodels, I won't get out of bed for less than £3000. Unlike many supermodels, I don't get out of bed very often.
-- Simon Munnery

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut

Like stones, words are laborious and unforgiving, and the fitting of them together, like the fitting of stones, demands great patience and strength of purpose and particular skill.
-- Edmund Morrison

Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
-- Alan McKay

Like warmed-up cabbage served at each repast,
The repetition kills the wretch at last.
-- Juvenal

Like winds and sunsets, wild things were taken for granted until progress began to do away with them.
-- Aldo Leopold

"Liquidum non frangit jejunum." ([chocolate] liquids, amongst them, do not constitute a break in fasting.)
-- Cardinal Francis Maria Brancaccio of the Vatican, 1662

Listening the the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.
-- Aaron Copland

Listening to both sides of a story will convince you that there is more to a story than both sides.
-- Frank Tyger

Listen to much, speak only what is timely.
-- Bias

Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life is the other way around.
-- David Lodge

Literature is news that stays news.
-- Ezra Pound

Literature was formerly an art and finance a trade; today it is the reverse.
-- Joseph Roux

Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; great minds rise above them.
-- Washington Irving

Little seedlings never flourish in the soil they have been given, be it ever so excellent, if they are continually pulled up to see if the roots are grateful yet.
-- Bertha Damon

Live together like brothers, and do business like strangers.
-- Arab Proverb

Live your life each day as you would climb a mountain. An occasional glance towards the summit keeps the goal in mind, but many beautiful scenes are to be observed from each new vantage point.
-- Harold B. Melchart

Living in the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way.
-- Edna Ferber

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Logic is a wonderful invention. It is so wonderful, people often mistake it for reason. Reason, however, requires sense. Logic requires only consistency.
-- Orania Papazoglou

Logic is neither a science nor an art, but a dodge.
-- Benjamin Jowett

Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities.
-- Lord Dunsany

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

Long live Cuba! Long live the United States! Long live President Castro! Long live Martin Luther King! Long live Che Guevara! Long live Patrice Lumumba! Long live our cry of freedom! Our time has come.
-- Jesse Jackson, at National University in Havana

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.
-- Jacob A. Riis

Look at those cows and remember that the greatest scientists in the world have never discovered how to make grass into milk.
-- Michael Pupin

Look, between hyping Joe Wilson and Richard Clarke, ignoring the Swift Boat Vets, to the CBS memo from Burkett, to the New York Times munitions report that only told half the story, to the exit polls that were catastrophically wrong, the mainstream media's performance over the past year resembles the Hindenberg crashing into the Titanic.
-- Jim Geraghty

Looking out of a hospital window is different from looking out of any other. Somehow you do not see outside.
-- Carol Matthau

Look: I went to school in the '70s, when most students were inadvertently donating their brain cells to science.
-- Bob Dyer

Loquacity and lying are cousins.
-- German Proverb

Lord, give me patience . . . and hurry!
-- George Robinson Ragsdale

Lose an hour in the morning, and you will spend all day looking for it.
-- Richard Whately

Lost is our old simplicity of times,
The world abounds with laws, and teems with crimes.
-- On the Proceedings Against America, Anonymous, 1775

Lost time is like a run in a stocking. It always gets worse.
-- Ann Morrow Lindbergh

Lost time is never found again.
-- John H. Aughey

Lots of people today claim we are living in a Mommy State. We're children to be scolded, smacked, ordered around. Wear your seatbelt, lose weight, be nice to everyone. It's worse than annoying. It can drive you batty. It's like being in kindergarten all your life, or being forced to sit at the little kid's table during Thanksgiving when you're 35 years old.
-- Bob Wallace

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
-- Oprah Winfrey

Lottery: Where 5 million stupid people make 1 stupid person look smart.
-- Johnny Hart, in B.C.

Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
-- Harlan Ellison

Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies.
-- John Donne

Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
-- Dr. Karl Menninger

Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.
-- Diane Arbus

Love is a game that two can play and both win.
-- Eva Gabor

Love is a great beautifier.
-- Louisa May Alcott

Love is an attempt to change a piece of a dream world into reality.
-- Theodor Reik

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.
-- Lord Thomas Dewar

Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener.
-- Pauline Thomason

Love is friendship set on fire.
-- Jeremy Taylor

Love is heavy to carry. Though at first it settles upon its victim like a butterfly, it quickly changes to lead.
-- Theodore Powys

Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever.
-- June Masters Bacher

Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.
-- Lisa Hoffman

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it. He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.
-- Dick Gregory

Love is not blind -- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
-- Rabbi Julius Gordon

Love is the business of the idle, but the idleness of the busy.
-- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Love just doesn't sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new.
-- Ursula K. LeGuin

Love lasteth long as the money endureth.
-- William Caxton

Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whisky makes it go round twice as fast.
-- Sir Compton Mackenzie

Love may be what keeps the world spinning 'round, but friendship is what keeps us from throwing ourselves off it.
-- David R. Mead

Love quickly is pall'd,
tho' with labour 'tis gained;
Wine never does cloy,
tho' with ease 'tis obtained.
We sing while you sigh,
we laugh while you weep,
Love robs you of rest,
wine lulls us asleep.
-- Henry Purcell and Thomas Shadwell

Love takes up where knowledge leaves off.
-- St. Thomas Aquinas

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
-- Louise Beal

Luck always favors the comely.
-- Richard Schickel

Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
-- Russell Banks

Luck is the residue of design.
-- Branch Rickey

Luckless is the country in which the symbols of procreation are the objects of shame, while the agents of destruction are honored! And yet you call that member your pudendum, or shameful part, as if there were anything more glorious than creating life, or anything more atrocious than taking it away.
-- Savinien Cyrano De Bergerac

Majorities, of course, start with minorities.
-- Robert Moses

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in.
-- Katherine Mansfield

Make men wise, and by that very operation you make them free. Civil liberty follows as a consequence of this; no usurped power can stand against the artillery of opinion.
-- William Godwin

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood and probably themselves will not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die, but long after we are gone will be a living thing, asserting itself with ever-growing insistence.
-- Daniel H. Burnham

Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.
-- Dorothy Sarnoff

Make sure you never, never argue at night. You just lose a good night's sleep, and you can't settle anything until morning anyway.
-- Rose Kennedy

Making the decision to have a child is momentous -- it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-- Elizabeth Stone

Male is one form of phenomena, and female is a second form of phenomena; in union they are together a third form of phenomena. But, paradoxically, that third phenomena -- Life -- is in fact a unity, of which male and female are merely component halves. Stated simply: The universe is the Two that become Three, that is truly only One.
-- Jonathon Earl Bowser

Man arrives as a novice at each age of his life.
-- Sebastien Chamfort

Man differs from the animal only by a little; most men throw that little away.
-- Mencius

Man does not weave this web of life. He is merely a strand of it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.
-- Chief Seattle

Man has no nobler function than to defend the truth.
-- Ruth McKenney

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
-- Lily Tomlin

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
-- Albert Schweitzer

Man is a complex human being: he makes deserts bloom and lakes die.
-- Gil Stern

Man is an animal with primary instincts of survival. Consequently, his ingenuity has developed first and his soul afterward. Thus the progress of science is far ahead of man's ethical behavior.
-- Charlie Chaplin

Man is born to seek power, yet his actual condition makes him a slave to the power of others.
-- Hans J. Morgenthau

Man is made so that whenever anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish.
-- Jean De La Fontaine

Man is still the best computer that we can put aboard a spacecraft -- and the only one that can be mass-produced with unskilled labor.
-- Wernher Von Braun

Man is unhappy because he doesn't know he's happy. If anyone finds out he'll become happy at once.
-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Mankind is at its best when it is most free. This will be clear if we grasp the principle of liberty. We must recall that the basic principle of liberty is freedom of choice, which saying many have on their lips but few in their minds.
-- Geroge William Curtis

Mankind is never truly thankful for the benefits of life, until they have experienced the want of them.
-- Albigence Waldo

Mankind's true moral test consists of its attitude towards those who are at its mercy: animals. And in this respect mankind has suffered a fundamental debacle, a debacle so fundamental that all others stem from it.
-- Milan Kundera

Man makes holy what he believes, as he makes beautiful what he loves.
-- Ernest Renan

Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary.
-- Reinhold Niebuhr

Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself.
-- Erich Fromm

Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Man will always use his most advanced technology to amuse himself.
-- David Crane

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
-- Maurice Chevalier

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
-- Stephen Leacock

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus

Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
-- Finley Peter Dunne

Many an attack of depression is nothing but the expression of regret at having to be virtuous.
-- Wilhelm Stekel

Many are always praising the by-gone time, for it is natural that the old should extol the days of their youth; the weak, the time of their strength; the sick, the season of their vigor, and the disappointed, the springtime of their hopes.
-- Caleb Bingham

Many are cold, but few are frozen.

Many fans look upon the umpire as sort of a necessary evil to the luxury of baseball, like the odor that follows an automobile.
-- Christy Mathewson

Many have been ruined by their fortunes, and many have escaped ruin by the want of fortune. To obtain it the great have become little, and the little great.
-- Johann Georg Zimmermann

Many laws as certainly make bad men, as bad men make many laws.
-- Walter Savage Landor

Many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them -- if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.
-- J.D. Salinger

Many [of the Americans] polled showed a marked disapproval of the Wallonians, Danerians, and Pirenians. The fact that these minorities were invented by the pollster did not diminish the hostility.
-- Leo Rosten

Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.
-- Margaret Chittenden

Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.
-- Meg Chittenden

Many people say that government is necessary because some men cannot be trusted to look after themselves, but anarchists say that government is harmful because no men can be trusted to look after anyone else.
-- Nicolas Walter

Many without punishment, none without sin.
-- John Ray

Marie Osmond makes Mother Teresa look like a slut.
-- Joan Rivers

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.
-- Lenny Bruce

Marketing is the science of convincing us that What You Get Is What You Want.
-- John Carter

Marriage always demands the finest arts of insincerity possible between two human beings.
-- Vicki Baum

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.
-- Beverley Nichols

Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist.
-- James Garner

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
-- Professor Irwin Corey

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
-- Evelyn Hendrickson

Marriage isn't a word... it's a sentence.
-- King Vidor

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets.
-- Ogden Nash

Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them.
-- Sydney Smith

Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Dan Quayle

Master books, but do not let them master you.
-- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.
-- Tao Te Ching

Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists stand on each other's toes.
-- Richard Hamming

Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had.
-- Francis Rodman

[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.
-- Soren Kierkegaard

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.
-- Ann Landers

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
-- R.S. Barton

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two words -- 'mank' and 'ind.' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'
-- Homer Simpson

Maybe they call it take home pay because there is no other place you can afford to go with it.
--Frankin P. Jones

May, in spite of all distractions generated by technology, all of you succeed in turning information into knowledge, knowledge into understanding, and understanding into wisdom.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.
-- Edward Abbey

McEnroe was as charming as always, which means that he was as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread.
-- Clive James (on John McEnroe)

Mechanical difficulties with language are the outcome of internal difficulties with thought.
-- Elizabeth Bowen

Meddle not in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle, and will piss on your computer.
-- Jeff Wilder

Medicine makes people ill, mathematics makes them sad, and theology makes them sinful.
-- Martin Luther

Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time, and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Meditation and water are wedded forever.
-- Herman Melville

Memory is a net; one finds it full of fish when he takes it from the brook, but a dozen miles of water have run through it without sticking.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Memory is each man's poet-in-residence.
-- Stanley Kunitz

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
-- Abba Eban

Men are able to trust one another, knowing the exact degree of dishonesty they are entitled to expect.
-- Stephen Leacock

Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.
-- Marilyn Monroe

Men are apt to mistake the strength of their feeling for the strength of their argument. The heated mind resents the chill touch and relentless scrutiny of logic.
-- William Gladstone

Men are constantly engaged in an, on the whole, highly successful effort to adjust their ideas to circumstances, and also in an effort, very much less successful, to adjust circumstances to their ideas.
-- H.C. Allen

Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.
-- Jayne Mansfield

Men are idolaters, and want something to look at and kiss and hug, or throw themselves down before; they always did, they always will, and if you don't make it of wood, you must make it of words.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Men are made stronger on realization that the helping hand they need is at the end of their own arm.
-- Sidney J. Phil

Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. They're attracted by what I don't mind...
-- Gypsy Rose Lee

Men are often capable of greater things than they perform. They are sent into the world with bills of credit, and seldom draw to their full extent.
-- Horace Walpole

Men are the sport of circumstances; when
The circumstances seem the sport of men.
-- Lord Byron

Men blush less for their crimes than for their weaknesses and vanity.
-- Jean de La Bruyère

Men can read maps better than women. 'Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.
-- Roseanne Barr

Men heap together the mistakes of their lives, and create a monster they call Destiny.
-- John Oliver Hobbes

Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.
-- Bill Peterson, football coach

Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons...
-- Tim Allen

Men must not only know, they must act.
-- W.E.B. Du Bois

Men never forgive those in whom there is nothing to pardon.
-- Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

Men no longer attempt to rule by the sword, but they find in money a weapon as sharp and more effective; and having lost none of the old lust for power, they seek to establish over their fellows the despotism of dollars.
-- James Gordon Bennett

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.
-- Tim Allen

Men often make up in wrath what they want in reason.
-- William Rounseville Alger

Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.
-- DeSegur

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
-- Richard Roeper

Mental health problems do not affect three out of every four persons but one out of one.
-- Dr. William Menninger

Men think to mend their condition by a change of circumstances. They might as well hope to escape from their shadows.
-- James A. Froude

Men tire themselves in pursuit of rest.
-- Laurence Sterne

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?
-- Frank Moore Colby

Men will sooner surrender their rights than their customs.
-- Moritz Guedmann

Men -- You can't live with them, you can't flush them down the toilet, and who would you send to unplug it if you did?
-- Cindee Andres

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
-- Lenny Bruce

Michael Jackson's album was only called 'Bad' because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for 'Pathetic.'
-- Prince

Michael Moore and I actually have a lot in common. We both appreciate living in a country where there's free expression. But Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera, I'll kill you. I mean it.
-- Clint Eastwood

Michael Moore announced that his next documentary film will attack the health care industry in America. He's not out to get the pharmaceutical companies. He's just looking for something to relieve the redness in the center of the country.
-- Argus Hamilton

Middle age is the period of sad caution.
-- Graham Greene

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
-- Ogden Nash

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz

Millions of words are written annually purporting to tell how to beat the races, whereas the best possible advice on the subject is found in the three monosyllables: "Do not try."
-- Dan Parker

Mind is everything: muscle -- pieces of rubber. All that I am, I am because of my mind.
-- Paavo Nurmi

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
-- Jean Cocteau

Miscellaneous is always the largest category.
-- Joel Rosenberg

Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
-- Hesketh Pearson

Mistakes live in the neighbourhood of truth and therefore delude us.
-- Rabindranath Tagore

Mockery is the weapon of those who have no other.
-- Hubert Pierlot

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.
-- John Ciardi

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
-- Jackie Gleason

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
-- Spike Milligan

Money giving is a good criterion of a person's mental health. Generous people are rarely mentally ill people.
-- Dr. Karl Menninger

Money is an article which may be used as a universal passport to everywhere except heaven, and as a universal provider for everything except happiness.
-- The Wall Street Journal

Money is a terrible master but an excellent servant.
-- P.T. Barnum

Money is to be respected; one of the worst things you can do is handle another person's money without respect for how hard it was to earn.
-- T. Boone Pickens, Jr.

Money never prevented anyone from being happy or unhappy.
-- Eddie Barclay

Monkeys very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings.
-- Kenneth Grahame

Monotony is the awful reward of the careful.
-- A.G. Buckham

Morale is when your hands and feet keep on working when your head says it can't be done.
-- Benjamin Morrell

Moralizing and morals are two entirely different things and are always found in entirely different people.
-- Don Herold

Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.
-- David Coleman, sportscaster

More are taken in by hope than by cunning.
-- Marquis de Vauvenargues

More men fail through lack of purpose than lack of talent.
-- Billy Sunday

More persons, on the whole, are humbugged by believing in nothing than by believing in too much.
-- P.T. Barnum

[M]ore than half a century of experience shows that the UN is a theater of hypocrisy, a sink of corruption, a street market of sordid bargains and a seminary of cynicism.
-- Paul Johnson

Most American heroes of the Revolutionary period are by now two men, the actual man and the romantic image. Some are even three men -- the actual man, the image, and the debunked remains.
-- Esther Forbes

Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.
-- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

Most cult heroes are cult heroes by design. Either his or her music is too esoteric to be accepted by the mainstream, or his or her personality too erratic or weird for most people to understand or tolerate. In either respect, the artist usually has sought out selective rather than widespread acceptance on purpose. The cult audience, in turn, is grateful for the opportunity to feel superior to all the stupid, smelly legions of idiots who make up the majority of the music-buying public.
-- Steven J. Hyden

Most executives, many scientists, and almost all business school graduates believe that if you analyze data, this will give you new ideas. Unfortunately, this belief is totally wrong. The mind can only see what it is prepared to see.
-- Edward de Bono

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
-- Artemus Ward

Most general statements are false, including this one.
-- Alexandre Dumas

Most lies about blondes are false.
-- Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

Most men are not scolded out of their opinion.
-- Martin Van Buren

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.
-- Soren Kierkegaard

Most of my advances were by mistake. You uncover what is when you get rid of what isn't.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller

Most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.
-- James Robinson

Most of the harm in the world is done by good people, and not by accident, lapse or omission.
-- Isabel Paterson

Most of us are about as eager to be changed as we were to be born, and go through our changes in a similar state of shock.
-- James Baldwin

Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one.
-- Ivern Ball

Most of us believe we have fundamental rights to happiness, respect, fairness, and protection from misery. These beliefs are psychological traps. "Rights" are a legal concept created by Civilization; rights do not exist in Nature. We are fortunate to be living in a time and place in which we have greater luxuries and possibilities than ever in history. However, we are not any happier than people were in previous generations. Why? Because of our beliefs in "rights" to happiness.
-- Israel Kalman

Most of us die with our music underplayed...We should try to step out of our comfort zones and do the things we're capable of.
-- Mary Kay Ash

Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank.
-- Ben Irwin

Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards.
-- Soren F. Petersen

Most people are searching for happiness. They're looking for it. They're trying to find it in someone or something outside of themselves. That's a fundamental mistake. Happiness is something that you are, and it comes from the way you think.
-- Wayne Dyer

Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can only be felt if you don't set any condition.
-- Artur Rubinstein

Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently than they do.
-- Ivan Turgenev

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Most people spend their lives going to bed when they're not sleepy and getting up when they are!
-- Cindy Adams

Most people, when they reach a certain age, let down and talk about what they used to do. Well, who gives a damn about what you used to do? It's what you're doing now.
-- Jack LaLanne

Most people would find it bizarre to speak of tolerating blonds. For whatever reason, hair color has not been a basis of tribal identity or group politics in our culture; the concept of tolerance is never invoked in this context because there is too obviously nothing to tolerate. In a rational culture, the same would be true of race, ethnicity, and the like.
-- David Kelley

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
-- Robert Orben

Most successes are unhappy. That's why they are successes -- they have to reassure themselves about themselves by achieving something that the world will notice.
-- Agatha Christie

Most things get better by themselves. Most things, in fact, are better by morning.
-- Lewis Thomas

Motherhood: the days are long, the years are short.
-- Susan Mitchell

Mountain Dew and doughnuts...because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Mr. Cobb took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he has a complete set.
-- Ring Lardner

Mr. Mencken talks about truth as if she were his mistress, but he handles her like an iceman.
-- Stuart Sherman (on H.L. Mencken)

Much as there is to learn from the old solidarities we are shedding, and many as their treasured remnants and lessons, the time is approaching when Americans of all colors will have to give their racial banners decent burials and kiss even their hyphens goodbye.
-- Jim Sleeper

Much Madness is divinest Sense--
To a discerning Eye--
Much Sense--the starkest Madness.
-- Emily Dickinson

Mud can make you prisoner and the plains can make you dry.
Snow can burn your eyes but only people make you cry.
-- Alan Jay Lerner

Multiple political parties are a fact of life throughout Europe and most of the West. Today the only countries without strong multiparty political systems are the United States and a number of third world military dictatorships.
-- Thomas H. Naylor

Musically, we are more talented than any Bob Dylan. Musically, we are more talented than Paul McCartney...I'm the new Elvis.
-- Rob Pilatus (of Milli Vanilli)

Music is enough for a lifetime, but a lifetime isn't enough for music.
-- Sergei Rachmaninoff

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing.
-- Lord Erskine

Music is the sole art which evokes nostalgia for the future.
-- Ned Rorem

Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art.
-- Charlie Parker

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

My aunt Hazel, now deceased, raised Chihuahuas. Her back yard was filled with dozens of these yapping little pests. When they are very small, they are actually rather cute and playful. When they are old enough to figure out they are chihuahuas, they get mean.
-- Henry Warwick

My best friend is a rock. They're very inspirational...Every color, every texture [in my menswear collection] has been inspired by sitting on this rock. It's wonderful for menswear, but I find rocks very female.
-- Donna Karan

My best game plan is to sit on the bench and call out specific instructions like 'C'mon Boog,' 'Get ahold of one, Frank,' or 'Let's go, Brooks.'
-- Earl Weaver

My, but where does the time go. Here it is Equal Pay Day already and I still haven't even taken down my decorations from last year's Take Your Daughter To Work Day (warning, that sneaks up on you soon, too, again). That tears it: I'm going to have to start having Imelda (or whatever her name is) come in twice a week.
-- Ned Rice

My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he plays the lawyer.
-- Malcolm Ford

My decision on this matter (never again to seek the presidency) is as certain and final as death and the staggering New Deal taxes.
-- Thomas E. Dewey

My definition of a redundancy is an air-bag in a politician's car.
-- Larry Hagman

My definition of learning is to remember what you are interested in. If you don't remember something, you haven't learned it, and you are never going to remember something unless you are interested in it. These words dance together. 'Interest' is another holy word and drives 'memory'. Combine them and you have learning.
-- Richard Saul Wurman

My doctrine is this: if we see cruelty or wrong that we have the power to stop, and we do nothing, we make ourselves sharers in that guilt.
-- Anna Sewall

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-- Joe Weinstein

My father and all my aunts and uncles worked for Chrysler Corporation. To own a car manufactured by anyone else was unthinkable. In 1977 my wife and I purchased a Volare station wagon. After a few months of taking it back to the dealer and having them be unable to correct the problems, we decided expulsion from family gatherings and having our images removed from family photos was a small price to pay for our safety.
-- Richard Lancaster

My father died when I was eight. At least that's what he told us in the letter.
-- Drew Carey

My father said, "Politics asks the question: Is it expedient? Vanity asks: Is it popular? But conscience asks: Is it right?"
-- Dexter Scott King

My father told me that if I ever met a lady in a dress like yours, I must look her straight in the eyes.
-- Prince Charles, upon being introduced to Susan Hampshire who was wearing a very low-cut dress

My favorite umpire is a dead one.
-- Johnny Evers

My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can somebody think of something to help us win a game?"
"I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul."
-- Joe Garagiola

My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group. There was much less competition there.
-- Indira Gandhi

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty -- she's ninety-seven today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.
-- Gracie Allen

My idea was pain reduction and mind expansion, but I ended up with mind reduction and pain expansion.
-- Carrie Fisher (re: her youthful drug use)

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley (on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating")

My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
-- Charles F. Kettering

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
-- Vladimir Nabokov

My main hope for myself is to be where I am.
-- Woody Harrelson

My method for picking stocks has never changed. When businesses go from crappy to semicrappy, there's money to be made.
-- Peter Lynch

My moral standing is lying down.
-- Trent Reznor

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.'
-- Judy Tenuda

My mother is a poem I'll never be able to write
though everything I write is a poem to my mother.
-- Sharon Doubiago

My mother used to pitch to me and my father would shag balls. If I hit one up the middle close to my mother, I'd have some extra chores to do. My mother was instrumental in making me a pull hitter.
-- Eddie Mathews

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
-- Sue Murphy

My name is Raquel Welch. I am here for visual effects, and I have two of them.
-- Raquel Welch (appearing as a presenter for Best Visual Effects at the Academy Awards)

My notion of an elegant table is you don't leave the knife sticking out of the mayonnaise jar.
-- Sue Grafton

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
-- Theodore Kaczynski (when asked what his current profession was)

My only pet peeve about having a Boston team in the Finals: When the Boston mayor makes the stupid bet with the other team's mayor. Drives me crazy. For instance, before the World Series, Mayor Menino of Boston wagered a bunch of Boston beer and food products ... in exchange for Anheuser-Busch Products ... and some other St. Louis goodies from Mayor Clark Griswold. That's a bet? Those are high stakes? Oh, no, we lost ... darn, we're never gonna replace all that clam chowder; I never should have let him sucker me into that. Please. I hate this stuff. Just one of these times, I want one of the mayors to throw something out there like, "If you guys win, I'll sleep with a transvestite ... if we win, you have to try heroin and speed at the same time." Now THAT would get people talking.
-- Bill Simmons

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

My pessimism goes to the point of suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.
-- Edmond Rostand

My philosophy is: Don't think.
-- Charles Manson

My rule always was to do the business of the day in the day.
-- Arthur, Duke of Wellington

My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
-- George Gobel

My vision is to make the most diverse state on Earth, and we have people from every planet on earth in this state. We have the sons and daughters of every, of people from every planet, of every country on earth.
-- Gov. Gray Davis (describing his vision for California)

My voice had a long, nonstop career. It deserves to be put to bed with quiet and dignity, not yanked out every once in a while to see if it can still do what it used to do. It can't.
-- Beverly Sills

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
-- Muhammad Ali

My wife's married. I'm not.
-- Charles Barkley (to a female photographer)

My wife tells me she doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I'm not enjoying it.
-- Lee Trevino

My wife wanted to call our daughter Sue, but I felt that in our family that is usually a verb.
-- Dennis Wolfburg

[N]arrow canons of proof, evidence, logical consistency and clarity of expression have to go. To insist on them imposes a drag upon progress. Indeed, to apply strict canons of objectivity and evidence in academic publishing today would be comparable to the American economy's returning to the gold standard; the effect would be the immediate collapse of the system.
-- Gerald Graff

Nations and empires flourish and decay,
By turns command, and in their turns obey.
-- Ovid

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
-- Mary Ellen Kelly

Naturally, our own irrational demands strike us as having the force of needs, while other people's needs strike us as capricious indulgences.
-- Daphne Merkin

Natural selection, as it has operated in human history, favors not only the clever but the murderous.
-- Barbara Ehrenreich

Nature gave men two ends -- one to sit on, and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
-- George R. Kirkpatrick

Nature uses as little as possible of anything.
-- Johannes Kepler

Necessity can set me helpless on my back, but she cannot keep me there; nor can four walls limit my vision.
-- Margaret Fairless Barber

Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.
-- William Pitt

Neither do the ignorant love wisdom or desire to become wise; for this is the grievous thing about ignorance, that those who are neither good nor beautiful think they are good enough, and do not desire that which they do not think they are lacking.
-- Plato

Neither the wisest constitution nor the wisest laws will secure the liberty and happiness of a people whose manners are universally corrupt.
-- Samuel Adams

Neurotic means he is not as sensible as I am, and psychotic means he's even worse than my brother-in-law.
-- Dr. Karl Menninger

Neutrality, as a lasting principle, is an evidence of weakness.
-- Louis Kossuth

Never be afraid to stand with the minority when the minority is right, for the minority which is right will one day be the majority.
-- William Jennings Bryan

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.

Never, btw, ask that androgynous paper clip anything. S/he is just a stooge for management, leading you down more rabbit holes of options for things called Wizards, Macros, Templates, and Cascading Style Sheets.
-- Louis Menand

Never confuse a single mistake with a final mistake.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
-- Richard Smith

Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.
-- Ruth E. Renkel

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
-- Jean Rostand

Never have children, only grandchildren.
-- Gore Vidal

Never have so many understood so little about so much.
-- James Burke

Never judge a book by its movie.
-- J.W. Eagan

Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you.
-- Joey Adams

Never limit your view of life by any past experience.
-- Ernest Holmes

Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living, the other helps you make a life.
-- Sandra Carey

Never mistake motion for action.
-- Ernest Hemingway

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
-- Sam Brown

Never play anything that don't sound right. You might not make any money -- but at least you won't get hostile with yourself.
-- Hoagy Carmichael

Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl.
-- Benjamin Jowett

Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on that subject.
-- Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Périgord

Never trust the teller. Trust the tale.
-- D.H. Lawrence

Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-- Lazarus Long

Never try to tell all you know. It may take too short a time.
-- Norman Ford

[New coach] Scott Skiles, dressed in black, allowed as how there might have been "some slippage" with this season's Chicago Bulls team, which is like saying there might have been "some sinkage" with the Titanic or "some droppage" with the Hindenburg.
-- Rick Morrisey

New DOE policy: Scientists at the nation's nuclear weapons laboratories must report any romantic liaison with a foreigner, unless it's a one-night stand.
-- Washington Post

New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common.
-- John Locke

News is like food: it is the cooking and serving that makes it acceptable, not the material itself.
-- Rose Macaulay

News is what people don't want you to print. Everything thing else is ads.
-- William Randolph Hearst

Newspapermen learn to call a murderer "an alleged murderer" and the King of England "the alleged King of England" in order to avoid libel suits.
-- Stephen Leacock

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
-- James Agate

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there. Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
-- Jimmy Connors

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
-- Johnny Carson

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
-- F.J. Raymond

Next week or next month, or next year, I will kill myself. But I might as well last out my month's rent, which has been paid up.
-- Jean Rhys

Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
-- Foghorn Leghorn

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your fags.
-- Bill Hicks

Nietzsche was so intelligent. That's how I am. I'm the black, basketball-playing Nietzsche.
-- Shaquille O'Neal

Nine out of ten people like chocolate. The tenth person always lies...
-- John Q. Tullius

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then -- we elected them.
-- Lily Tomlin

Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
-- George Washington Carver

Ninety percent I'll spend on good times, women, and Irish whiskey. The other ten per cent I'll probably waste.
-- Tug McGraw (budgeting a pay raise)

Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States.
-- Frank Licht (campaigning in 1972)

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
-- Aesop

No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove their fur from your couch.
-- Leo Dworken

Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source.
-- Ron Nesen

Nobody climbs mountains for scientific reasons. Science is used to raise money for the expeditions, but you really climb for the hell of it.
-- Sir Edmund Hillary

Nobody else can make the sound you make.
-- Yo-Yo Ma

Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat.
-- Ann Landers

Nobody is bored when he is trying to make something that is beautiful or to discover something that is true.
-- William Inge

Nobody knows enough, but many know too much.
-- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Nobody's interested in sweetness and light.
-- Hedda Hopper

NO BRAINER, n. A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.

No cause is helpless if it is just. Errors, no matter how popular, carry the seeds of their own destruction.
-- John W. Scoville

No dancer can watch Fred Astaire and not know that we all should have been in another business.
-- Mikhail Baryshnikov

[N]o democracy with a free press has ever experienced a major famine.
-- Amartya Sen

No evil can happen to a good man.
-- Plato

No fool can be silent at a feast.
-- Solon

No, I am not scared and neither should you be!
-- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister

No, if you have superstitions, that's bad luck.
-- Eric Lucas (on why he isn't superstitious)

No iron can pierce the heart with such force as a period put just at the right place.
-- Isaac Babel

[Nolan] Ryan's the only guy to put fear in me. You just hoped to mix in a walk so you could have a good night and go 0-for-3.
-- Reggie Jackson

No man has a right in America to treat any other man "tolerantly" for tolerance is the assumption of superiority. Our liberties are equal rights of every citizen.
-- Wendell Willkie

No man is a hero to his valet.
-- Anne-Marie Bigot de Cornuel

No man is free who is not master of himself.
-- Epictetus

No man is hurt but by himself.
-- Diogenes

No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.
-- Ben Jonson

No man or woman is uniformly successful; we must all expect a rather high percentage of failure in the things we attempt.
-- Barnaby Keeney

No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
-- Judge Gideon J. Tucker

No man, who continues to add something to the material, intellectual and moral well-being of the place in which he lives, is left long without proper reward.
-- Booker T. Washington

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
-- Lily Tomlin

No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.
-- Turkish Proverb

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.
-- Florida Scott-Maxwell

No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney.
-- Alfred Smith

No matter what politicians promise, Social Security reform will not change the fact that your money is taken from your paycheck and sent to Washington, where it will be spent.
-- Ron Paul

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other.
-- Jascha Heifetz

No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
-- Rob Wagner

None are more readily taken with flattery than the proud who wish to be first but are not.
-- Benedict Spinoza

None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear.
-- Ferdinand Marshall Foch

None can love freedom but good men; the rest love not freedom, but license, which never hath more scope than under tyrants.
-- John Milton

None of us here in Washington knows all, or even half of the answers... If you love your country, don't depend on handouts from Washington for your information. If you cherish your freedom, don't leave it all up to big government.
-- Barry Goldwater

No news is good news. No journalists is even better.
-- Nicolas Bently

No one, and the liberal cognoscenti least of all, wants to look at why, after decades of throwing money at a rotting educational establishment and years of racial preferences black students are worse off than ever.
-- Wesley Pruden

No one but a fool is always right.
-- Sir David Hare

No one can be as calculatedly rude as the British, which amazes Americans, who do not understand studied insult and can only offer abuse as a substitute.
-- Paul Gallico

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.
-- W.S. Gilbert

No one can make you inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

No one ever excused his way to success.
-- David de Dotto

No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.
-- Sam Rayburn

No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capable of. ... And if he does know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to decide a single human fate.
-- C.P. Snow

No one is satisfied with his fortune, nor dissatisfied with his intellect.
-- Ann Fanshawe

No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it.
-- Hal Chadwick

No one wants a good education. Everyone wants a good degree.
-- Lee Rudolph

No one wants to hear about the labor pains, they just want to see the baby.
-- Lou Brock

No one who has been a programmer can escape the conclusion that computers highlight our inability to communicate.
-- Mike Walsh

No race can prosper till it learns there is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem.
-- Booker T. Washington

Nor is the people's judgment always true: the most may err as grossly as the few.
-- John Dryden

No rock so hard but that a little wave may beat admission in a thousand years.
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

No science is immune to the infection of politics and the corruption of power.
-- Jacob Bronowski

Not all TV cooks are obstreperous. Martha Stewart is a model of discipline, but that's just the trouble. She reminds me of Fraulein von Frumpel, the villainess in a WWII-era Saturday serial designed to keep us phartlings pumped up for the war effort. Stewart says all the right homemaker things, but I can't help feeling that somewhere in there is an "Achtung!" waiting to come out.
-- Florence King

Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.
-- James Baldwin

Nothing a man writes can please him as much as something he does with his back, shoulders and hands, for writing is an artificial activity. It is a lonely and private substitution for conversation.
-- Brooks Atkinson

Nothing better protects a human being against the stupidity of prejudice, racism, religious or political sectarianism, and exclusivist nationalism than this truth that invariably appears in great literature: that men and women of all nations and places are essentially equal, and only injustice sows among them discrimination, fear, and exploitation.
-- Mario Vargas Llosa

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
-- W.W. Ziege

Nothing charms us record geeks more than a total eccentric does. We all have pored over Brian Wilson's Pet Sounds and the aborted Smile sessions like biblical scholars studying the Dead Sea scrolls. We have examined the artistic crack-ups of Syd Barrett. We have debated whether Skip Spence's Oar is the work of a genius gone mad or another example of crap from the overrated San Francisco scene.
-- Tom Casetta

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilizing the mind as a steady purpose - a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.
-- Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world.
-- Jane Addams

Nothing fails like success because we don't learn from it. We learn only from failure.
-- Kenneth Ewart Boulding

Nothing important has ever come out of San Francisco, Rice-a-Roni aside.
-- Michael O'Donoghue

Nothing in human affairs is worth any great anxiety.
-- Plato

Nothing in these regulations precludes the secretary or his delegate from designating information not specifically described in this regulation as unclassified controlled unclear information.
-- 1983 Dept. of Energy regulation

Nothing in the world can one imagine beforehand, not the least thing. Everything is made up of so many unique particulars that cannot be foreseen.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Nothing in the world is single;
All things by law divine
In one spirit mix and mingle.
Why not I with thine?
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Nothing is as far away as one minute ago.
-- Jim Bishop

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.
-- Demosthenes

Nothing is improbable until it moves into the past tense.
-- George Ade

Nothing is indescribable in words if you take the time and the trouble. If your present language framework is inadequate, then you must carefully create a larger one.
-- Colin Wilson

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-- Nero Wolfe

Nothing is more certain than that a general profligacy and corruption of manners make a people ripe for destruction. A good form of government may hold the rotten materials together for some time, but beyond a certain pitch, even the best constitution will be ineffectual, and slavery must ensue.
-- John Witherspoon

Nothing is more certain than the indispensable necessity of government, and it is equally undeniable, that whenever and however it is instituted, the people must cede to it some of their natural rights in order to vest it with requisite powers.
-- John Jay

Nothing is more dangerous than an idea when it is the only one you have.
-- Emile-Auguste Chartier

Nothing is more humbling than to look with a strong magnifying glass at an insect so tiny that the naked eye sees only the barest speck and to discover that nevertheless it is sculpted and articulated and striped with the same care and imagination as a zebra. Apparently it does not occur to nature whether or not a creature is within our range of vision, and the suspicion arises that even the zebra was not designed for our benefit.
-- Rudolf Arnheim

Nothing is so easy as to deceive oneself; for what we wish, we readily believe.
-- Demosthenes

Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.
-- Freeman Teague, Jr.

Nothing is so soothing to our self-esteem as to find our bad traits in our forebears. It seems to absolve us.
-- Van Wyck Brooks

Nothing is too high for the daring of mortals: we storm heaven itself in our folly.
-- Horace

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
-- Ross MacDonald

Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.
-- Arthur Balfour

Nothing provides the antidote to narcissism, or the environment for the healthy raising of children, or the way for people to take care of one another, as does the marriage of a man and a woman. And while most divorces are terribly sad, divorce itself no more undermines the institution of marriage than car crashes undermine the institution of driving.
-- Dennis Prager

Nothing so soon the drooping spirits can raise
As praises from the men, whom all men praise.
-- Abraham Cowley

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstances.
-- Bruce Barton

Nothing stinks like a pile of unpublished writing.
-- Sylvia Plath

Nothing would more contribute to make a man wise than to have always an enemy in his view.
-- George Savile, Marquess de Halifax

Nothing, you know, gives the body greater satisfaction than ordering people about, or at least believing in one's ability to do so.
-- Franz Kafka

No thoroughly occupied man was ever yet very miserable.
-- Letitia E. Landon

Not only is the universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think.
-- Werner Heisenberg

Not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
-- George Sala

Not only will I be changing diapers at home, now I will be changing them in the clubhouse.
-- Jim Eisenreich, 38 year old Marlins outfielder and father of three children 6 and younger, on the youthful look of Florida's roster

Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; men love in haste but hate in leisure.
-- Lord Byron

Now it is a strange thing, but things that are good to have and days that are good to spend are soon told about, and not much to listen to; while things that are uncomfortable, palpitating, and even gruesome, may make a good tale, and take a deal of telling anyway.
-- J.R.R. Tolkein

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.
-- Langston Hughes

No woman has ever so comforted the distressed or so distressed the comfortable.
-- Clare Booth Luce (on Eleanor Roosevelt)

Now's where the sniveling solipsists/philosophic idealist infants start whining about "How can you KNOW objective reality? Isn't everything appearance?" At which point, I grab a beefy, hardbound copy of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, and whomp 'em upside the head but good!
-- Joseph Moore

Now that my book is in paperback, my family may actually buy it.
-- Bill Scheft

Now the only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette afterward. Next to the first one in the morning, it's the best one of all. It tasted so good that even if I had been frigid I would have pretended otherwise just to be able to smoke it.
-- Florence King

Now, the only thing that remains unresolved is the resolution of the problem.
-- Thomas Wells, Ontario legislature minister

Now the truth of the matter is that there are a lot of things people don't understand. Take the Einstein theory. Take taxes. Take love. Do you understand them? Neither do I. But they exist. They happen.
-- Dalton Trumbo

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

Nuclear war would certainly set back cable.
-- Ted Turner

Nudists are fond of saying that when you come right down to it everyone is alike, and, again, that when you come right down to it everyone is different.
-- Diane Arbus

Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything.

Oaths and vows once meant something. When one took an Oath of Allegiance to the country, the armed forces could expect honest and loyal service. When one took a vow of marriage, a spouse could expect love, support, and fidelity. But if one takes an oath merely to mouth the words and go through the motions, then what is the point of the oath?
-- Mark Q. Rhoads

Observe your enemies, for they first find out your faults.
-- Antisthenes

Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

Of all cruelties, those are the most intolerable that come under the name of condolence and consolation.
-- Walter Savage Landor

Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: to know so much and have control over nothing.
-- Herodotus

Of all the [cat] toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled and it makes a sound when you jump on it.
-- Stephen Baker

Of all the countries on earth, we are the leaders in disorders ... If we don't have attention deficit disorder, we have ... anxiety disorder, or mood disorder. Other cultures just don't seem to have the problems we do.
--

Of all the music management moves ever made, the smartest might be persuading *NSYNC to drop 'Everything but the Kitch' from their name.
-- Brad Simanek

Of all things, good sense is the most fairly distributed: everyone thinks he is so well supplied with it that even those who are the hardest to satisfy in every other respect never desire more of it than they already have.
-- Rene Descartes

Of course I don't believe in reincarnation, I was a skeptic in my former life.
-- Bill Moss

Of course, it's possible to love a human being -- if you don't know them too well.
-- Charles Bukowski

Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
-- Crazy Nigel

Office hours are from 12 to 1, with an hour off for lunch.
-- George S. Kaufman (describing the U.S. Senate)

Officials are the only guys who can rob you and then get a police escort out of the stadium.
-- Ron Bolton

Of old when folk lay sick and sorely tried
The doctors gave them physic, and they died.
But here's a happier age: for now we know
Both how to make men sick and keep them so.
-- Hilaire Belloc

Of our conflicts with others we make rhetoric; of our conflicts with ourselves we make poetry.
-- William Butler Yeats

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.
-- Margaret Young

Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.
-- Harlan Miller

Often, the greatest challenge facing an organization is recognizing and acting on opportunity rather than solving a problem.
-- Peter Ginter

Often we have no time for our friends but all the time in the world for our enemies.
-- Leon Uris

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
-- Jack Handey

Oh, great altar of passive entertainment... Bestow upon me thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
-- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

Oh, I don't drink these days. I'm allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
-- Robert Downey, Jr.

Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
-- Monty Python

O how small a portion of earth will hold us when we are dead, who ambitiously seek after the whole world while we are living.
-- Philip II

Oh, the self-importance of fading stars. Never mind, they will be black holes one day.
-- Jeffrey Bernard

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave, when they think that their children are naive.
-- Ogden Nash

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
-- Drew Carey

Oh, you mean the old same place. No, you can't get there from here.
-- Firesign Theater

Old age begins the instant your attachment to the past exceeds your excitement about the future.
-- Alan Parisse

Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man.
-- Leon Trotsky

Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them if you wish to keep them in working order.
-- John Quincy Adams

Omit needless words.
-- William Strunk, Jr.

Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists.
-- Norman Mailer

Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road.
-- Stewart Brand

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.
-- Marlene Dietrich

Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.
-- Oscar Levant

Once in a lifetime a really beautiful song comes along. Until it does, I'd like to do this one.
-- Cliff Richard

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Once the 'what' is decided, the 'how' always follows. We must not make the 'how' an excuse for not facing and accepting the 'what.'
-- Pearl Buck

Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is available to anyone.
-- Tom Weller

Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.
-- Jean Paul Sartre

Once you're Electric Football Champion, nothing else in the world matters. I know my players have no thoughts or emotions, but they don't know that.
-- Ron Bell (3 time winner of the Super Bowl of Electric Football)

One brain study shows that men listen with only one side of their noggin, whereas women use both. Another shows that women can listen to two separate conversations, whereas men can barely follow one. The male brain takes in less sensory detail than a woman's, which is why it's harder for us to find items at the supermarket. It's also why we don't notice dust, which, apparently, is a collection of fine particles that settle on furniture.
-- Tom Purcell

One can give without loving, but one cannot love without giving.
-- Amy Carmichael

One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach.
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

One cannot look at holding people accountable as a solution to these problems.
-- Robert Mueller, FBI Director, discussing how to address pre-9/11 incompetence

One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
-- Professor Charles P. Issawi

One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.
-- J. Gustav White

One could drive a prairie schooner through any part of his argument and never scrape against a fact.
-- David Houston (on William Jennings Bryan)

One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.
-- J.D. Watson

One cup poured into another makes different waters; tears shed by one eye would blind if wept into another's eye. The breast we strike in joy is not the breast we strike in pain; any man's smile would be consternation on another's mouth.
-- Djuna Barnes

One day posterity will remember
This strange era, these strange times, when
Ordinary common honesty was called courage.
-- Yevgeny Yevtushenko

One day you are the statue, the next you are the pigeon.
-- Joseph Harris

One drink is too many for me and a thousand not enough.
-- Brendan Behan

One faces one's future with one's past.
-- Pearl S. Buck

One falls to the ground in trying to sit on two stools.
-- François Rabelais

One fifth of the people are against everything all the time.
-- Robert Kennedy

One-half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.
-- Sidney Howard

One half the nation is mad -- and the other half not very sound.
-- Tobias Smollett

One has to be able to count if only so that at fifty one doesn't marry a girl of twenty.
-- Maxim Gorky

One hears pedestrians sing most of the riding songs.
-- Russian Proverb

One is always considered mad when one perfects something that others cannot grasp.
-- Ed Wood

One is more admired for claiming to do good than for proving to be right.
-- R. Emmett Tyrrell

One is never more on trial than in the moment of excessive good fortune.
-- Lew Wallace

One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency.
-- Maya Angelou

One is often kept in the right road by a rut.
-- Gustave Droz

One learns to itch where one can scratch.
-- Ernest Bramah

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ...
-- Anthony Chevins

One man's larceny is another's just distribution of goods.
-- Robert Bork

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it.
-- Vincent van Gogh

One must always tell what one sees. Above all, which is more difficult, one must always see what one sees.
-- Charles Pierre Péguy

One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him.
-- John Gardner

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
-- A.A. Milne

One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears -- by listening to them.
-- Dean Rusk

One of the criticisms that's been raised about PowerPoint is that it can give the illusion of coherence and content when there really isn't very much coherence or content.
-- Edward Miller

One of the difficulties of politics is that politicians are shocked by those who are really prepared to let their thinking reach any conclusion. Political thinking consists in deciding upon the conclusion first and then finding good arguments for it. An open mind is considered irresponsible-- and perhaps it really is.
-- Richard Crossman

One of the functions of intelligence is to take account of the dangers that come from trusting solely to the intelligence.
-- Lewis Mumford

One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one man buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
-- William Feather

One of the greatest delusions in the world is the hope that the evils in this world are to be cured by legislation.
-- Thomas B. Reed

One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of garden seeds.
-- Dan Bennett

One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.
-- Joyce Carol Oates

One of the marks of a great poet is that he creates his own family of words and teaches them to live together in harmony and to help one another.
-- Gerald Brenan

One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night.
-- Margaret Mead

One of these days, someone smarter and younger and more articulate than I is going to get through to the American people just how really messed up the federal government has become. And when that happens, the American people are going to rise up like that football crowd in Cleveland and run both teams off the field.
-- Senator Zell Miller

One of the soundest rules to remember when making forecasts in the field of economics is that whatever is to happen is happening already.
-- Sylvia Porter

One of those disturbing tendencies in academic life is that there is a desire on the part of many in the name of open-mindedness to fall into a kind of relativistic denialism in which all positions are equally legitimate, all positions must be respected, and compromise must be entered into no matter what the starting point or reasonableness of the two parties.
-- Lawrence Summers

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.
-- G. Weilacher

One puts into one's art what one has not been capable of putting into one's existence. It is because he was unhappy that God created the world.
-- Henri de Montherlant

One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas.
-- Robert Byrne

One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.
-- Nancy Astor

One's sense of honor is the only thing that does not grow old, and the last pleasure, when one is worn out with age, is not, as the poet said, making money, but having the respect of one's fellow men.
-- Thucydides

One sword keeps another in the sheath.
-- George Herbert

One thing I don't understand is that average American movie-goers cannot watch a movie for three hours, yet they'll watch a stupid, boring, horrific football game for four hours. Now, that is boredom at its most colossal.
-- Quentin Tarantino

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
-- Jim Carrey

One thing only has been lent to youth and age in common -- discontent.
-- Matthew Arnold

One thing that will make you quit smoking is sitting across from Keith Richards all night. I don't mind being ugly, but I sure don't want to look like that.
-- Kid Rock

One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth.
-- Joe Garagiola

One very important ingredient of success is a good, wide-awake, persistent, tireless enemy.
-- Frank B. Shutts

One who speaks deferentially but increases his preparations will advance. One who speaks belligerently and advances hastily will retreat.
-- Sun Tzu

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.
-- Thomas B. Reed

One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite.
-- V.I. Lenin

Only a dead fish goes with the flow.
-- Ethan Evans

Only cat lovers know the luxury of fur-coated, musical hot water bottles that never go cold.
-- Susanne Millen

Only he who handles his ideas lightly is master of his ideas, and only he who is master of his ideas is not enslaved by them.
-- Lin Yu Tang

Only in baseball could a perfect game be one in which absolutely nothing happens.
-- Thea Clark

Only little boys and old men sneer at love.
-- Louis Auchincloss

Only puny secrets need protection. Big discoveries are protected by public incredulity.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Only six months ago...deflation scares were in vogue...Now we are being urged to worry about inflation. Do things really change that quickly, or do journalists just have to keep discovering something new for us to worry about.
-- Alan Reynolds

Only the curious will learn and only the resolute overcome the obstacles to learning. The quest quotient has always excited me more than the intelligence quotient.
-- Eugene S. Wilson

Only the fairy tale equates changelessness with happiness. Permanence means paralysis and death. Only in movement, with all its pain, is life.
-- Jakob Burkhardt

Only the more rugged mortals should attempt to keep up with current literature.
-- George Ade

Only the person who has faith in himself is able to be faithful to others.
-- Erich Fromm

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
-- Robert Kennedy

Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.
-- Lao Tsu

Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.

Only when he no longer knows what he is doing does the painter do good things.
-- Edgar Degas

Only when you can be extremely pliable and soft can you be extremely hard and strong.
-- Zen Proverb

On many American campuses the only qualification for admission was the ability actually to find the campus and then discover a parking space.
-- Malcolm Bradbury

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
-- Tom Lehrer

On November 2, the entire civilised world will be praying, praying Bush loses. And Sod's law dictates he'll probably win, thereby disproving the existence of God once and for all. The world will endure four more years of idiocy, arrogance and unwarranted bloodshed, with no benevolent deity to watch over and save us. John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley Jr. -- where are you now that we need you?
-- Charles Brooker

On packing: Lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then, take half the clothes and twice the money.
-- Susan Butler Anderson

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
-- Bruce Willis (on the difference between men and women)

On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points.
-- Virginia Woolf

On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
-- Charles Babbage

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
-- Sun Tzu

Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor.
-- Stephen Sondheim

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams

Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate.
-- Patrick Skene Catling

Our attitude towards others determines their attitude towards us.
-- Earl Nightingale

Our birth is nothing but our death begun,
As tapers waste the moment they take fire.
-- Edward Young

Our bodies are apt to be our autobiographies.
-- Frank Gelett Burgess

Our country was founded on a distrust of government. Our founding fathers gave power to the people to keep an eye on government. So when politicians say, "Trust me," they're actually being very un-American.
-- David Duchovny

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
-- Nelson Mandela

Our destiny changes with our thought; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thought corresponds with our desire.
-- Orison S. Marden

Our dogs will love and admire the meanest of us, and feed our colossal vanity with their uncritical homage.
-- Agnes Repplier

Our elections are free -- it's in the results where eventually we pay.
-- Bill Stern

Our guns don't kill people. Bullets do. Our guns just make the bullets go really fast.
-- George Nemeyer

Our ideals, laws, and customs should be based on the proposition that each generation, in turn, becomes the custodian rather than the absolute owner of our resources and each generation has the obligation to pass this inheritance on to the future.
-- Charles Lindbergh

Our initial assessment is that they will all die.
-- Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, Iraqi Information Minister

Our knowledge can only be finite, while our ignorance must necessarily be infinite.
-- Karl Popper

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
-- Lewis Mumford

Our neighbors shake their heads
And take their valuables inside
While my countrymen piss in the fountains
To express their national pride.
-- Billy Bragg

Ours is an age which is proud of machines who think and suspicious of men who try to.
-- H.M. Jones

Ours is the age of substitutes: instead of language, we have jargon; instead of principles, slogans; and instead of genuine ideas, bright ideas.
-- Eric Bentley

Ours is the first age in history which has asked the child what he would tolerate learning.
-- Flannery O'Connor

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry

Overall, the results [of their study] showed that incompetence is even worse than it appears to be and forms a sort of unholy trinity of cluelessness. The incompetent don't perform up to speed; don't recognize their lack of competence; and don't even recognize the competence of other people.
-- Justin Kruger and David Dunning

Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.
-- Colin Powell

Pain and pleasure, like light and darkness, succeed each other.
-- Laurence Sterne

Painting is easy when you don't know how, but very difficult when you do.
-- Edgar Degas

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D.J. Hicks

"Parent choice" proceeds from the belief that the purpose of education is to provide individual students with an education. In fact, educating the individual is but a means to the true end of education, which is to create a viable social order to which individuals contribute and by which they are sustained. "Family choice" is, therefore, basically selfish and anti-social in that it focuses on the "wants" of a single family rather than the "needs" of society.
-- Association of California School Administrators

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
-- Ogden Nash

Parking lot attendees are the sixteen-year-old kids you pay to drive the car you won't let your sixteen-year-old touch.
-- Tom Antion

Parsifal -- the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock and after it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6:20.
-- David Randolph

Passion holds up the bottom of the world, while genius paints its roof.
-- Chang Ch'ao

Pattycake, pattycake, baker's man; good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist
-- Monty Python

Pay no attention to what the critics say. No statue has ever been erected to a critic.
-- Jean Sibelius

Peace if possible, truth at all costs.
-- Martin Luther

Peace is more important than all justice; and peace was not made for the sake of justice, but justice for the sake of peace.
-- Martin Luther

People are already talking about the next presidential election. There's stories all over about who might run. At a recent speech, a prominent Democrat said that Hillary Clinton should not run because she can't win. Immediately after the speech, Hillary told her husband to shut up.
-- Conan O'Brien

People are driving way too fast. Speed is the primary ingredient toward that.
-- Roy Barnes, Georgia governor

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
-- Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

People are very inclined to set moral standards for others.
-- Elizabeth Drew

People are very open-minded about new things -- as long as they're exactly like the old ones.
-- Charles F. Kettering

People can say what they like about the eternal verities, love and truth and so on, but nothing's as eternal as the dishes.
-- Margaret Mahy

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
-- Soren Kierkegaard

People despise the lust for power that originates from a craving for homage and for the attributes of power.
-- Konstantin Ushinsky

People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they were willing actually to remain fools.
-- Alice Walker

People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.
-- Robert Keith Leavitt

People don't know about the human part of me that really cares about the world. For instance, I don't know what I feel about wearing my furs anymore. I worked so hard to have a fur coat and I don't want to wear it anymore because I'm so wrapped up in the animals. I have deep thoughts about it because I care about the world and nature.
-- Diana Ross

People don't resent having nothing nearly as much as too little.
-- Ivy Compton-Burnett

People do think that if they avoid the truth, it might change to something better before they have to hear it.
-- Marsha Norman

People everywhere confuse what they read in the newspaper with news.
-- A.J. Liebling

People fascinated by the idea of progress never suspect that every step forward is also a step on the way to the end.
-- Milan Kundera

People move forward into the future out of the way they comprehend the past. When we don't understand something in our past, we are therefore crippled.
-- Norman Mailer

People rarely credit their successes to anyone else, but they are certainly eager to give full credit to someone else for their failures.
-- Thea Clark

People say I live in my own little fantasy world...well, at least they *know* me there!
-- D.L. Roth

People say I'm indecisive, but I don't know about that.
-- George H.W. Bush

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
-- Joan Rivers

People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
-- Bob Dylan

People seldom improve when they have no other model but themselves to copy after.
-- Oliver Goldsmith

People talk about love as though it were something you could give, like an armful of flowers. And a lot of people give love like that -- just dump it down on top of you, a useless strong-scented burden.
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

People tend to want to follow the beaten path. The difficulty is that the beaten path doesn't seem to be leading anywhere.
-- Charles M. Mathias, Jr.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.
-- Ray Romano

People think that if [their abusive] parent apologizes, he'll turn into the person they needed him to be. He won't. An apology might help, but you can change your life without one.
-- Robin Quivers

People today are still living off the table scraps of the 60s. They are still being passed around -- the music and the ideas.
-- Bob Dylan

People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.
-- Richard J. Needham

People who are smart get into MENSA. People who are really smart look around and leave.
-- James Randi

People who break their word in Japan kill themselves. People who break their word here kill you.
-- Michael Caine

People who demand neutrality in any situation are usually not neutral but in favor of the status quo.
-- Max Eastman

People who do not understand themselves have a craving for understanding.
-- Wilhelm Stekel

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
-- Ann Landers

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
-- Abigail Van Buren

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
-- Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

People who look for symbolic meaning fail to grasp the inherent poetry and mystery of the images.
-- René Magritte

People who want the most approval get the least and people who need approval the least get the most.
-- Wayne Dyer

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Perhaps it is impossible for a person who does no good to do no harm.
-- Harriet Beecher Stowe

Perhaps some folks on the right have been too quick to make moral compromises in the name of fighting a enemy, be it communism or Islamist terrorism. Some folks on the left are less willing to make those moral compromises... but one can't help but wonder if that stems from an opposition to moral compromises, or an opposition to the fight in the first place.
-- Jim Geraghty

Perhaps the reward of the spirit who tries is not the goal but the exercise.
-- E.V. Cooke

Perserverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.
-- Walter Elliott

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.
-- Newt Gingrich

Personality is to a man what perfume is to a flower.
-- Charles M. Schwab

Personally, being somewhat envious of Richard's (Thompson) songwriting and guitar playing, it's somewhat satisfying he's not yet achieved household-name status. It serves him right for being so good.
-- David Byrne

Pessimism is not only unwarranted, it is also a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think the cause is lost, it will be. No one works hard for a cause they think will lose.
-- Lawrence W. Reed

Philosophy goes no further than probabilities, and in every assertion keeps a doubt in reserve.
-- James A. Froude

Philosophy is perfectly right in saying that life must be understood backward. But then one forgets the other clause -- that it must be lived forward.
-- Soren Kierkegaard

Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-- Karl Marx

Physical bravery is an animal instinct; moral bravery is a much higher and truer courage.
-- Wendell Phillips

Physicists and astronomers see their own implications in the world being round, but to me it means that only one-third of the world is asleep at any given time and the other two-thirds is up to something.
-- Dean Rusk

Physics isn't a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
-- Leon Lederman

Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
-- Jonathan Kozol

Pithy sentences are like sharp nails driving truth into our memory.
-- Denis Diderot

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.
-- Katharine Hepburn

Poetry is not a way of saying things; it's a way of seeing things.
-- Karl Shapiro

Poetry is the journal of a sea animal living on land, wanting to fly in the air.
-- Carl Sandburg

Poetry is the record of the best and happiest moments of the happiest and best minds.
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Poetry lifts the veil from the hidden beauty of the world, and makes familiar objects be as if they were not familiar.
-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Poets are literal-minded men who will squeeze a word till it hurts.
-- Archibald MacLeish

Poets, we know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation one of the things they are most sensitive about is money.
-- Robert Penn Warren

Policeman are soldiers who act alone; soldiers are policeman who act in unison.
-- Herbert Spencer

Political campaigns are the graveyard of real ideas and the birthplace of empty promises.
-- Teresa Heinz Kerry

[Political] conventions lend themselves to pandering, as few politicians can resist the temptation to tell a national television audience how well they will run the country if elected. The problem is that government is not supposed to run the country -- we're supposed to be free.
-- Ron Paul

Political correctness and so many of the political fashions of the day...could only be perpetrated in adolescent minds: minds, that is, that are trained to search out one thing and one thing only...Only an adolescent would find it worthwhile to devote his or her attention chiefly to the hunting of offenses, the possibility of slights, real and imagined.
-- Joseph Epstein

Political freedom cannot exist in any land where religion controls the state, and religious freedom cannot exist in any land where the state controls religion.
-- Sam Ervin

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
-- John Quinton

Politicians are the same all over: they promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
-- Nikita Khrushchev

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
-- Ernest Benn

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
-- Oscar Ameringer

Poll: Alabamians believe not enogh spent on education.
-- Headline from the online Alabama News

Poor people send their children to school to be bastards. Rich people teach that at home.
-- Gerald Barzan

Posterity shall know of me even less than I shall know of posterity.
-- W.S. Gilbert

Poverty wants some things, luxury many, avarice all things.
-- Abraham Cowley

Power can be enjoyed only when it is recognized and feared. Fearlessness in those without power is maddening for those who have it.
- Tobias Wolff

Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts, perhaps the fear of a loss of power.
-- John Steinbeck

Powers once assumed are never relinquished, just as bureaucracies, once created, never die.
-- Charley Reese

Practical prayer is harder on the soles of your shoes than on the knees of your trousers.
-- Austin O'Malley

Praise the beautiful for their intelligence and the intelligent for their beauty.
-- Casanova (On the secret to his success)

Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things.
-- Samuel M. Shoemaker

Preach the Gospel at all times. If necessary, use words.
-- St. Francis of Assisi

Prejudice is a raft onto which the shipwrecked mind clambers and paddles to safety.
-- Ben Hecht

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right.
-- Ezra Taft Benson

Principle #6: Recognition that change and reform are not identical, and that innovation is a devouring conflagration more often than it is a torch of progress.
-- Russell Kirk

Principle has been almost entirely abandoned in favor of pragmatism. People today don't understand principle, even though this nation was founded on a commitment to bedrock principle.
-- Barry Goldwater

Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
-- Christopher Parker

Programming is a Dark Art, and it will always be. The programmer is fighting against the two most destructive forces in the universe: entropy and human stupidity. They're not things you can always overcome with a "methodology" or on a schedule.
-- Damian Conway

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
-- Ogden Nash

Propaganda must not serve the truth, especially insofar as it might bring out something favorable for the opponent.
-- Adolf Hitler

Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.
-- Darrell Huff

Property is a central economic institution of any society, and private property is the central institution of a free society.
-- David Friedman

Pro-rated at 500 at-bats per year, my 1,081 strike-outs would mean that for 2 years out of the 14 I played, I never touched the ball.
-- Norm Cash

Proverbs contradict each other. That is the wisdom of a people.
-- Stanislaw Lem

Psychiatry is probably the single most destructive force that has affected the American society within the last fifty years.
-- Thomas S. Szasz

[Psychoanalysis] is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.
-- Karen Horney

Psychology keeps trying to vindicate human nature. History keeps undermining the effort.
-- Mason Cooley

Psychology which explains everything
Explains nothing,
and we are still in doubt.
-- Marianne Moore

Publicly inconsolable about the fact that racism continues, these activists seem privately terrified that it has abated.
-- Dinesh D'Souza

Public opinion is a compound of folly, weakness, prejudice, wrong feeling, right feeling, obstinacy, and newspaper paragraphs.
-- Sir Robert Peel

Punk [rock] seemed like rock 'n' roll music utterly without the music.
-- Steve Winwood

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Put it back in the horse!
-- H. Allen Smith (tasting his first American beer)

Putting a computer in front of a child and expecting it to teach him is like putting a book under his pillow, only more expensive.

Putting a murderer in jail means one less murderer on the street. Putting a drug dealer in jail means a job opening.
-- Joshua Wolf Shenk

Put your trust in God, but keep your powder dry.
-- Oliver Cromwell

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Quick: try to think of a single movie about the horrors of Stalinism. This is not a failure of imagination. This is moral meltdown.
-- Mona Charen

Quite obviously a cat trusts human beings; but she doesn't trust another cat because she knows better than we do.
-- Karel Capek

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
-- Ed Asner

Rambo isn't violent. I see Rambo as a philanthropist.
-- Sylvester Stallone

Rank and riches are chains of gold, but still chains.
-- Giovanni Ruffini

Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together.
-- Petrarch

Reading and writing, arithmetic and grammar do not constitute education, any more than a knife, fork and spoon constitute a dinner.
-- Sir John Lubbock

Reading furnishes the mind only with materials for knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours.
-- John Locke

Read the Declaration of Independence to your children as a tradition every Fourth of July. Make sure they understand why the word "pursuit" precedes the word "happiness."
-- Jeff Bezos

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he'd run unopposed, he would have lost.
-- Mort Sahl

Real difficulties can be overcome; it is the imaginary ones that are unconquerable.
-- Theodore N. Vail

Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit.
-- Hosea Ballou

Real integrity stays in place whether the test is adversity or prosperity.
-- Charles Swindoll

Reality is that which refuses to go away when I stop believing in it.
-- Philip K. Dick

(R)eality TV (is) a medium dedicated to the proposition that with the help of judicious editing, carefully chosen half-wits can hold the attention of millions of their fellow half-wits for weeks on end.
-- Terry Teachout

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
-- Confucius

Real love is a pilgrimage. It happens when there is no strategy, but it is very rare because most people are strategists.
-- Anita Brookner

Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!

Real rebels are rarely anything but second rate outside their rebellion; the drain of time and temper is ruinous to any other accomplishment.
-- James Gould Cozzens

Recently, someone asked me if I believe in astrology. He seemed somewhat puzzled when I explained that the reason I don't is that I'm a Gemini.
-- Raymond Smullyan

Reforms come from the bottom. No man with four aces requests a new deal.
-- Frank Baer

Regard for individual life was a necessary sacrifice in Lenin's ambition to enhance life in the future.
-- Theodore Von Laue

Regular expressions aren't random jumbles of punctuation -- they're carefully thought out jumbles of punctuation.
-- The Perl Cookbook

Rehab is for quitters.

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
-- Bob Ettinger

Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two 's's while DESERT is spelled with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts.
-- Miss Oglethorp, Grade 5, PS 59

Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
-- Jim Samuels

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
-- Darrin Weinberg

Remember that what is unbecoming to do is unbecoming to speak of.
-- Isocrates

Remember the five-step response of all experts when first confronted with a new development in their field: IGNORE, RIDICULE, ATTACK, COPY, STEAL.
-- Arthur Jones

Remember the good old days when a guy ran for president and lost and you never heard from him again?
-- Greg Crosby

Remember, the problem is not that people are stupid; the problem is that modems are cheap.
-- Vince Sabio

Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
Yogi Berra: "Closed."

Republics are created by the virtue, public spirit, and intelligence of the citizens. They fall, when the wise are banished from the public councils, because they dare to be honest, and the profligate are rewarded, because they flatter the people, in order to betray them.
-- Joseph Story

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.
-- Matt Lauer

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher Von Braun

Reserve some hours daily to examine yourself and fortune; for if you embark yourself in perpetual conversation or recreation, you will certainly shipwreck your mind and fortune.
-- Anne of Austria

Respectable men and women content with good and easy living are missing some of the most important things in life. Unless you give yourself to some great cause you haven't even begun to live.
-- William P. Merrill

Responsibility is the thing people dread most of all. Yet it is the one thing in the world that develops us, gives us manhood or womanhood fibre.
-- Frank Crane

Rest satisfied with doing well, and leave others to talk of you as they please.
-- Pythagoras

Retired Four-Star General Wesley Clark, who served as NATO commander during the 1999 Kosovo campaign, said today that he's tired of being so well known. To lower his public profile he [declared] his candidacy for the Democrat presidential nomination. 'It's just like the Federal witness protection program,' said Gen. Clark. 'A recent poll showed that most people couldn't name a single Democrat candidate. That's the kind of anonymity I'm looking for'.
-- Scott Ott

Reveal not every secret you have to a friend, for how can you tell but that friend may hereafter become an enemy. And bring not all the mischief you are able to do upon an enemy, for he may one day become your friend.
-- Sadi

Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: Whaaaat... doessss... an... ammmmmmber... liiiiiight...

Rich people plan for four generations. Poor people plan for Saturday night.
-- Gloria Steinem

Ridicule is the first and last argument of fools.
-- Charles Simmons

Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.
-- Bo Belinsky, Baseball Player

Right now, I have the three C's: comfortable, confident, and seeing the ball well.
-- Jay Buhner, Baseball Player

Rock bands are a lot like football teams: If a guy is on drugs and messes up, get someone else who's proud to wear the uniform and be part of the team.
-- Gene Simmons

Rock is very, very important and very, very ridiculous.
-- Pete Townshend

Rock music is some of the most impoverished music the world has ever heard, a fact that is hard to square with the sophisticated technologies that produced it.
-- Julian Johnson

Rock won't eliminate your problems,. But it will let you sort of dance all over them.
-- Pete Townshend

Rome wasn't born in a day.
-- Johnny Logan, Baseball Player

Ronald Reagan told the truth to a world made weary by lies. He believed truth was the only platform on which a better future could be built. He shocked the world when he called the Soviet Union 'evil,' because it was, and an 'empire,' because it was that, too. He never stopped bringing his message to the people of the world, to Europe and China and in the end the Soviet Union. And when it was over, the Berlin Wall had been turned into a million concrete souvenirs, and Soviet communism had fallen. But of course it didn't fall. It was pushed. By Mr. Know Nothing Cowboy Gunslinger Dimwit. All presidents should be so stupid.
-- Peggy Noonan

Rulers do not reduce taxes to be kind. Expediency and greed create high taxation, and normally it takes an impending catastrophe to bring it down.
-- Charles Adams

Saddam Hussein was very just: he distributed mass graveyards all over the country.
-- Adnan Jabbar al-Saadi

Sanity is like money; you should just have enough to get by. Any more and you turn into a freak.
-- Ron Echeverri

Santa Claus gets his very own category of creepy. In an overzealous effort to make Saint Nick look like he has some kind of benevolent inner glow, the filmmakers make him look downright radioactive. It's enough to make you want to skip the milk and cookies and don rubber gloves and protective clothing on Christmas Eve.
-- Paul Clinton (reviewing The Polar Express)

Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning.
-- Joel Segal

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.
-- Ernest Haskins

[S]aving lives is more important than preserving the quality of life. Quality of life is always amenable to improvement. Death is permanent.
-- Benjamin Netanyahu

Saw something that came close to truth in advertising. The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean, folks. The old DeBeers slogan was "Diamonds are forever." Then they changed it to "This year, take her breath away." The new slogan is "Diamonds render her speechless." Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds...that'll shut her up!"
-- Ron White

Schools should recognize that they cannot treat all students alike or they run the risk of denying equal educational opportunity to all persons.
-- National Council for the Social Studies

School was where I went to fall short of my potential.
-- Michael Shapiro

Science is built with facts as a house is with stones -- but a collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house.
-- Jules Henri Poincaré

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
-- Aubrey Eben

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.
-- Immanuel Kant

Science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.
-- Donald Knuth

Scientists, especially when they leave the particular field in which they have specialised, are just as ordinary, pig-headed and unreasonable as anybody else, and their unusually high intelligence makes their prejudices all the more dangerous.
-- H.J Eysenck

Scientists often have a naive faith that if only they could discover enough facts about a problem, these facts would somehow arrange themselves in a compelling and true solution.
-- Theodosius Dobzhansky

Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.
-- Dr. Joyce Brothers

Scott Bullett, as he takes left field, is getting congratulations from everybody. He and his daughter are parents of a new baby.
-- Harry Caray

Scratch a pessimist and you find often a defender of privilege.
-- William Henry Beveridge

Security can only be achieved through constant change, through discarding old ideas that have outlived their usefulness and adapting others to current facts.
-- William O. Douglas

See everything: overlook a great deal: correct a little.
-- Pope John XXII

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean.
-- David Searls

Seek beauty and miss love.
But seek love and find both.
-- Mac Lucado

See that? That cement head is thinking more about that girl than today's game. Remember this, son. One percent of ballplayers are leaders of men. The other 99 percent are followers of women.
-- John McGraw

Seize opportunity by the beard for it is bald behind.
-- Bulgarian Proverb

Self-education is, I firmly believe, the only kind of education there is. The only function of a school is to make self-education easier; failing that, it does nothing.
-- Isaac Asimov

Self-importance requires spending most of one's life offended by something or someone.
-- Carlos Castaneda

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
-- Ruth Rendell

Self-plagiarism is style.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control. These three alone lead to sovereign power.
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.
-- Graham Greene

Setting a goal is not the main thing. It is deciding how you will go about achieving it and staying with that plan.
-- Tom Landry

Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.
-- Andy Warhol

Sex is the one thing you cannot really swindle; and it is the center of the worst swindling of all, emotional swindling.
-- D.H. Lawrence

Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?
-- Sir James Barrie

Sharing knowledge is the most fundamental act of friendship. Because it is a way you can give something without loosing something.
-- Richard Stallman

She began the first of what we later called 'my lessons in living.' She said that I must always be intolerant of ignorance but understanding of illiteracy.
-- Maya Angelou

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
-- Tommy Manville

She had an unequaled gift of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities.
-- Henry James

She had a womanly instinct that clothes possess an influence more powerful over many than the worth of character or the magic of manners.
-- Louisa May Alcott

She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
-- Gypsy Rose Lee

She is too fond of books and it has turned her brain.
-- Louisa May Alcott

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
-- Michael Arlen

She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking forward to a happy and wonderful night -- uh, life.
-- Ted Kennedy

She should get a divorce and settle down.
-- Jack Paar

Should reality be something that only a handful of the world's most advanced physicists understand? One would expect at least a majority of people to understand it. Should reality be expressible only in symbols that require university-level mathematics to manipulate? Should it be something that changes from year to year as new scientific theories are formulated? Should it be something about which

Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
-- Martin Mull

Show me a good and gracious loser and I'll show you a failure.
-- Knute Rockne

Show me a guy who's afraid to look bad, and I'll show you a guy you can beat every time.
-- Lou Brock

Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
-- Homer Simpson

Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-- Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet

Silence is the only virtue he has left.

Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone.
-- G.B. Stearn

Simple things amuse simple minds.
-- Richard Clark

Simplicity of character is no hindrance to subtlety of intellect.
-- John, Lord Morley

Since 1789 history has had a new perspective, revolution being a successful revolt, and revolt a revolution that has failed.
-- André Malraux

Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of.
Since Hiroshima we know what is at stake.
-- Viktor Frankl

Since the beginning of time, children have not liked to study. They would much rather play, and if you have their interests at heart, you will let them learn while they play; they will find that what they have mastered is child's play.
-- Carl Orff

Since the social victim has been oppressed by society, he comes to feel that his individual life will be improved more by changes in society than by his own initiative. Without realizing it, he makes society rather than himself the agent of change. The power he finds in his victimization may lead him to collective action against society, but it also encourages passivity within the sphere of his personal life.
-- Shelby Steele

[S]ince when did government programs need to 'work'? The list of programs that fail, whose unintended consequences exacerbate problems, simply boggles the mind... So here's the drill. Congress passes laws, never mind the impact. Congress sometimes studies the impact of laws, frequently ignoring its findings. And, written in government-speak, reports often serve to confuse, confound and, every now and then, entertain. For example, one government study injected deadly gas into a cage of laboratory rats, killing all. The report's conclusion? The experiment induced a '100 percent mortality response.' Gotta love it.
-- Larry Elder

Sin makes its own hell, and goodness its own heaven.
-- Mary Baker Eddy

Sitting in those cafés, eating the good food, it was easy to conclude that Europeans sure know how to live...because they don't know how to work.
-- Jim Geraghty

Six essential qualities that are the key to success: Sincerity, personal integrity, humility, courtesy, wisdom, charity.
-- Dr. William Menninger

Sixty years of Western nations excusing and accommodating the lack of freedom in the Middle East did nothing to make us safe because in the long run stability cannot be purchased at the expense of liberty. ... The global wave of democracy has barely reached the Arab states. For too long, many people in that region have been victims and subjects. They deserve to be active citizens.
-- George W. Bush

Skill and confidence are an unconquered army.
-- George Herbert

Skill in the art of communication is crucial to a leader's success. He can accomplish nothing unless he can communicate effectively.
-- Norman Allen

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art.
-- Tom Stoppard

Slight not what's near through aiming at what's far.
-- Euripides

Slowly but without question -- and Presidents' Day is only one example -- Americans are forgetting and ignoring the men and events that have made this nation great.
-- Lyn Nofziger

Small crimes always precede great ones. Never have we seen timid innocence pass suddenly to extreme licentiousness.
-- Jean Baptiste Racine

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel

So basically, I don't know what I'm talking about. But maybe I do.
-- Jenny McCarthy

Societies that do not eat people are fascinated by those that do.
-- Ronald Wright

So little time and so little to do.
-- Oscar Levant

So long as the system of competition in the production and exchange of the means of life goes on, the degradation of the arts will go on; and if that system is to last for ever, then art is doomed, and will surely die.
-- William Morris

Some citizens are so good that nothing a leader can do will make them better. Others are so incorrigible that nothing can be done to improve them. But the great bulk of the people go with the moral tide of the moment. The leader must help create that tide.

Some coaches pray for wisdom. I pray for 260-pound tackles. They'll give me plenty of wisdom.
-- Chuck Noll

Some days you tame the tiger. And some days the tiger has you for lunch.
-- Tug McGraw (describing a reliever's life)

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.
-- Ogden Nash

Some folk are wise, and some are otherwise.
-- Tobias Smollett

Some folks go through life pleased that the glass is half full. Others spend a lifetime lamenting that it's half-empty. The truth is: There is a glass with a certain volume of liquid in it. From there, it's up to you!
-- Dr. James S. Vuocolo

Somehow we've even developed the notion that a woman who seeks to meet her husband's needs is subservient (but a husband who fails to meet his wife's needs is a pig.)
-- Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Some members of Congress will claim that the federal government needs the power to monitor Americans in order to allow the government to operate more efficiently. I would remind my colleagues that, in a constitutional republic, the people are never asked to sacrifice their liberties to make the jobs of government officials easier.
-- Ron Paul

Some men think the earth is round, others think it flat. It is a matter capable of question. But if it is flat, will the king's command make it round. And if it is round, will the king's command flatten it? No, I will not sign.
-- Thomas More (refusing to sign an oath affirming Henry VIII as head of the Church)

Some might consider him as too fond of fame; for the desire of glory clings even to the best men longer than any other passion.
-- Tacitus

Some of mankind's most terrible misdeeds have been committed under the spell of certain magic words or phrases.
-- James Bryant Conant

Some of my fellow academics are very hostile, but I sympathize with them. They've been asleep for 500 years and they don't like anybody who comes along and stirs them up.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Some of our friends are for it. Some of our friends are against it. And we're standing with our friends.
-- Mike McCurry, Clinton press secretary

Some of the facts are true, some are distorted, and some are untrue.
-- a State Department spokesperson, responding to an article in Foreign Policy

Some of us are like wheelbarrows -- only useful when pushed, and very easily upset.
-- Jack Herbert

Someone has said that it requires less mental effort to condemn than to think.
-- Emma Goldman

Some people are always grumbling that roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses.
-- Alphonse Karr

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
-- Gordon R. Dickson

Some people pay their bills when due, some when they're overdue, and some never do.
-- Earl Wilson

Some people seem as if they can never have been children, and others seem as if they could never be anything else.
-- George D. Prentice

Some people stay longer in an hour than others do in a month.
-- William Dean Howells

Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back into the shell.
-- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

Some people think they are worth a lot of money just because they have it.
-- Fannie Hurst

Some people use one half their ingenuity to get into debt, and the other half to avoid paying it.
-- George D. Prentice

Some people will believe anything if you whisper it to them.
-- Louis Nizer

Some references to religion in public life and government are the inevitable consequences of our Nation's origins ... Eradicating such references would sever ties to a history that sustains this Nation even today.
-- Sandra Day O'Connor

So Merrill Lynch has launched its first campaign in years to advertise the accomplishments of its investment banking business. The ads feature things like Merrill's recapitalization of Sierra Pacific. I guess including "helping Enron achieve its earnings goals in 1999" might be a little awkward given that Merrill Lynch bankers are currently on trial in Houston for that "accomplishment."
-- Bethany McLean

Some say that by fighting the terrorists abroad since September the 11th, we only stir up a hornets' nest. But the terrorists who struck that day were stirred up already. If America were not fighting terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan and elsewhere, what would these thousands of killers do -- suddenly begin leading productive lives of service and charity? ... We are dealing here with killers who have made the death of Americans the calling of their lives.
-- George W. Bush

Somethin' like four thousand bottles have been thrown at me in my day but only about twenty ever hit me. That does not speak very well for the accuracy of the fans' throwing.
-- Harry "Steamboat" Johnson (Baseball umpire)

Sometimes a big jagged fact gets caught up in the Colon of Consciousness, requiring you to use the Enema Kit of Enlightenment.
-- Travis Ruetenik

Sometimes all you have to do to inspire humans to greatness is give them a reason and an opportunity to do something great.
-- Brian Austin Whitney

Sometimes a majority simply means that all the fools are on the same side.
-- Claude McDonald

Sometimes if you talk trash, you end up taking out the garbage.
-- Len Elmore

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charles Schulz

Sometimes in order to make progress and move ahead, you have to stand up and do the wrong thing.
-- Congressman Gary Ackerman

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
-- Paul Rodriguez

Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the idea is quite staggering.
-- Arthur C. Clarke

Sometimes the best way to convince someone he is wrong is to let him have his way.
-- Red O'Donnell

Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done.
-- Al Bernstein

Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her.
-- Andy Capp

Sometimes when you lose you win, son. Failure is just life's way of preparing you for success.
-- Bernie Mac

Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make.
-- Donald Trump

Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
-- N.V. Plyter

Some who call themselves realists question whether the spread of democracy in the Middle East should be any concern of ours. But the realists in this case have lost contact with a fundamental reality: America has always been less secure when freedom is in retreat; America is always more secure when freedom is on the march.
-- George W. Bush

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
-- Marsha Warfield

So much attention is paid to the aggressive sins, such as violence and cruelty and greed with all their tragic effects, that too little attention is paid to the passive sins, such as apathy and laziness, which in the long run can have a more devastating and destructive effect upon our society than the others.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Sophistication is a light veneer easily dissolved in alcohol.

[S]orrow is better than fear. For fear impoverishes always, while sorrow may enrich. Sorrow is better than fear. Fear is a journey, a terrible journey, but sorrow is at least an arriving.
-- Alan Paton

So that this nation may long endure, I urge you to follow in the hallowed footsteps of the great disobediences of history that freed exiles, founded religions, defeated tyrants, and yes, in the hands of an aroused rabble in arms and a few great men, by God's grace, built this country.
-- Charlton Heston

Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap character. Sow character and you reap destiny.
-- Charles Reade

So, what the statement, "In order to view this site you must be using ...", really means is, "Access to this site is restricted by the inability or arrogant refusal of the designer to figure out how to make it display properly on anything other than their chosen configuration".
-- Dick Gaughan

So you've got this President, who'd been waving his wand at everyone who walked by for their entire marriage, and he does it in the Oval Office with an intern and she says that Starr's the one obsessed with sex? Hello?
-- Brit Hume (questioning Hillary's response to the Lewinsky scandal)

Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible.
-- Emily Dickinson

Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both.
-- John Andrew Holmes

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
-- Robert Orben

Stalin and Mao killed over 80 million and did not make omelets despite the broken eggs.
-- Victor Davis Hanson

Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
-- St. Francis of Assisi

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
-- Aaron Levenstein

Statistics are no substitute for judgement.
-- Henry Clay

Statistics are the triumph of the quantitative method, and the quantitative method is the victory of sterility and death.
-- Hillaire Belloc

Sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan warns: 'Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.'
-- www.mlaw.org

Stop listening to celebrities. They do what they do for money -- that's all. I don't even know why you're listening to me. I've done commercials for both Coke and Pepsi. Truth is, I can't even taste the difference, but Pepsi paid me last, so there it is.
-- Dave Chappelle

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Stories never really end. They can go on and on. It's just that sometimes, at a certain point, one stops telling them.
-- Mary Norton

Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy.
-- Felicia Hemans

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.
-- Judith Viorst

Strive to be like a well-regulated watch, of pure gold, with open face, busy hands, and full of good works.
-- David C. Newquist

Students now arrive at the university ignorant and cynical about our political heritage, lacking the wherewithal to be either inspired by it or seriously critical of it.
-- Allan Bloom

Style is a simple way of saying complicated things.
-- Jean Cocteau

Success has made failures of many men.
-- Cindy Adams

Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.
-- Sloan Wilson

Success in marriage consists not only in finding the right mate, but also in being the right mate.
-- D.L. Moody

Success is always somebody else's opinion of you; but it doesn't amount to a damn compared to your own opinion of yourself.
-- Jack Lemmon

Success is counted sweetest
By those who ne're succeed.
-- Emily Dickinson

Success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get.
-- Charles F. Kettering

Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world except money.
-- Johnny Cash

Success is more a function of consistent common sense than it is of genius.
-- An Wang

Success is never final, but failure can be.
-- Bill Parcells

Success is never wondering what if.
-- Karrie Huffman

Success is ninety-nine percent failure.
-- Soichiro Honda

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
-- Earl Wilson

Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
-- Adolf Hitler

Such is human psychology that if we don't express our joy, we soon cease to feel it.
-- Lin Yu Tang

Suffering is a good teacher. It keeps you in its grip until you've learned your lesson.
-- Bernie Mac

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
-- Donald Kaul

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.
-- Robert Orben

Sundance [Film Festival] is weird. The movies are weird -- you actually have to think about them when you watch them.
-- Britney Spears

Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
-- Martin Luther

Surely a King who loves pleasure is less dangerous than one who loves glory.
-- Nancy Mitford

Surely the day will come when color means nothing more than the skin tone, when religion is seen uniquely as a way to speak one's soul; when birth places have the weight of a throw of the dice and all men are born free, when understanding breeds love and brotherhood.
-- Josephine Baker

Surgery.
-- John Huston (when asked the secret of his long life)

Surrounding yourself with dwarfs does not make you a giant.
-- Yiddish Proverb

Sweat plus sacrifice equals success.
-- Charlie Finley

Swift justice demands more than just swiftness.
-- Potter Stewart

Sympathy is a virtue unknown in nature.
-- Paul Eipper

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when you wish they really were.
-- Sarah Kingham

Take back your atom bomb
Give us back the arrow
God's eye is on the neutron
As well as on the sparrow.
-- Peter LaFarge

Take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, and terrified citizens will phone the police and report: 'There's a naked person outside!'
-- Mike Nichols

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.
-- Ovid

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
-- Booth Tarkington

Talent is a flame. Genius is a fire.
-- Bern Williams

Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.
-- John Wooden

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
-- Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Talk is cheap -- except when Congress does it.
-- Cullen Hightower

Tattoos are like stories. They're symbolic of the important moments in your life. Sitting down, talking about where you got each tattoo and what it symbolizes is really beautiful. Body piercing, too, I think is beautiful.
-- Pamela Anderson

Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.
-- Gerald Barzan

[T]ax cuts are not just something that all taxpayers deserve, but also the best way to curb government spending. It is the best kind of tax reform. If the money never reaches the table, Congress can't gobble it up.
-- Senator Zell Miller

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
-- Art Buchwald

Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."
-- Senator Russell Long

Teachers open the door. You enter yourself.
-- Chinese Proverb

Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a lost tradition.
-- Jacques Barzun

Tears are not arguments.
-- Machado de Assis

Teenagers used to go to the movies to see adults having sex. Today adults go to the movies to see teenagers having sex.
-- Roger Ebert

Television captures the mind but does not liberate it. A good book at once stimulates and frees the mind.
-- Bruno Bettelheim

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
-- Art Buchwald

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
-- Ann Landers

Television is a gold goose that lays scrambled eggs and it is futile and probably fatal to beat it for not laying caviar.
-- Lee Loevinger

Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.
-- David Frost

Television is basically teaching whether you want it to or not.
-- Jim Henson

Television is democracy at its ugliest.
-- Paddy Chayevsky

Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel.
-- Gore Vidal

Television is teaching all the time. Does more educating than the schools and all the institutions of higher learning.
-- Marshal McLuhan

Television is the first truly democratic culture -- the first culture available to everyone and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
-- Clive Barnes

Television is the literature of the illiterate, the culture of the low-brow, the wealth of the poor, the privilege of the underprivileged, the exclusive club of the excluded masses.
-- Lee Loevinger

Television news provides no more than a kind of child's picture book of almost wordless moving images calculated to stir the emotions rather than the intellect.
-- Ronald Payne

Telling ain't teaching and listening ain't learning.
-- Bob Barkley

Tell me why it is that a toddler will gag over a perfectly wonderful breakfast of ham, eggs, biscuits, juice, and jelly. But then he will enthusiastically drink the dog's water and play in the toilet. Truly, he is his mother's greatest challenge...; and her most inexpressible joy.
-- James Dobson

Temptation rarely comes in working hours. It is in their leisure hours that men are made or marred.
-- W.M. Taylor

Thank God, I am still an atheist.
-- Luis Buñuel

Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.
-- A.P. Herbert

Thank heaven you can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
-- Rick Jones

Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.
-- Charles Kuralt

Thank you for evoking memories, particularly of days gone by.
-- Mike Ingham, BBC announcer

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.
-- Moses Hadas

That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.
-- Charles Chincholles

[T]hat, in a few years, all great physical constants will have been approximately estimated, and that the only occupation which will be left to men of science will be to carry these measurements to another place of decimals.
-- James Clerk Maxwell, 1871

That is suitable to a man, in point of ornamental expense, not which he can afford to have, but which he can afford to lose.
-- Richard Whately

That is the thankless position of the father in the family -- the provider for all, and the enemy of all.
-- August Strindberg

That man is so repugnant. All of these satanic murderers are.
-- Geraldo Rivera (describing Charles Manson)

"That proves you are unusual," returned the Scarecrow, "And I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed."
-- L. Frank Baum

That sorrow which is the harbinger of joy is preferable to the joy which is followed by sorrow.
-- Sadi

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
-- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

That's what I consider true generosity. You give your all and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing.
-- Simone de Beauvoir

That's why I don't talk. Because I talk too much.
-- Joquin Andujar

That which is called firmness in a king is called obstinacy in a donkey.
-- Lord Erskine

That which makes people dissatisfied with their condition, is the chimerical idea they form of the happiness of others.
-- James Thomson

That wouldn't be a home run in a phone booth.
-- Harry Caray (On an infield pop-up by a Cubs slugger)

The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!
-- Terry Moore

The 20th century, which was to have yielded the sweet fruits of scientific progress, was instead a century of massive brutality, wholesale carnage, and random destruction such as the world had never seen. We learned, or should have learned, that the advancement of science does not necessarily correspond with an advancement of virtue. When technology increases man's power, it extends the impact and scope of his capability to do evil as well as good. The separation of science from ethics and morality has been and can be disastrous.
-- Linda Bowles

The 850 (Fiat) Spider was especially bad because it was actually a really nice-looking car and was something of a babe magnet, so hopeful (read: horny) idiots like me kept pouring money into it in a futile attempt to keep it operational for more than a few days at a time. They not only looked like toy cars, they were designed and built as though they were toys. It does not surprise me that the Italians had some problems in WWII, especially if anybody connected with Fiat was involved.
-- Ken Hehmeyer

The abolishment of pain in surgery is chimera. It is absurd to go on seeking it today. 'Knife' and 'pain' are two words in surgery that must forever be associated in the consciousness of the patient. To this compulsory combination we shall have to adjust ourselves.
-- Dr. Alfred Velpeau, 1839

The absent are always in the wrong.
-- English Proverb

The absent are like children, helpless to defend themselves.
-- Charles Reade

The actual Irish weather report is really a recording made in 1922, which no one has had occasion to change. "Scattered showers, periods of sunshine."
-- Wilfrid Sheed

The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.
-- Clifton Fadiman

The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving.
-- Russell Green

The affections are like lightning: you cannot tell where they will strike till they have fallen.
-- Jean Baptiste Lacordaire

The aggressor is always peace-loving; he would prefer to take over our country unopposed.
-- Carl von Clausewitz

The aim of the college, for the individual student, is to eliminate the need in his life for the college; the task is to help him become a self-educating man.
-- C. Wright Mills

The American government is a rule of the people, by the people, and for the boss.
-- Austin O'Malley

The American male doesn't mature until he has exhausted all other possibilities.
-- Wilfred Sheed

The anvil is not afraid of the hammer.
-- Charles H. Spurgeon

The argument that the two parties should represent opposed ideals and politics of the Right and Left, is a foolish idea; the two parties should be almost identical, so that the American people can "throw the rascals out" without leading to any profound or extensive shifts in policy. It should be possible to replace one party with the other party which will pursue, with new vigor, approximately the same basic policy.
-- Dr. Carroll Quigley

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
-- Emile Zola

The artist must yield himself to his own inspiration, and if he has a true talent, no one knows and feels better than he what suits him. I should compose with utter confidence a subject that sets my blood boiling, even though it were condemned by all other artists as anti-musical...success is impossible for me if I cannot write as my heart dictates.
-- Guiseppe Verdi

The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has just done you a small favor wish that he might have done you a greater one.
-- J. Russell Lynes

The art of the indirect approach can only be mastered, and its full scope appreciated, by study of and reflection upon the whole history of war. But we can at least crystallize the lessons into two simple maxims- one negative, the other positive. The first is that, in face of the overwhelming evidence of history, no general is justified in launching his troops to a direct attack upon an enemy firmly in position. The second, that instead of seeking to upset the enemy's equilibrium by one's attack, it must be upset before a real attack is, or can be successfully launched
-- B.H. Liddell Hart

The attainment of an ideal is often the beginning of a disillusion.
-- Stanley Baldwin

The average person thinks he isn't.
-- Father Larry Lorenzoni

The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.
-- J. Frank Dobie

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.
-- Michael Altshuler

The bandleader is a musician trying to sell a mass commodity; and in order to do so successfully he must accommodate himself to mass standards. Unless he can do this comfortably, sooner or later he is sunk.
-- Artie Shaw

The basic difference between classical music and jazz is that in the former the music is always greater than its performance whereas the way jazz is performed is always more important than what is being played.
-- Andre Previn

The basic problem is that our civilization, which is a civilization of machines, can teach man everything except how to be a man.
-- Andre Malraux

The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words.
-- Philip K. Dick

The battle of life is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honor. If there were no difficulties there would be no success; if there were nothing to struggle for, there would be nothing to be achieved.
-- Samuel Smiles

The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave.
-- Patrick Henry

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their rightful names.
-- Chinese Proverb

The best and fastest way to learn a sport is to watch and imitate a champion.
-- Jean-Claude Killy

The best government is the one that charges you the least blackmail for leaving you alone.
-- Thomas Rudmose-Brown

The best place to hide anything is in plain view.
-- Edgar Allan Poe

The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.
-- William Wordsworth

The best righty, too.
-- Gene Mauch (on being asked if Sandy Koufax was the best lefty ever)

The best teachers aren't those who answer our questions, but those who question our answers.
-- Mardy Grothe

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
-- Dorothy Day

The best time to give feedback to strong people is when they're feeling weak, and to weak people when they're feeling strong.
-- Mardy Grothe

The best way I know of to win an argument is to start by being in the right.
-- Douglas McGarel Hogg

The best way I know to win an argument is to start by being in the right.
-- Lord Hailshan

The best way to alleviate the obesity "public health" crisis is to remove obesity from the realm of public health. It doesn't belong there. It's difficult to think of anything more private and of less public concern than what we choose to put into our bodies. It only becomes a public matter when we force the public to pay for the consequences of those choices.
-- Radley Balko

The best way to beat the Dolphins is to outscore them.
-- John Madden

The best way to become a successful writer is to read good writing, remember it, and then forget where you remember it from.
-- Gene Fowler

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas.
-- Linus Pauling

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth -- something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food -- just watch it, don't eat it.
-- Edward Koch

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
-- Alan Kay

The best way to stop smoking is to just stop -- no ifs, ands or butts.
-- Edith Zittler

The best weapon of a dictatorship is secrecy; the best weapon of a democracy is openness.
-- Edward Teller

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
-- Brendan Behan

The bigger the information media, the less courage and freedom they allow. Bigness means weakness.
-- Eric Sevareid

The bigger the real-life problems, the greater the tendency for the discipline to retreat into a reassuring fantasy-land of abstract theory and technical manipulation.
-- Tom Naylor

The biggest mischief in the past century has been perpetrated by Rousseau with his doctrine of the goodness of human nature. The mob and the intellectuals derived from it the vision of a Golden Age which would arrive without fail once the noble human race could act according to its whims.
-- Jakob Burkhardt

The biggest mistake we could ever make in our lives is to think we work for anybody but ourselves.
-- Brian Tracy

The big thieves hang the little ones.
-- Czech Proverb

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone.
-- Harriet Beecher Stowe

The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and notwithstanding go out to meet it.
-- Thucydides

The breast we strike in joy is not the breast we strike in pain; any man's smile would be consternation on another's mouth.
-- Djuna Barnes

The British left intermittently erupts like a pustule upon the buttock of a rather good country. Seventy years ago it opposed mobilisation against Adolf Hitler and worshiped the other genocide, Josef Stalin. It has marched for Mao, Ho Chi Minh, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Andropov. It has slobbered over Ceausescu and Mugabe. It has demonstrated against everything and everyone American for a century.
-- Frederick Forsyth

The broad liberal objective is a balanced and flexible "mixed economy," thus seeking to occupy that middle ground between capitalism and socialism whose viability has so long been denied by both capitalists and socialists.
-- Arthur Schlesinger, Jr.

The business that considers itself immune to the necessity for advertising sooner or later finds itself immune to business.
-- Derby Brown

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.
-- Rabindranath Tagore

The camera is an instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera.
-- Dorthea Lange

The cannon thunders . . .
limbs fly in all directions . . .
one can hear the groans of victims and
the howling of those performing the sacrifice . . .
it's Humanity in search of happiness.
-- Charles Baudelaire

The career of a writer is comparable to that of a woman of easy virtue. You write first for pleasure, later for the pleasure of others and finally for money.
-- Marcel Achard

The cat does not offer services. The cat offers itself. Of course he wants care and shelter. You don't buy love for nothing. Like all pure creatures, cats are practical.
-- William S. Burroughs

The cat is the only animal which accepts the comforts but rejects the bondage of domesticity.
-- Agnes Repplier

The causes we know everything about depend on causes we know very little about which depend upon causes we know absolutely nothing about.
-- Tom Stoppard

The censure of those who are opposed to us, is the highest commendation that can be given us.
-- Seigneur de Saint-Evremond

The central problem in the relations between the West and the rest is ...the discordance between the West's -- particularly America's -- efforts to promote universal Western culture and its declining ability to do so.
-- Samuel Huntington

The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and sometimes three.
-- Alexandre Dumas

The charm, one might say the genius, of memory is that it is choosy, chancy and temperamental; it rejects the edifying cathedral and indelibly photographs the small boy outside, chewing a hunk of melon in the dust.
-- Elizabeth Bowen

The cheerful live longest in years, and afterwards in our regards. Cheerfulness is the off-shoot of goodness.
-- Christian Nestell Bovee

The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-- Eric Sevareid

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
-- Alfred Adler

The chief pang of most trials is not so much the actual suffering itself as our own spirit of resistance to it.
-- Jean Nicolas Grou

The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom.
-- Cyril Parkinson

The chief trouble with jazz is that there is not enough of it; some of it we have to listen to twice.
-- Don Herold

The children of each generation are taught to want what they are taught they must not have.
-- R.G. Collingwood

The Chrysler Reliant qualifies as a true oxymoron and one of the worst cars of the millennium. This series could be the poster child for underbuilt cars: Door hinges welded to the frame and the door with hinge pins the diameter of vermicelli. Door handles made of pot metal that break off in your hand. A suspension package which, after 30,000 or 40,000 miles, feels like driving in a tornado six inches off the ground. More rattles than a babies convention.
-- Steve Sozanski

The church is near, but the road is icy. The tavern is far, but we will walk carefully.
-- Russian Proverb

The clearsighted do not rule the world, but they sustain and console it.
-- Agnes Repplier

The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of what to worry about from Science, along with behavior control, genetic engineering, transplanted heads, computer poetry and the unrestrained growth of plastic flowers.
-- Lewis Thomas

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.
-- Stanley J. Randall

The commercial class has always mistrusted verbal brilliancy and wit, deeming such qualities, perhaps with some justice, frivolous and unprofitable.
-- Dorothy Nevill

The complaints which anyone voices against his mate indicate exactly the qualities which stimulated attraction before marriage.
-- Rudolf Dreikurs

The Concord Coalition in Virginia complained about pork projects and wasteful spending in the federal budget. Consider the Senate chaplain's salary. As occupations go, only mind readers in Los Angeles have fewer things to do all day.
-- Argus Hamilton

The Constitution gives every American the right to make a damn fool of himself.
-- John Ciardi

The Constitution, in a very significant sense, is not a mechanism for making decisions but preventing them.
-- Michael Gilson De Lomos

[The] content of this website is measured by mass, not volume. Settling of contents may have occurred during transit.
-- Rob Mitchelmore

The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
-- Ron White

The costliest women are the ones who cost nothing.
-- Alfred de Musset

The courage to imagine the otherwise is our greatest resource, adding colour and suspense to all our lives.
-- David Boorstin

[T]he course of this nation does not depend on the decisions of others. Whatever action is required, whenever action is necessary, I will defend the freedom and security of the American people.
-- George W. Bush

The coward calls himself cautious.
-- Publilius Syrus

The criterion of true beauty is that it increases on examination; if false, that it lessens. There is therefore, something in true beauty that corresponds with right reason, and is not the mere creation of fancy.
-- Lord Greville

The criticism is always sincere. The praise is not.
-- Kathleen Wise

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
-- Ellen Parr

The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song -- it's that they know them all.
-- Susan Dooley

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.
-- Lord Acton

The day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud became more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-- Anaïs Nin

The days of the digital watch are numbered.
-- Tom Stoppard

The Declaration of Independence has been called, with some justice, the most revolutionary document in human history, in that it placed the individual person first in the political scheme of things and made the legitimacy of governments and ruling classes contingent on their success at preserving individual rights.
-- Alan W. Bock

The defect of equality is that we desire it only with our superiors.
-- Henry Becque

The [Democratic] party doesn't know what it stands for any more. The Republicans have built majorities around their ideas, which can be boiled down to a few simple statements. The Democrats fish around for issues where they think there already are majorities.
-- Tom Schaller

The demonstration that no possible combination of known substances, known forms of machinery, and known forms of force can be united in a practical machine by which man shall fly long distances through the air, seems to the writer as complete as possible for the demonstration of any physical fact to be.
-- Simon Newcomb, astronomer, 1903

The dentist told me I grind my teeth at night. Now before I go to sleep I fill my mouth with hot water and coffee beans and set my alarm for 7:30.
-- Jeff Marder

The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.
-- Madame de Stael

The Devil himself had probably re-designed Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts.
-- Anthony Price

The devil's boots don't creak.
-- Scottish Proverb

The difference between a boss and a leader: a boss says, 'Go!' -- a leader says, 'Let's go!'.
-- E.M. Kelly

The difference between a cult and a religion is one outlasts its leader.
-- Rakesh Khurana

The difference between America and England is that the English think 100 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.

The difference between an autobiography and an unauthorized biography is like the difference between an account of your life written by your mother and one written by your mother-in-law.
-- Marilyn vos Savant

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
-- Victor Borge

The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring.
-- Jürgen Kegler

The difference between Congress and drunken sailors is that drunken sailors are spending their own money.
-- Rep. Tom Feeney

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
-- Johnny Carson

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.
-- Salvador Dali

The difference between past and present immigration experience is the existence of a defiant anti-assimilationist lobby that encourages legal and illegal aliens to resist adapting to the American way of life.
-- Michelle Malkin

The difference between politics and baseball is that in baseball, when you get caught stealing, you're out.
-- Ron Dentinger

The difference is no less real because it is of degree.
-- Benjamin Nathan Cardozo

The diseases of the present have little in common with the diseases of the past save that we die of them.
-- Agnes Repplier

The doctor cures the sick man who does not die.
-- Japanese Proverb

The dogmatism of science has become a new orthodoxy, disseminated by the Media and a State educational system with a thoroughness and subtlety far exceeding anything of the kind achieved by the Inquisition; to the point that to believe today in a miraculous happening like the Virgin Birth is to appear a kind of imbecile....
-- Malcolm Muggeridge

The door behind him opened, and Beach the butler entered, a dignified procession of one.
-- P.G. Wodehouse

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
-- William Clayton

The Dutch practice euthanasia so briskly that they will kill themselves even before the Islamists get around to it.
-- Rick Brookheiser

The Earth is the cradle of mankind, but a man cannot stay in the cradle forever.
-- Immanuel Velikovsky

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
-- Katherin Whitehorn

The economic and technological triumphs of the past few years have not solved as many problems as we thought they would, and, in fact, have brought us new problems we did not foresee.
-- Henry Ford II

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.
-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann

The education, or rather the uneducation of black children from low income families is undoubtedly the greatest disaster are in public education and its most devastating failure. This is doubly tragic for it has always been the official ethic of public schooling that it was the poor and oppressed who were its greatest beneficiaries.
-- Leonard Billet

The empty vessel giveth a greater sound then the full barrel.
-- John Lyly

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.
-- James Agate

The English invented cricket to make other human endeavors look interesting.
-- Bill Bryson

The English kill their meat twice: once when they slaughter it and once when they cook it.
-- Peter Mayle

The English language, complete with irony, satire, and sarcasm, has survived for centuries without smileys. Only the new crop of modern computer geeks finds it impossible to detect a joke that is not Clearly Labelled as such.
-- Ray Shea

The English language is Copyright (C) 1597 by William Shakespeare & Co., used by permission, all rights deserved.
-- Christopher R. Hertel

The Englishman can get along with sex quite perfectly so long as he can pretend that it isn't sex but something else.
-- James Agate

The envious man thinks that if his neighbor breaks a leg, he will be able to walk better himself.
-- Helmut Schoeck

The essence of pop stardom is immaturity -- a wretched little pseudo-musical gift, a development of the capacity to shock, a short-lived notoriety, extreme depression, a yielding to the suicidal impulse.
-- Anthony Burgess

The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes.
-- Aubrey Menen

The essence of war is violence. Moderation in war is imbecility.
-- John A. Fisher

The existence of any pure race with special endowments is a myth, as is the belief that there are races all of whose members are foredoomed to eternal inferiority.
-- Franz Boas

The expectations of life depend upon diligence; the mechanic that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools.
-- Confucius

The fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years. Now that should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case. They have not proved their case...It's just simply gibberish. The fact is, there's no theory for it, there are no observational data for it. It's been tested and tested over the centuries.
-- Richard Berendzen

The factory of the future will have only two employees -- a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
-- Warren Bennis

The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.
-- Saul Alinsky

The fact that slaughter is a horrifying spectacle must make us take war more seriously, but [it does] not provide an excuse for gradually blunting our swords in the name of humanity. Sooner or later someone will come along with a sharp sword and hack off our arms.
-- Carl von Clausewitz

The failure to read good books both enfeebles the vision and strengthens our most fatal tendency -- the belief that the here and now is all there is.
-- Allan Bloom

The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.
-- Ring Lardner

The farther you go, the less you know.
-- Lao Tsu

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
-- P.G. Wodehouse

The fear of life is the favorite disease of the twentieth century.
-- William Lyon Phelps

The federal government cannot maintain a budget surplus any more than an alcoholic can leave a fresh bottle of whiskey untouched in the cupboard.
-- Ron Paul

The federal government is a machine designed to increase its control over the lives of average Americans. It is constantly probing here, pushing there, and generally increasing its control. Without a philosophically sound, constitutionally based political party opposing that process, it is going to continue to do so with impunity.
-- Edward H. Crane

The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.
-- Alan Jay Lerner

The fewer the words, the better the prayer.
-- Martin Luther

The first 90% of the job takes 90% of the time. The remaining 10% of the job requires another 90% of the time.

The first condition of immortality is death.
-- Stanislaw Lem

The first day, a guest; the second, a burden; the third, a pest.
-- Edouard R. Laboulaye

The first duty of love -- is to listen.
-- Paul Tillich

The first key to wisdom is constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question and by questioning we arrive at the truth.
-- Peter Abelard

The first law of journalism is to confirm existing prejudice, rather than contradict it.
-- Linda Ellerbee

The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.
-- Robert Heller

The first new car I ever owned was a Vega. My self-esteem is still lacking as a result. At 6,500 miles I had the rear end replaced. At 12,085 miles the speedometer broke. Fifty-five miles later the driver's-side door handle fell off. At 14,600 miles the rear end went again; the Chevy dealer accused me of racing the car. Racing?!? Who -- my grandfather in his wheelchair?
-- Tim Hazen

The first responsibility of a leader is to define reality. The last is to say thank you. In between, the leader is a servant.
-- Max de Pree

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

The first step in freeing yourself from social restrictions is the realization that there is no such thing as a "safe" code of conduct -- one that would earn everyone's approval. Your actions can always be condemned by someone -- for being too bold or too apathetic, for being too conformist or too nonconformist, for being too liberal or too conservative. So it's necessary to decide whose approval is important to you.
-- Harry Browne

The first thing a man will do for his ideals is lie.
-- Joseph Schumpeter

The first time you buy a house you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men.
-- Lupe Velez

The fool says, "These are my sons, this is my land, this is my money." In reality, the fool does not own himself, much less sons, land, or money.
-- Gotama Buddha

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.
-- Art Linkletter

The FreeBSD kernel is very well documented; unfortunately, it's all in C.
-- FreeBSD Device Driver Writer's Guide

The freedom now desired by many is not freedom to do and dare but freedom from care and worry.
-- James Truslow Adams

The free society does not guarantee virtue, any more than it guarantees happiness. But it allows for the pursuit of both, a pursuit rendered all the more meaningful and profound because success is not guaranteed, it has to be won through personal striving.
-- Dinesh D'Souza

The friend of my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.
-- Ulysses S. Grant

The Friend of Your Youth is the only friend you will ever have, for he does not really see you. He sees in his mind a face which does not exist any more, speaks a name -- Spike, Bud, Snip, Red, Rusty, Jack, Dave -- which belongs to that now nonexistent face but which by some inane and doddering confusion of the universe is for the moment attached to a not too happily met and boring stranger...The Friend of Your Youth is the only friend you will ever have, for he hasn't the slightest concern with calculating his interest or your virtue. He doesn't give a damn, for the moment, about Getting Ahead or Needs Must Admiring the Best, the two official criteria in adult friendships...
-- Robert Penn Warren

The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.
-- Dr. David Butler

The future belongs to those who prepare for it today.
-- Malcolm X

The future is like heaven, everyone exalts it, but no one wants to go there now.
-- James Baldwin

The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.
-- George Meredith

The game has a cleanness. If you do a good job, the numbers say so. You don't have to ask anyone or play politics. You don't have to wait for reviews.
-- Sandy Koufax

The gap in our economy is between what we have and what we think we ought to have -- and that is a moral problem, not an economic one.
-- Paul Heyne

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.
-- Chinese Proverb

The Giants are looking for a trade but I don't think Atlanta wants to depart with a quality player.
-- Ron Fairly, Baseball Announcer

The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.

The goal of most conventional programs for substance abuse and violence intervention is termed "rehabilitation." In reality, the type of rehabilitation produced by these programs amounts to restoring a client to the state he was in before he exhibited social deviance. But there is no reason to expect that an individual who was previously susceptible to the temptation of drugs or alcohol would not be susceptible again when he is returned to his original condition.
-- Robert L. Woodson, Sr.

The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move.
-- Frank Crane

The good composer is slowly discovered; the bad composer is slowly found out.
-- Ernest Newman

The good Lord lets us grow old for a reason: to gain the wisdom to find fault with everything He's made.
-- Abe Simpson (Homer's father)

The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases.
-- Sir Josiah Stamp

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
-- Allan K. Chalmers

The great American novel has not only already been written, it has already been rejected.
-- Frank Dane

[T]he great American statesman devotes his energy, ability, and wisdom to conforming himself and this people to the moral principles that gave this nation birth, are older than anything else in the country's soul, and yet retain the power to make us young again with the vigor of virtue and the zeal for justice.
-- Alan Keyes

The great business of life is to be, to do, to do without, and to depart.
-- John, Lord Morley

The great despise men of genius who have nothing but genius; men of genius despise the great who have nothing but greatness.
-- Jean de La Bruyère

The greater the lie, the greater the chance that it will be believed.
-- Adolf Hitler

The greatest American superstition is a belief in facts.
-- Hermann Keyserling

The greatest historical events in the twentieth century -- in fact, in all of human history -- have been the overthrow of capitalism and establishment of societies run by and for the working class in the two great communist revolutions in Russia and China.
-- Grover Furr

The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice.
-- Sir Arthur Helps

The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.
-- Rene Descartes

The greatest right in the world is the right to be wrong.
-- Harry Weinberger

The greatest thing about man is his ability to transcend himself, his ancestry and his environment and to become what he dreams of being.
-- Tully C. Knoles

The great force for forging a society into a solid mass has always been war.
-- William Graham Sumner

The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes.
-- Stanley Kubrick

The great paradox of the civil rights revolution is that instead of enforcing and expanding equality before the law, the revolution created differential rights based on race, gender and, any day now, sexual orientation. The great liberal revolution, centuries in the making, that brought forth equality in law has been overthrown. In its place we see rising a new feudal legal order of status-based rights.
-- Paul Craig Roberts

The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incident and none of the incidents as disasters.
-- Sir Harold Nicolson

The great thing about baseball is when you are done, you'll only tell your grandchildren the good things. If they ask me about 1989 I'll tell them I had amnesia.
-- Sparky Anderson

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
-- Art Spander

The Great Truth is that women in our society constitute one of the most privileged and powerful classes of human beings on earth. The challenge is to make women believe in their power. "Woman as victim" is an idea whose time has passed. The idea of woman as a survivor and a success must take its place.
-- Wendy McElroy

The haft of the arrow had been feathered with one of the eagle's own plumes. We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.
-- Aesop

The happiest people seem to be those who have no particular reason for being happy except that they are so.
-- William Inge

The harder I work, the luckier I get.
-- George Allen

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without ever seeing any.
-- Fred Astaire

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
-- David Russell

The headline here is not that a woman exposed a breast. It is, rather, that a breast exposed a woman.
-- Leonard Pitts, Jr.

The heart is, truly, the source of love. The proof is that if you remove it from someone, they will almost certainly never love again.
-- Zero Mostel

The heart of another is a dark forest, always, no matter how close it has been to one's own.
-- Willa Cather

The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Dan Quayle

The honeymoon is over when he phones that he'll be late for supper -- and she has already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.
-- Bill Lawrence

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality.
-- Dante

The hour has come! ooooh, lucky hour!
-- Simon Munnery

The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and has gills through which it can see.
-- Monty Python

The human race is divided into two classes -- those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, 'Why wasn't it done the other way?'
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them.
-- David Gerrold

The human species, according to the best theory I can form of it, is composed of two distinct races: the men who borrow, and the men who lend.
-- Charles Lamb

The hunter's bullet spares the elephant from the suffering of natural mortality. It's for their own good, to be hunted and used.
-- Eugene Lapointe

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
fighting fleeing feeding and mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

The idea is to die young as late as possible.
-- Ashley Montagu

The ideal condition would be, I admit, that men should be right by instinct; but since we are all likely to go astray, the reasonable thing is to learn from those who can teach.
-- Sophocles

The ideal tyranny is that which is ignorantly self-administered by its victims.
-- Dresden James

The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
-- Quintus Ennius

The ignorant man marvels at the exceptional; the wise man marvels at the common; the greatest wonder of all is the regularity of nature.
-- George Dana Boardman

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
-- Alvin Toffler

The imaginative young vagabond quickly loses the social instincts that help to make life bearable for other men. Always he hears voices calling in the night from far-away places where blue waters lap strange shores. He hears birds singing and crickets chirping a luring roundelay. He sees the moon, yellow ghost of a dead planet, haunting the earth.
-- Jim Tully

The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them.
-- Sir William Bragg

The improvement of our way of life is more important than the spreading of it. If we make it satisfactory enough, it will spread automatically. If we do not, no strength of arms can permanently oppose it.
-- Charles Lindbergh

The improvement of understanding is for two ends: first, our own increase of knowledge; secondly, to enable us to deliver that knowledge to others.
-- John Locke

The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.
-- Donald N. Smith (Burger King CEO)

The inexperienced physician makes a lumpy churchyard.
-- Czech Proverb

The injury we do and the one we suffer are not weighed in the same scale.
-- Aesop

The innocent and the beautiful have no enemy but time.
-- William Butler Yeats

The instinctive need to be the member of a closely knit group fighting for common ideals may grow so strong that it becomes inessential what these ideals are.
-- Konrad Lorenz

The intelligent man who is proud of his intelligence is like the condemned man who is proud of his large cell.
-- Simone Weil

The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life.
-- Andrew Brown

The inventor of the Xerox machine will, I am sure, find a special place reserved for him on one of the inner circles of Dante's Inferno.
-- Nicholas Goodison

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
-- Oliver Herford

Their Sex Life

One failure on
Top of another
-- A.R. Emmons

[T]he isolationism of the Left stems from the conviction that America is bad for the rest of the world, whereas the isolationism of the Right is based on the belief that the rest of the world is bad for America.
-- Norman Podhoretz

The Jewish people, for their tiny numbers, have done superbly. They don't need me. They have Einstein. They have everybody -- Maury Povich.
-- Geraldo Rivera

The job description of mother is clearly in need of revision. As it stands, the shifts are 24 hours, for a period of approximately 1,825 consecutive days. The benefits are sorely in need of amendment: no vacations, no sick leave, no lunch hours, no breaks. Moreover, it is the only unpaid position I know of that can result in arrest if you fail to show up for work.
-- Mary Kay Blakely

The job of intellectuals is to come up with ideas, and all we've been producing is footnotes.
-- Theodore H. White

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the ocean searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore, so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure or becoming a manager.
-- Michael Scriven

The key to pitching is to have the ability to throw a strike when they're taking and throw a ball when the hitter is swinging.
-- Greg Maddux

The lard cooks in mysterious ways.
-- Byron Breedlove

The large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
-- Tom Waits

The last of human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
-- Viktor Frankl

The law is a magic mirror in which we see reflected not only our own lives but also the lives of those who went before us.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

The law is a strange thing. It makes a man swear to tell the truth, and every time he shows signs of doing so, some lawyer objects.

The laws of economics tell us that the expansion of the central state can't go on forever. Its limit is reached when the looted turn on the looters.
-- Llewellyn H. Rockwell, Jr

The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the people who were ever born in the history of the world are now dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is being read by a corpse.
-- John W. Campbell

The layman's constitutional view is that what he likes is constitutional and that which he doesn't like is unconstitutional.
-- Hugo L. Black

The least of the work of learning is done in the classroom.
-- Thomas Merton

[T]he Left admires anyone who kills and tortures on a sufficiently grand scale in furtherance of the great utopian dream, but the tedious day-to-day routine of actually running a Communist state dims the luster somewhat. That's why you can always find Trotskyite factions, but will almost never find a self-described Stalinist among Western leftists. To the Left, Castro is Marlon Brando, revered for his total body of work; but Guevara is James Dean, who never compromised his hipness by getting old and fat.

The less a person knows about the workings of the social institutions in his society, the more he must trust those who wield power in it; and the more he trusts those who wield such power, the more vulnerable he makes himself to becoming their victim.
-- Thomas Szasz

The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
-- Lenny Bruce

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.
-- Sir James Barrie

The life so short, the crafts so long to learn.
-- Geoffrey Chaucer

The Lord's Prayer has 56 words, Lincoln's Gettysburg Address has 266, the Declaration of Independence has 300; but a government order on cabbage prices contained 26,911 words.
-- William Windnall

The lot of critics is to be remembered by what they failed to understand.
-- George Moore

The loveliest faces are to be seen by moonlight, when one sees half with the eye and half with the fancy.
-- Persian Proverb

The lust of fame is the last that a wise man shakes off.
-- Tacitus

The main difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman is that the used car salesman can probably drive and knows when he's lying.
-- Peter da Silva

The majority of us are for free speech when it deals with subjects concerning which we have no intense feelings.
-- Edmund Chaffee

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
-- Jilly Cooper

The manner in which it is given is worth more than the gift.
-- Pierre Cornielle

The man of science appears to be the only person who has something to say, and the only man who does not know how to say it.
-- Sir James Barrie

The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good
-- Polish Proverb

The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely the one who dropped it.
-- Lou Holtz

The man who forgives pays a tremendous price -- the price of the evil he forgives.
-- David Augsburger

The man who gets on best with women is the one who knows best how to get on without them.
-- Charles Baudelaire

The man who has nothing to boast of but his illustrious ancestry, is like the potato -- the best part under ground.
-- Thomas Overbury

The man who is always worrying whether or not his soul would be damned generally has a soul that isn't worth a damn.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

The man who is denied the opportunity of taking decisions of importance begins to regard as important the decisions he is allowed to take.
-- C. Northcote Parkinson

The man who lives by himself and for himself is likely to be corrupted by the company he keeps.
-- Charles H. Parkhurst

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
-- Bishop W.C. Magee

The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
-- Daisy Bates

The man who will not act until he knows all will never act at all.
-- Jim Elliot

The market is always making mountains out of molehills and exaggerating ordinary vicissitudes into major setbacks.
-- Benjamin Graham

The mark of a true MBA is that he is often wrong but seldom in doubt.
-- Robert Buzzell

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.
-- Wilhelm Stekel

The Mars Rover sent back stunning photos [last week] indicating the past presence of water. The pictures show tiny splotches of blue on the Red Planet. The other theory is that the satellite dish on the rover accidentally picked up CNN's election coverage.
-- Argus Hamilton

The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments.
-- William H. Borah

The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, that, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
-- Paul Harwitz

The mastery of nature is vainly believed to be an adequate substitute for self-mastery.
-- Reinhold Niebuhr

The mathematics of physics has become ever more abstract, rather than more complicated. The mind of God appears to be abstract but not complicated. He also appears to like group theory.
-- Tony Zee

The meaning of communication is the response you get. If you are not getting the response you want, change what you are doing.
-- Dr. Genie Z. Laborde

The meaning of life is that it stops.
-- Franz Kafka

The measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out.
-- Thomas Babington

The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it's the same problem you had last year.
-- John Foster Dulles

The methods that help a man acquire a fortune are the very ones that keep him from enjoying it.
-- Antoine de Rivarol

The middle aged talk about sleep the way frat boys talk about sex. Did you get any last night? Nah, but this weekend, believe me, I'm gonna go all night long.
-- Marcus Laffey

The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.
-- John Milton

The mind of the bigot is like the pupil of the eye; the more light you pour upon it, the more it will contract.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
-- Maureen Dowd

The minute you start talking about what you're going to do if you lose, you have lost.
-- George Shultz

The modern definition of 'racist' is someone who is winning an argument with a liberal.
-- Peter Brimelow

The modern king has become a vermiform appendix: useless when quiet; when obtrusive, in danger of removal.
-- Austin O'Malley

The Monkees are to the Beatles what 'Star Trek' is to NASA. They are both totally valid in their contexts.
-- Mickey Dolenz

The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates.
-- Tacitus

The more he cast away the more he had.
-- John Bunyan

The more I observed Washington, the more frequently I visited it, and the more people I interviewed there, the more I understood how prophetic L'Enfant was when he laid it out as a city that goes around in circles.
-- John Mason Brown

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshiped anything but himself.
-- Sir Richard Burton

The more I talk to athletes, the more convinced I become that the method of training is relatively unimportant. There are many ways to the top, and the training method you choose is just the one that suits you best. No, the important thing is the attitude of the athlete, the desire to get to the top.
-- Herb Elliot

The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.
-- Vincent van Gogh

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
-- Richard Bach

The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.
-- Lao Tsu

The more libertine the society becomes, the more laws and rules are needed to govern individual behavior.
-- Steven Greenhut

The more minimal the art, the more maximum the explanation.
-- Hilton Kramer

The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become toward the defects of other people.
-- François, de Fénelon

The more we study mind and matter scientifically the more we see that all things follow a natural sequence, a sequence as liable to work for our disadvantage as for our advantage. It flows like the water of a river, it falls like rain, it is as impartial as the sea. It is as innocent of malice as it is of compassion.
-- Llewelyn Powys

The more you say, the less people remember. The fewer the words, the greater the profit.
-- François, de Fénelon

The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
-- Derek Wills

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.
-- Alice Walker

The most dangerous lechers and creeps are not drunks wearing rags on the street, but respectable men wearing hairspray, pinstripes, and wedding rings who lurk in the halls of power.
-- Michelle Malkin

The most dangerous temptations are not due to the active, sudden flames of desire, "the lusts of the flesh," but to the disinclinations of the flesh, its indolence and sluggishness, our tendency to become creatures of habit.
-- Sigrid Undset

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
-- Theodore H. White